Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

A widower at forty-two. What Kateri gave me… what cancer took away… and how I'm coping with life from the woods of Vermont
Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning
  • Bloggery
  • My 30 Days of Mo(u)rning
  • A Letter to Kateri
  • Random Widower Thoughts
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  • What’s Going on Here?
  • Tag: cancer

    • We All Die Differently…

      Posted at 2:30 am by Darren Lidstrom, on February 24, 2022

      Now, I don’t really have much experience with death. I don’t come from a large family. I wasn’t close to grandparents, cousins, or anything. I’ve been fortunate that a vast majority of my friends are still around. And I live in a country where we don’t talk about death in a positive manner much… which may sound weird… but it’s something that we all experience, from one point of view or another, at some point in the timeline of life. Although I don’t have much experience with it, I kinda feel like the lessons I’ve learned on the topic were taught (and being taught) in an expediated night class that I’m court ordered to go to!

      Being here with my Mom for the last three weeks is a completely different experience than being there with Kateri as I watched cancer destroy her body and take away her breath. I’m in a different role here in Idaho. I’m playing a different part… in a different scene… of a different movie. The subject may be the same, but it’s a version that I don’t quite have a handle on. Even though I already know how the movie is gonna end… it’s the final scene that’s still being written… and I’m having a pretty hard time with the writer. In all honesty, I kinda wish I could fire the writer… but I think they unionized a long time ago and have obtained… what’s that called?… tenure.

      I am currently in the process of losing the most important person in my life. When Kateri died, that distinction shifted to my Mom. (Sorry… there’s a hierarchy and we’ve all got favorites.) In the last three weeks, I’ve learned a few things. One of the lessons I’ve learned is that losing Kateri sorta prepared me for the time when I will lose my mom. It kinda sucks to draw upon the memories of that time in my life, but it showed me just how rough life could get… and subsequently, that I would make it through. I mean, at the least… I’ve made it until today!… which is good enough.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I’ve spent a lot of time in the last couple of days simply listening to my mom breath as I sit on the old wooden chair next to her bed. Every time she takes a breath, I count until her next one. 1, 2, 3… 1, 2, 3… 1, 2… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… 1, 2… 1, 2, 3… 1, 2……. 18… and so on and so on. I actually find it relaxing… until the counting continues into the teens and twenties… that sucks. I’m sure I’m trying to get a gauge on where we’re at in the process, but for the most part… I just wanna be there for my mom when she periodically opens her eyes. I can’t really stand the idea of her being by herself in her room in the final days of her life. I want her to see… to feel… just how much she is loved and that she is not going through this… alone.
        • I started this post yesterday. Today, I began using a stopwatch as I sat on that wooden chair. Her breathing pattern has changed to the tune of take two breaths… a twenty-three second pause… take two breaths. Let me tell you… those pauses aren’t fun to hear.
      • I’ve noticed that death has a smell. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s the same smell that filled the air when I was sitting with… and holding… Kateri.
      • I’m tired. Physically, emotionally, and psychologically… exhausted. I don’t wanna think about leaving, because when I do it means that my mom will be gone. I wanna be here and I feel fortunate to have the opportunity to be here… but I’m also ready to be home.

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      Posted in cancer, death, loss, Uncategorized, widower, widowhood | 9 Comments | Tagged cancer, loss, mom, MyMomIsDying, widower, widowernotesnthoughts
    • Losing People You Love is Hard…

      Posted at 2:20 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on February 16, 2022

      I went for a drive on Friday. I’ve been in Idaho for two weeks and a day now to be with my mom and on Friday I just needed to get out of Dodge. Well, it’s not so much that I needed to get out of Dodge… I just needed to cover some ground, get into the mountains and away from the lights and sounds of suburbia and the city, so that I could feel a bit more comfortable and be in a space that would allow me to… think. Of course, I’m pretty sure it also started the process of me having a mid-life crisis… sorta. I just happen to need more money so that I can have a mid-life crisis in style. You know, like the ones you used to be able to have in the 80’s with sports cars and cocaine! (ummm… FYI… neither of which I’m actually interested in) I guess it’s not so much that I’m having a mid-life crisis… it’s more me trying to make sense of living a life without being able to give my mom a hug, being able to tell her about my day, being able to share my life with her, being able to lean on her for support and guidance, being able to tell her… I love her. After losing Kateri to Metastatic Malignant Melanoma… with mutations… my mom was there for me. She even made the trip to Kateri’s Kick-Ass Party… oxygen tank in tow, needed because of the cancer… saying she was gonna make it there one way or another and wouldn’t have missed it for anything. My mom is a strong woman. My mom is an independent woman. My mom is a caring and compassionate woman who loved me no matter what bad decisions I made throughout my life… while also celebrating the good ones. And my mom is currently in her bedroom, laying in a hospital bed resting as Joan Baez radio fills the air… dying from cancer. No, I guess it’s not so much that I’m having a mid-life crisis… I’m just really sad… I’m just feeling kinda lost… and being here watching my mom live with cancer for the last little bit of her life is just… hard.

      When Kateri died, everything I thought I knew about who I was and what I wanted my life to look like simply vanished. It was cloaked with some sort of haze… a fog… this lack of direction in the world and my place in it. Being a widower… to put it bluntly… sucks balls. To be a widower in my mid-forties, to lose Kateri at a time when we were at the best spot in our lives and we were so excited about the future, our home, our history, and growing old together… honestly, threw me for a loop. But in the last almost four years, it also taught me that as long as I’m upright and on this side of the earth… I’ve gotta keep putting pants on and taking those steps to try and figure out how to keep living in a world without something that I thought I was gonna live with forever. It taught me that sometimes in life we have to adapt to scenarios that we never could’ve imagined… that never crossed our minds. It taught me that life could be hard… and living could be even harder.

      Kateri’s death showed me that I could endure quite a bit while also clarifying… and simplifying… a couple of my priorities in life. My priority right now is to be with my mom because this is one of those things that’s only gonna happen once in my life. When I leave Idaho, my life and priorities will be different than when I arrived. I’ve accepted that and I know I will be ok… and I’ll continue to search for ways to make life better. Unfortunately, part of being here with my mom is seeing her frustration… seeing her discomfort… seeing her lose her mobility… her independence… seeing her in and out of lucidity… seeing her so… tired. Losing ones we love is hard, but sometimes I think seeing them having to endure the process as cancer attacks their bodies and we witness strength turn into frailty… well… sometimes I feel like that part of life is the hardest.

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      Posted in cancer, grieving, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower, widowhood | 16 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, loss, mom, thirtydaysofmorning, widower
    • I Started on the Spare Bedroom… 2 years, 2 months, and 7 days a Widower.

      Posted at 8:47 am by Darren Lidstrom, on June 30, 2020

      I actually started on the spare bedroom the day before the 2 Year/2 Month mark. It’s been a week long process… which still isn’t finished… but, it’s definitely a lot further along than it was a week ago!… and going through stuff is just gonna take me a bit. Although I have hit that point where I kinda just wanna start going through stuff and setting up “my” house… I also understand that it’s gonna take a while… but I can start! There’s a lot… A LOT… that comes along with the loss of a spouse. Sometimes, I feel like there’s even more that came along with the loss of Kateri. I mean… it’s Kateri!… she was pretty awesome. Of course, I think anyone who has loved someone else might feel the same way… but I’m talking about me right now.

      So, this is what showed up this week in my life after I jumped on the opportunity of having another set of hands to help me move a dresser out of the spare bedroom… some pics and notes. (FYI… life is good… just a big balancing act!)

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      Two of our closest friends gave us that dresser… I doubled checked to make sure they were cool with me putting it on the side of the road with a Free sign.

      • I’ve been wanting to move that thing for months! I couldn’t get it downstairs by myself and I didn’t want to start on the room until it was out of there. It was sooooo annoying! I even thought about chopping it up in the bedroom and taking it down in pieces! That’s one of those weird widowhood things… it’s much easier to move big things with another person.
      • That dresser spent less than 24 hours sitting in front of my house! (awe… Vermont) I went to work, came home… gone! It was perfect. They even took the plastic I had tucked it in with the night before! (I wanted it to stay warm and dry if it rained!)

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      Kateri bought that pillow specifically for when she had cancer and was spending a ton of time in bed… trying anything to make life a little better… there’s even a hole for your ear! That pillow… along with the large foam wedge one… had been in that room for over two years. I’m glad they’re gone.

      • I sat on my bedroom floor and Facetimed with my sis-in-law as I opened wooded boxes containing some of Kateri’s jewelry, pins, and little knick knacks. It was pretty cool. Plus, I could always hold the little mask thing (from our wedding) up to my face if I wanted to change things up!
      • I gave Kateri the “Dance as if…” tile thing back in ’08 or ’09 when we lived in Ned. Kateri gave me the “answer my smile” wood thing…. at some point. Unfortunately… I didn’t remember that. For some reason, over the last two years I have thought it was a gift I had given her!… and then I turned it over.
      • The picture with the bed..?  That was some fun stuff to go through. Stuff such as, the picture Kateri loved of her standing next to her little sister… who is picking her nose. Or the Mad Hatter hats we made for Tracy’s Mad Hatter Retirement Party. And of course… the plastic bracelets that the hospital gave Kateri each time she was admitted… among other things.

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      Kateri gave me that box for Christmas in… 2002..? She got it from a bartender friend of ours I worked with.

        • That is Kateri’s knife… she kept it in her truck.
        • Kateri gave me the little blue guy… he dances. I would carry him around with me at work and if someone was having a bad day I would simply wind him up, set him down in front of the person, let him start wiggling… and walk away. It was generally their’s until they didn’t need him anymore. And then… we found one with a skirt!
        • In the time we were living above a garage (’02), I made a bunch of origami flowers and situated them all over the floor of our little studio apartment… where we had only a microwave, hot plate, and toaster oven to cook with… and slept on an air mattress. There’s an orange one in the box, as well. I’m glad I still have them.
        • It’s basically a wooden box… filled with tattered cigar boxes… filled with letters……. and memories.

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      Yup.

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      Painting!… it’s Whitewater Bay. (I know you were wonderin’!) FYI… Kateri was the painter of the household. Yes… I taped… even though it doesn’t look like it in spots!

      • I love how a new coat of paint simply cleans up a space. Plus, you get that light headed fuzzy feeling if you keep the fresh air out!
      • I decided to change up the quilt on the bed. We have never used this quilt. It was a birthday present from a friend when Kateri turned 44… a month before she died. Really… I just thought it had a nice weight, nice pattern, and it fit the bed!
      • I like how the room has turned out so far. It’s a little dark for the lighting I have (there are only lights in the closets in the bedrooms…?), but just another reason to find some new lamps!… for my new room!… in my new life……..!
      • That is Kateri’s Pooh Bear. Back in the day, we would lay in bed and read the stories to each other. Then it somehow turned to just me reading to her. She loved Pooh… and Piglet… and their friendship. When we cremated Kateri, I took a page from the first book, Winnie-the-Pooh… and placed it in her pocket.

      img_3587This is my final pic… and then a video… as if there wasn’t enough already! I really haven’t done anything with my little shrine to Kateri and as I was going through boxes I figured I could add a few things from the top of the jelly cupboard… so I did. I wasn’t sure about how to dispose of the sage bundles used for smudging, so I asked sis-in-law. Well, I found out that neither one of us really knows what to do with used sage bundles, but we figured as long as the intentions were good… it’s all cool and groovy. So… that’s what the video is about. Just a heads up, I mention it’s January 28th… it’s not… it’s June. There would be a heck of a lot more snow on the ground if it were January!… but there might still be a fire.

      ps… you can hit the “like” button if appropriate… and you still have time to follow the blog for the chance to randomly see it pop up in your email inbox! (it’s kinda sporadic… and not very focused… or professional.)

       

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      Posted in cancer, loss, videos, Widow, widower, widowervideos | 15 Comments | Tagged cancer, goingthroughshit, letter, loss, painting, sparebedroom, thirtydaysofmorning, videos, Widow, widower, widower thoughts
    • Two Years… a Widower.

      Posted at 1:19 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on April 22, 2020

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      I didn’t go to bed last night until the wee hours of this morning. I knew I was probably gonna be up late since I wasn’t gonna be working today. I decided early on in this “New Life” that I wasn’t gonna work on the anniversary of Kateri’s death… ever… and I’ve made it two years in a row! As a widower, I’ve had to deal with the loss of Kateri every single day I wake up, but as time goes by, day to day life kinda turns into this new normal and I’ve gotten used to balancing the weight of not having Kateri next to me and all of the things that come along with that… and figuring out how to “live” and function in this new world without being an emotional and psychological plane wreck! I feel as though there have been a couple areas of turbulence and maybe a bit of engine trouble over the last two years, but I’m still in the air!… even if I fly pretty low sometimes. One day… I hope to be in a space where I am soooo excited about life that I simply NEED to buzz the tower!… even if Goose is pleading with me not to. One day Goose… one day.

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      Yup.
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      Initially I planned on taking three days off for Kateri’s anniversary so that I could do something out in the world like go to the ocean and stay at the dumpy little hotel, which we loved, and was right on the water. We got a kick out of the place when we found the shape of an iron burned into the carpet in the entry way of room 318 (I don’t actually know the room number… it’s the one on the top floor on the end… in case you were wondering). But The Rona has kinda put the kibosh on any plans like that so I was kinda forced to decide to stick around the schoolhouse… which I’m also completely okay with. I mean, this really is the place where I feel the closest to Kateri because it’s filled with all sorts of her Hopes n Dreams. I just wish there was more time for her to experience more of them.

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      This has been out for years on tables n shit. It's the day after I told her I needed space... and she gave me 2,100 miles.
      This has been out for years on tables n shit. It’s the day after I told her I needed space… and she gave me 2,100 miles.
      Tea Cups at Disneyland... a while ago.
      Tea Cups at Disneyland… a while ago.

      Two years. Jesus… what the fuck…?! (sorry Jesus, just using you as an exclamation… I don’t blame you. We’ve been warned you work in mysterious ways! At least, that’s what I hear… I don’t actually go to church or follow you on any of your social media platforms… but I dig the message you were delivering. It’s just a fair amount of your followers that I have an issue with… they can get a little freaky!) Although at points it feels like Kateri died yesterday, the fact of the matter is that for 730 days (31?… was there a Leap Year or some shit?) I’ve had to learn how to live life without her. I’ve had to learn how to live My Life using the lessons that she taught me instead of witnessing her actions. She cut the path through the woods… I just need to maintain it and see where I can create new ones. (some bushwhacking required)

      Wedding Kateri with Wine
      Kateri in the Bathroom
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      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I was able to Zoom with two of my sister-in-laws last night. It was fantastic and a pleasant surprise. It was also weird when someone mentioned it was midnight… and now the actual day Kateri died. It hit me instantly… unexpectedly… and I cried.
      • I decided to work on the yard and flower gardens today to hopefully get a sense of connection and closeness with Kateri on this date… but nature decided to give us a couple inches of snow last night to start this Earth Day off!… so now it may just be a bath, a joint, some music, and inside stuff! Maybe I’ll give the plants a shower!… I know Kateri would do that once in a while… and I haven’t done it yet!
      • I’m gonna try to fix Kateri’s truck this spring/summer… myself (I need it to move wood!). I’ve been watching car remodeling shows on Netflix… it can’t be that hard to at least get it runable!… says the cook.
      • As a widower, you learn to do all sorts of things… while crying. After two years of not knowing when emotions will pop up, you just kinda roll with it because you still need to get things done! Let me tell you, crying in the shower as you are frantically washing soap off of your face and out of your beard because you realized you didn’t close the damper on the wood stove… and not skipping a beat… is a skill.
        • Being a cook and cutting thousands of pounds of onions is also good training for widowhood!
      • I’ve decided to start the process of going through some things around the house and to maybe move some shit around. I haven’t done anything substantial in the last two years… I feel it’s about time… and I kinda want to. I understand it may be slow going.
      • I still put the toilet seat down… yup, trained well.
      • I am older than Kateri ever made it to… that’s kinda fucked up… but bound to happen in these situations.
      • A couple of things I’ve learned in the last two years:
        • We can adapt to adversity… as much as we don’t want to.
        • Kateri made me better. It’s a simple fact.
        • Life is a lot easier if you surround yourself with good people… and if you put the work in to being a good person who makes decent choices. Luckily, I have a lot of wonderful people in my life.
        • Priorities… what’s important… to me.
        • How to cook for one…ish and to make half a pot of coffee instead of a full pot.
        • There are loving, supportive, empathetic, and caring strangers out there… some you will never meet even though they might’ve played significant parts in your life.
        • Plants… yup, they pretty much need water and sun. Trimming would probably be helpful… but I haven’t learned about that yet!
        • If left to my own devices for nourishment… I make bad decisions… but they’re tasty.
        • How to set up my own blog!… which has been a wonderful tool throughout this process, even if it has been sporadic as of late.
      • Two years… basically, there’s a ton that has happened. Some good… some bad… some challenging… some whatever. That’s life, I guess. There are things we can control… and there are things we can’t. Although it can be frustrating, I’ve learned to not sweat the things I have no control over (most of the time!)… it’s just a waste of energy. There are plenty of things in this world that we do have control over… I’m just gonna try to focus on those and if I need to take a step back from time to time… I will.
      • I just miss Kateri so God damn much. After two years… it still has the power to floor me… and I expect it will for quite a while.
      • I hope you are all well, safe, and not making stoopid decisions in these uncertain times. Just as in my situation, time doesn’t stop and we’ll all find ourselves talking about The Pandemic of 2020!… as we shake hands hello… and give hugs goodbye. Love to all y’all.img_2349

      ps… it feels odd not really ever writing specifically about Kateri and all the beautiful things that made her such a unique and loving person. Maybe my next post will be about her… and not me and my shit.

       

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      Posted in anniversary, cancer, grief, loss, Widow, widower | 12 Comments | Tagged anniversary, cancer, earthday, grieving, loss, melanoma, mourning, randomwidowerthoughts, thirtydaysofmorning, Widow, widower, widower thoughts, widowernotesnthoughts, widowerthoughts
    • Widower Day 666… creepy, cuz I just went to Salem!… last week.

      Posted at 10:30 am by Darren Lidstrom, on February 17, 2020

      img_1853I think… like everyone else… I wish I could just drop everything, pack a bag, load the car, and experience wanderlust again for a while instead of plugging away at the grind. Not that things have been absolutely horrible… I haven’t been getting punched in the nuts when I wake up every morning or anything like that… but it DOES get a little tiring when you constantly feel overwhelmed, are constantly trying to “figure things out”, and life keeps showing you that there are things you have control over… and there are things that you don’t. So…. I’m just gonna keep plugging away at routines for right now… keep an eye on what I have control over… and maybe try to create some new routines! (Like ones where I have to brush my teeth at a rest stop, in a hotel, or next to my tent would be fun! Or in my schoolhouse… I have no plans of letting go of my schoolhouse! Gotta have home to come back to!)

      Salem, MassThe past couple of weeks have been good, filled with some good things. My lady friend and I went to Salem, Mass last week to get out of Dodge, see the ocean, and check out some witches! (the witches weren’t actually a main focal point) One thing I love about the East Coast is it’s history. Yes, we have some pretty horrendous history in this country, but everywhere does.img_1930 It’s fun to walk around a town made up of old brick buildings and wooden houses where you can read about what took place on that spot hundreds of years ago!… even though they weren’t good times. (I guess that’s how we learn not to do those things again… or not let them happen again.)

      For me, it’s weird doing things with someone who isn’t Kateri… but that’s the whole balancing “New Life” and “Old Life”. I mean, I still wanna experience life… sometimes with someone else… sometimes by myself… but mainly I don’t wanna keep trying to recreate the experiences I had with Kateri because those times are simply memories of a different life now… even if they are really, really good memories. I want new experiences… for my new life. Experiences like going to the Peabody Essex Museum or the Salem Witch Museum. I still wanna walk around towns and look at the architecture or old ass homes where the doors don’t have any right angles anymore. I wanna go into magic shops and get in trouble for taking pictures because they sell REALLY important and magical things. I wanna have fun and say things like, “These are the trees where they hung all the witches!” when walking through a town green… not knowing if there was any truth in the statement! I still wanna live… life… and focus on “The Good” things once in a while… and push “The Bad” to the side for a bit… here and there.

       

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      I was gonna go into some other things I’ve been doing over the last couple of weeks like the fact that I’ve started going through the house… slowly… or the fact that I’ve started my book! (an even slower start… but I’ve got a file folder with words in it!) But, it’s my Sunday on a Monday and I’ve got things to do. All in all, I feel I’ve been doing okay. Going through the cabinet in the living room was rewarding. It’s interesting what you find in boxes. This one had old computers (no, I didn’t turn them on to look at pics or anything… although I wanted to), CD’s from decades ago, cords cords cords, an old picture of me from 2007, a ticket from our NY City Christmas in 2012, toys my mom gave Kateri over the years,…. and underwear. Yup, you just never know what you’ll find!… but you’ve gotta open the box first to see what’s in it! Otherwise, it’s just a box taking up space.

       

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      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • Dating as a widower is a huge, complicated thing. For all you widowed people out there… just be true and honest to yourself and the other person… and fuck whatever issues and opinions other people have about it… they really don’t have any idea of what you are going through.
        • It’s hard to balance the wanting to spend time with someone, but also wanting and needing to spend time alone… again, complicated.
      • Sleep is still a strange thing. During the work week I do okay…ish… 5-7 hours of sleep depending. I generally wake up on the couch between 2:23 and 3:47 on the weekends…. and then crawl into bed so that I can have that feeling of waking up in bed.
      • Cake Pops. No matter what… they make things better. (unless you have diabetes… then they probably aren’t that great for ya)
      • Six Hundred and Sixty-Six days in… It’s still hard to come to terms with the fact that Kateri isn’t here. I miss her. I miss our life. I miss our future. And when I think about it… it makes me cry. At this point though… I generally cry alone.
        • wow… that sounds ridiculously sad.
      • Remember, we are surrounded by both “The Good” in the world and “The Bad”.img_1338 It’s up to us to decide on which to focus on and when. We aren’t helpless. Sometimes, we can do things that are actually helpful to ourselves… and others… without much effort.
      • I haven’t worn my wedding ring for 16 days.
      • The beard is getting a little old… and itchy… but I just can’t get rid of it yet! (because it’s still kinda fun)
      • I hope you have a good day!

      ps… You can follow the blog if you want! I promise! Unless you’re a dick… then you can follow some other blog.

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      Posted in grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 10 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, loss, melanoma, mourning, Salem, thirtydaysofmorning, Widow, widower, widowernotesnthoughts
    • Widower Day 567… a good run of numbers.

      Posted at 12:45 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on November 10, 2019

      img_0978Kateri and I weren’t exactly “texters”… or really even cell phone users, but for some reason I had started texting her when the time was 1:23 or 12:34 or 3:45 or 2:34… you get the idea. I’ve always enjoyed numbers. At the ranch where Kateri and I met, there really wasn’t much to do in the winter if you weren’t working, or snowmobiling, or snowshoeing… or any of the other things you do when there’s 5 feet of snow out the window… with another 4 feet on top of that. So I watched movies here and there, put together puzzles, hung out with the other seasonal riff raff, and read a few books. Some of those books were filled with stories, some were filled with history, and some were filled with exciting tid bits of information like how the Fibonacci Sequence shows up in the arrangement of the seeds of a sunflower. Over the years I have read less and less about “math” as my interests turned towards other things… like cooking, guitar, and hanging out with Kateri… and now I think I’ve dumbed myself down to where I simply get excited when I look at the clock and it reads 4:56! Which I guess has nothing to do with equations or mathematics… but it’s a fun little observance that has absolutely no real significance in my day to day life… and I guess I thought Kateri needed to know when the numbers lined up!

      There are so many little things that pop into my head throughout the day that remind me of life with Kateri. Lately, for one reason or another, the memories have been coming in a bit more frequently. They aren’t all big memories of exciting times, or holidays, or those special moments that are only shared between the two people experiencing them… some are little tiny random blips that show up and turn into bigger blips… like texting Kateri 12:34. I don’t know how many times I texted her when the numbers were all lined up on the clock… but I do remember that once in a great while I would receive a text from her and all it would say is 1:23… and it put a smile on my face. I knew the only reason she was doing it was because she knew I got a strange little kick out of it and looking back on it, it’s just one of those little things in my past life that now has a whole bunch more attached to it. It’s kinda like these memories are little tug boats pulling twenty years of experiences behind them with all the emotions piled up high on the barge. Once that tug boat gets to it’s destination… it’s just a matter of time until those emotions need to be unloaded from the barge… and I never know if it’s gonna get unloaded quickly… or take longer than expected!… and there’s always another tug boat coming up the river with an emotional barge in tow.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • Kateri’s plants… I still view them as her’s and not mine. Broadly speaking, they provide me with a living connection to her that I need to pay attention to, take care of, and keep alive… which provides me with a sense of accomplishment along with being surrounded by other living things.
      • I grabbed a coat from a closet and saw Kateri’s mustard yellow and redish coat. I haven’t gotten rid of or packed her coats away, so they have just been hanging in the spare rooms. This specific coat always made me think of how un-Kateri it was. It was kinda new, kinda stylish, kinda modern. Kateri was most comfy in well worn clothes and flannels, but she also really liked getting dressed up… it made her feel good… and she always looked good no matter what she was wearing!
      • My guitar has provided me with an escape from the crushing onslaught of emotions, thoughts, and memories the death of Kateri brought into my life.59443070664__ecc1a93f-b10f-4f0d-ab32-a54de9e6d62e It provides me relief. When she first died and I realized I was playing almost every day… I bought myself a new guitar… a new sound. It provided me change, but with the comfort of familiarity. This year, I thought I would take advantage of my solitude and buy myself an amplifier because of the whole “I’m not gonna bother anyone”… and plus I needed a little personal growth with my hobby. I wanted a few more options with how my “Escape Time” sounded as I searched for relief from the swirling thoughts… and it has been working. Like everything else in this new life, I try to fill time and space with people and experiences that make me feel good… with the hope of dampening down all the crap. Unfortunately… the crap is always there. But fortunately… I can sometimes swap it out for a few moments of “The Good” in the world through walks in the woods with neighbors, conversations on the couch, Stewart’s Orange Soda, Ben and Jerry’s… or simply the strumming of strings.
      • The cold toilet seat-I took a crap the other morning in the downstairs bathroom and the toilet seat (and bathroom) was a tit bit nipply… almost to the point of invigorating. As I sat there, it made me think about how we put the portable radiator in there when Kateri was sick so that it would keep the space… and toilet seat… warm, since she spent most of her time downstairs next to the wood stove when cancer first appeared… and we were remodeling the upstairs bathroom. (the bathroom in which she put the first hole in the wall… but never saw it finished… or took a bath in her tub surrounded by subway tile.)
      • I’ve been falling asleep to music lately… Tom Waits. I haven’t been able to listen to the Allison Kraus/Robert Plant album… we would fall asleep to that album or Neil Young’s Harvest Moon quite a bit. I just can’t do it… it feels too weird. It’s weird enough that the music emits from the little JBL speaker I had bought for Kateri when she was in the hospital so that she could listen to the Dali Lama chanting as she tried to relax and rest.
      • Squishy… I sleep with Squishy every night. Squishy was one of Kateri’s pillows. She called it Squishy because it was… Squishy. I still only use the pillow case with the three flowers on the front for it… any other pillow case just doesn’t seem to be the right fit. I still use my pillow… Squishy just happens to be crammed under or behind it, as well.
      • Food storage containers-Kateri bought us a bunch of food storage containers for our first Christmas in our first “Home”… the Schoolhouse. Every time I open the bottom drawer and grab one to put half an onion in, or maybe some leftover roasted root vegetables, it makes me think of that Christmas… and her. .
      • I was so proud of myself for getting the studded snow tires on the Jeep before the first snow flew. Then I drove over a screw and had to use my un-studded full size spare for 4 days… and it snowed. Luckily, I only had to buy one new tire and not four.
        • Kateri bought these current snow tires… our first ones studded… which is one of those weird memory type things. She bought them almost two years ago and I remember she had a doctor’s appointment the same day because of the headaches she was having… which turned out to actually be tumors.0bb7f48f-821b-4d58-aea1-f2b3de05ec26 It’s a hard memory for me because I remember not being very sympathetic to her headache.  It was before we knew what was going on and I thought it was just a headache that would go away in time… but it never did… and I’m reminded of that morning by stupid studded snow tires… two years later. (I’ve written this down before and I just find it interesting how it’s one of those recurring memories that is time specific. I wonder if this memory is gonna visit me every year when the weather changes and the people start freaking out with the first forecast snow. I swear… people lose their minds!)
      • I hope you have a wonderful Sunday… and thanks for stopping by!

      ps… I thought it would be cool to post this blog at 12:34… but then I had to tend to the fire and missed it!

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      Posted in grief, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 2 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, loss, thirtydaysofmorning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 560… A Nice Sunday Morning… and Fire.

      Posted at 11:54 am by Darren Lidstrom, on November 3, 2019

      img_0787I established a draft! Yup… it’s pretty exciting! Not like a draft in the writing sense of the word… with my new woodstove and chimney. If you don’t know what I’m talking about… you’re missing out on one of the best things about cold weather… a hot spot to stand next to! It’s been kind of a fun challenge dialing in the new stove, but also kinda frustrating when I can’t get it to burn as efficiently as it should. Plus, when it’s 26 degrees out, like this morning… I wanna be all toasty and warm!

      This morning, after I woke up on the couch at 4:37am (next to a pile of empty KitKat and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup wrappers)… and then woke up in bed at 7:42am… I went down to get the fire going for the day. I had planned on spending today doing home chores and getting to know the knew stove since we are in a “cooling trend” right now.img_0933 You know, do some shit outside… clean and organize the garage, take down window boxes, try to leaf blow the leaves from my yard to the empty land across the road without “Sunday Traffic” seeing me!… while periodically coming in to stoke the fire to keep The Schoolhouse nice and warm. It’s the first day in a bit that I would have this opportunity so I thought I would just go with it, go slow, relax, and enjoy the Sunday Morning doing a few things that would make me happy… like drinking coffee in bed as I hear the tick of cast iron warming my home.

      I’m excited to spend some time outside, too. It’ll feel good to get the yard buttoned up for winter. By next Friday, the temps are gonna start dipping into the teens, so I also feel like time is running out to take care of some of these things before the snow flies! It doesn’t hurt that it feels good to look at it once it’s all cleaned up… instant gratification! Accomplishment… I guess. And it’s always refreshing to be out in the fresh, cool air… with chickens.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • My Brother-in-law called last night. We spoke for almost 2 hours. It was fantastic. One of the weird things for me is how with Kateri not being here, neither are her family members as much… physically/phone calls/or texts. She was one of 8 kids… and she was like Switzerland. There was always someone calling, visiting, living with us from time to time, helping us, us helping them, etc., etc…. and now… not. I understand it’s just a normal part of this experience and something I will get used to… but it’s weird… and I miss them.
      • I took my wedding ring off last night when I took a shower. It felt strange. The other strange part was I kept forgetting to put it back on… for like 8 minutes. I had put it on my dresser, but it wasn’t until I got downstairs and had gone to adjust it with my thumb and noticed it wasn’t there! I went upstairs and put it back on.
      • I’m getting my license renewed tomorrow. It’s been making me think about Kateri a lot. She got her license renewed maybe a month or so before she died. I had to work, but she was with the perfect person to take her… someone she loved… a lot. The story is entertaining… if you knew Kateri… and the story. It’s a good memory for me from a time that sucked balls.
        • Although the memory puts a smile on my face… the Crocodile Tears are currently commencing. (a good time to check the status of the stove!.. and get more coffee!)
      • I’ve decided to start going through the house this winter and taking stock. I haven’t done anything yet… because it’s filled with 20… 43 years of my life and I can’t just approach it as “old life/new life” type stuff, but I do wanna take some more steps to sorta start putting my life together. Create my space… starting with our stuff… because I like our stuff!… (yup… stuff).
      • Ummm, that’s about alls I gots. I mean, I there’s more… but now I do feel like I need to get motivated and get outside!… and I’ve drank 3/4’s of a pot of coffee so sitting here is starting to become a challenge! I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday… and it’s filled with things that make you feel good!

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      Posted in cancer, grief, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 1 Comment | Tagged cancer, loss, mourning, randomwidowerthoughts, thirtydaysofmorning, widower, widows
    • Widower Day… 18 months.

      Posted at 7:36 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on October 22, 2019

      Kateri Apple Pickin'It’s been a year and a half since Kateri passed away… that just seems all sorts of fucked up to me. It’s weird because at some points it seems like it has been that long (whatever that means)… and at other times it seems like yesterday. Actually, anytime I think about Kateri it seems like yesterday… which is hard… and the main reason why I have to try and manage my emotions much of the time. I can function in society without breaking down in the grocery store or coffee shop… but I still don’t care if I do. Although I haven’t become comfortable living my life without Kateri (I just want her back)… I have become more comfortable with my situation… and all the bullshit that comes along with it. Mourning the loss of a spouse is one of those “Big Life” experiences that happens to be somewhat complicated and I realize I am just settling into this whole grieving process… because it’s gonna be around for a while! Oh, it’s gonna change here and there… maybe it’ll even take a break once in a while… but it’s not going anywhere. I’m just learning to live with it.

      Eighteen months. I don’t even really know what to say… which may come as a surprise to some people who know me!… but there is just so much involved it’s hard for me to corral all my thoughts on the subject! Soooooo, I decided to revert back to a list of thoughts that have popped in the noggin of this widower as I remember the last year and a half without the person who I expected to live the rest of my life with… my wife… my Kateri.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I haven’t redecorated or changed much in the house because I realized… it’s my house… and I like how Kateri and I have filled it with things from our life together. Just because she’s gone doesn’t mean I’m starting from scratch. Yes, it’s hard to be surrounded by 20 years of life together… the relentless reminders… but it’s still 20 years of my life.
      • I’m writing this in “Kateri’s Chair”. She spent a lot of “Cancer Time” in this chair… I don’t sit in it much anymore.
      • The last movie I went to was Star Wars Something (I think The Last Jedi..?)… on Christmas of 2017. It was in Idaho… Kateri was in Vermont… and it was 6 days after we found out she had melanoma in her brain.Our first piece of furniture!
      • Kateri’s and my first piece of furniture… a stool we bought in 2001 from a store called FolkHeart in Bristol when we were living in a studio above a garage… attached to a big ass empty house in Monkton… is starting to unravel.
      • A positive in this shitty experience… I.. love… to… hit… SNOOZE! Really, I do… I’ve mentioned it before. It simply was not an option with Kateri… mostly if I had to get up before her.  She was not a morning person! I mean, she liked the morning time once she got up, but she wasn’t getting up until the last possible minute. Of course, it was also because she had never been a good sleeper… and now I’m thinking about how I miss hearing her sleep……… fuck.
      • I bought an amp for my guitar yesterday… it makes me happy. That’s about all on that…. I just needed to get back to a happier place!2e71f4de-b4c0-4ad3-b461-b8fc7cc72cd4
      • The constant feeling of being behind gets old… that probably sounds obvious.
      • In the 18 months since Kateri died I’ve basically gone from crushing pain in the beginning… to just a dull, foggy, muted existence most of the time. I wanna say that that sounds worse than it is… but it’s pretty accurate. Yup, still have times of fun n shit, but losing Kateri….
      • I totally need to go through my freezer… and cupboards… and chest freezer… yum.
      • My house was 68 degrees this morning! (that’s a good thing)
        • I’m pretty happy with the new stove and it feels good knowing Kateri would be happy with it, as well. Now… all I need to do is take 2″ off of three and a half cords of wood. Helloooo CHOP SAW!! (ya, ya… “miter saw”… but “CHOP” is more fun)
      • The things I’ve used to help me get through… to provide comfort… the things I’ve come to rely on are my friends and family, my job/profession/and co-workers, music, and my home. It’s mostly been the schoolhouse as of late… it’s just cozy.
      • I still wear my wedding ring. Will probably test the waters of taking it off soon… but I’ve been saying that for a while now! Sheesh, it’s odd just thinking about not having the weight on that hand!… and I play with it a lot!img_0791
        • So I just wrote how I play with it a lot… (never mind the sexual innuendoes some childish people may be snickering about)… and then I looked at my ring. I felt it, spun it around my finger, moved it up past the first knuckle as I always do (just because it feels good to let the skin beneath feel some air), and thought about everything that went into our wedding rings… what they are. Our wedding rings have significance, meaning…. weight. Although I miss being able to say “My wife” or Kateri calling me “Her husband”… I’m glad we played the parts the way we did… it makes me feel good.
      • Simply… which, come to find out isn’t so simple… I’m sometimes just tired of being a “widower” and dealing with everything that comes along with it. At 18 months… a year and a half without my wife… I feel I’m doing… ok. Sometimes I think about all of the things I should or want to do… and then literally say to myself, “Just get through today.” I actually said that at the grocery store this evening, which is why I’m writing it down now! Sometimes, that’s good enough for me. At other times, I guess I get tired of “just getting through the day”… and it’s a good kick in the butt to get something done… like making logs two inches shorter!img_0805
        • Just to put it out there… I think at 18 months I’m gonna start writing about some of the more uplifting and fun things happening in my life in between the piles of poop. I mean, it’s about balance right…?! (yes, I feel as though the one big pile of poop has been divided up into smaller piles of poop… but they’re all still poop.)

      The End

      ps… it wasn’t the end because I wanted to say that I hope you all have a nice evening. Maybe get a fire going, eat a chicken pot pie, throw in a movie, relax a bit in comfy clothes and realize that there are quite a few pretty darn good things in this world. Ummm… unless you don’t have any of those options… then, I guess you’re on your own… but I hope you still have a nice evening with the pretty darn good things in your world!

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      Posted in cancer, grief, inspirational, loss, marriage, Widow, widower | 10 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, loss, marriage, melanoma, mourning, thirtydaysofmorning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • 536 Days Into This Bullsh……. it.

      Posted at 8:55 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on October 10, 2019

      (Just to put it out there… I still haven’t experienced that “Anger” at the situation feeling, yet… I just REALLY like to swear.)

      img_0700Ok. So all I really wanted to say is that… for me… 536 days into this experience is about the time that I needed to make the decision to start looking at the future a tiny bit more. I’m tired of the “routine”. Yes, there are things I have been doing that provide me joy (guitar, sitting by the fire or on the porch, eating cake pops, etc.), but those things are literally to get through the day. Losing a spouse is crushing… in every aspect of your life… at least it has been for me. We do things… anything… to just… not… hurt. (To give you a glimpse into the emotional state of this widower… I saw Kateri’s name in a sentence I wrote… and now I’m a wreck. I love her name… how it looks… everything that fills those letters and the spaces in between. That it was who she was.) But getting back to the point… I’m ready for change. I feel the need to make some small changes… and I’m ready for some big ones, as well. (ummm, FYI… not toooo big of changes… or too many!… or ones on a whim! Even though whims make for good adventures). I just feel the need to take a step back, take a moment, and move forward with a bit more focus on having my happiness and well being in mind going into the future.

      Basically, I’ve had a few challenges pop up on a few different fronts and I’m just gonna make the effort to control the things I can control, not worry about the things I can’t, and start asking myself… me… what it is I want my life to look like. I may have said all this before (sorry, I still haven’t re-read most of my posts), but I don’t think I can tell myself too many times to focus on being happy!… so that’s what I’m gonna do. Yup. The End.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • People go away. Some just because it’s part of the experience. Others… just because. But it’s interesting that the “lonely” factor, feeling, and level hasn’t really changed. It hasn’t gotten better or worse… just still kinda there. People aren’t gonna help with taking away that loneliness because that loneliness is… the loss of Kateri. I expect it will get better in time, but it has definitely held on… and it’s tiring.
      • I love fall.  The smell of the wet leaves. The colors. The hoodies and heavier comfy clothes. I also can’t wait to be able to say that it is now “Fell”… or “Stick Season”… it reminds me of Kateri.
      • 536 Days… the phone is still in Kateri’s name!
      • I met some more neighbors! Sat on their porch and chewed the fat for a bit! A friend and I were going on a walk, and a wave turned into a talk.img_0735 The friend I was with was female… (ummm, and she still is)… so when R. asked if we were The Schoolhouse people it made for an interesting introduction when I had to explain that the schoolhouse was mine and my wife’s first home… that my friend is not my wife and that I live alone… because my wife died from cancer. Fun!
        • Just part of the life of a widower!
        • And it was actually a wonderful 45ish minute visit!
      • Yes, I got a new woodstove! Yes… I love it! (yes… I have 3 and a half cords of 14-16 inch logs… and it only takes 14″. Again… fun)

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      Posted in inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 8 Comments | Tagged cancer, loss, mourning, thirtydaysofmorning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 17 Months and a Day (now plus 2)… September 23, 2019… I’m vested!

      Posted at 11:03 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on September 25, 2019

      So…. today happens to be the 6 Year Anniversary of employment at my job.  I know, I know… doesn’t seem to be like a huge deal, but for me… it kinda is… for a few reasons. Shortly after Kateri died, I needed to put some parameters/guidelines/goals/rules on my life. The whole experience is just an onslaught of everything and I didn’t wanna just lose my shit… so I told myself I wouldn’t make any “Big Life” decisions until at least today, September 23, 2019. It seemed like a decent amount of time to at least let the dust settle… figure a few things out… learn a few things… and a point to just check in with myself. The other reason… is purely financial.

      First… the financial side. I’m pretty sure that as of today, I will be fully vested as an Employee Owner of the company I work for! For my company! It’s an ESOP… Employee Stock Ownership Plan… so a few hundred and some other people can say the same thing… but whatever! (Which means, I ain’t no CEO,CFO, PPO, MTG, DRM or anything…  just plain ODD) Basically, we get money when we leave the company as it buys back our stocks… or something… it’s a good retirement thing. Fully vested=I get 100% of those stocks instead of 60% or 20% n such. Plus… wait for it… I get………….. A VEST! Embroidery and all! But really… it’s about the money. Since I just lost a good chunk of my household income when Kateri died, I figured sticking around for at least 17 months seemed worth the financial return. (I’m soooo pragmatic!… and thinking of my future!). The fact that I like my job, coworkers, company, and most of the guests made the decision to use Sept. 23rd as a target date pretty simple.

      Ummm… honestly… yes, getting vested is sort of a fun thing for me… but there other things I have attached to that date, as well. Like some of those “Big Life” questions that losing a spouse brings up in the widowed person’s life. The questions it has brought up for me, in my life with the loss of Kateri… are significant. Questions like:

      • Who do I want to be? Who am I?… me?… now that I’m by myself? (yup, still me… but it’s different)
      • Where do I want to be?… Vermont?, Rockies?, somewhere completely new and/or different? Travel? Stay put?
      • What fulfills me?
      • What do I enjoy?… What puts a smile on my face?
      • What options do I have for any given obstacle?
      • How will I keep my home?… Do I keep my home? (definitely yes. I’ve answered that one on multiple occasions from a couple of different angles for myself… and plus… my house is totally fucking cute)
        • Then… How will I make more money?… doing something I wanna do!
          • I’m actually willing to do things I don’t wanna do… I’m just not willing to do them right now! I’m not there yet… and I’m not gonna start there, neither!
      • What do I want to do professionally?… Hmmmmm. (I still enjoy what I do and take pride in my work, but 25 years is a long time to do one thing!)

      Now it’s September 23 (well, the 25th really) and I am happy to inform you……… I haven’t really answered too many of those questions! But one thing I love about my life are the little things that happen to pop up at the perfect times… sometimes… like this afternoon. I stopped to get gas and as I was pulling away I noticed I hadn’t shut the cover to the fuel filler inlet (yes… I just asked the Oracle what it was called!), so I pulled into a parking space to shut it. As I got out of the car, my phone started doing it’s little shimmy and shake as a friend was giving me a call. After a couple of “Hey Bud!”s it quickly went to… “How would you like to come work for me in blah blah blah?”. Then I heard a crashing in the background… an “I gotta go!”…  and we made a plan to catch up later. It was kind of an unexpected thing

      I’ll let you know, we chatted for about 2 and a half hours… along with another friend of mine (who happens to be his wife)… and a majority of that was simply catching up. Yes, we spoke about the possibilities of working together again and I asked my initial questions, but there are a lot… A LOT!… more questions that need to be asked that also need to have some pretty specific answers! But that’s not what I found most exciting about this little “catch up”. For me, the fact that a really good friend of mine happened to have an idea on this day… and he decided to share his idea with me on a day in which I have put quite a bit of personal significance on… just warmed me to the bone! The timing! It’s experiences like these that make me think about how things just fall in line once in a while to make you feel good!… to put a smile on your face! I’m not saying I’m quitting my job and am just gonna thrust myself into a new kind of life quite yet, but the fact that it even came up was just… perfect. (Kind of like when Heman stopped by and introduced himself the day after Kateri passed!… wonderful experiences.)

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I’m getting a new woodstove tomorrow…! I’ve been super excited about it and I’m sure I’ll share at some point, but it sorta just hit me… I have some pretty significant memories attached to this woodstove!… (like Kateri laying next to it… on a pad that a dear dear friend had made her… as she lived with cancer… the last four months of her life.)
        • She kept the fire going. It kept her warm. It made her feel good. She was there a lot.

      img_0600
      img_0606

      • Yup, totally had one of those sobbing moments with those memories tonight… and then I realized how much I’ve adapted to those things as I was crying away while getting the fire going. Still got shit to do!… wet face action or not!
        • There was no real need for a fire tonight except for the fact that I wanted to have one more!… for Old Times’ sake! I’m sentimental n shit.

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      Posted in anniversary, cancer, inspirational, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 3 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, mourning, thirtydaysofmorning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day… 17 months. Where’d the summer go…? (stoopid time)

      Posted at 11:52 am by Darren Lidstrom, on September 22, 2019

      img_0576We were talking in the kitchen the other day how we couldn’t believe September is more than halfway over! Seeing the trees already trading in their bright green leaves for the vibrant reds, yellows, and oranges of Autumn Time in New England (well, Vermont) came up a bit quicker than expected… but then again… I don’t know where the summer went… or the last 17 months.

      I kinda get annoyed with how we all talk about not knowing where the time went… like we were caught off guard that time didn’t stop for us… that nature didn’t take a break. But I also think we focus on the time because we live good lives, with good people, with good experiences… and we hate that that time is limited. We find ourselves in disbelief that we didn’t take advantage of seeing this person or talking to that person… or going ziplining, parachuting, to the beach, out to a nice dinner, or to the Snoop Dogg and Friends Tour featuring Warren G as they celebrate 25 years of Doggystyle (a classic album).  The missed opportunities are amplified as we attach the passage of time to them as a gauge to the success of us “taking advantage of life” or not. Ya, there are all sorts of things I wish I had done in the last 17 months… but I can’t dwell on those things too much… and I am trying to not be too hard on myself as I wrestle with figuring out this new life… in a new time.

      Seventeen months. In some regards, it simply doesn’t feel like Kateri has been gone for a year and 5 months… in most regards, actually. Although I have woken up every single day without her, it feels like just yesterday I was able to feel her skin, her hair, her love… without having to remember it.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • One pot/pan dinners… that’s usually my goal… if I’m not eating Gas Station Chinese food or pizza. I’m trying to eat better, but I’m also just kinda over doing dishes.
      • 50 Followers!… (I think that’s WordPress..?) and it only took a year!…ish… might’ve been a bit longer… but 50!
      • I’m getting a new wood stove on Thursday. It’s the first “major” purchase for the house without Kateri here and although I’m excited about it… it feels kinda strange. I decided on a Vermont Castings because of  sentimental reasons… and I think Kateri would be proud of my decision.
        • Side note… it’s always fun (sarcasm) when you think about new woodstoves and it reminds you of your wife laying next to the old woodstove on a cold winter day… on a pad that a friend made… knowing she has cancer… and knowing it’s not good.
      • I have now heard the terms “Axeless Mountain Dwarf” AND “Hermit” to describe me or my tendencies… and I’m ok with that.

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      Posted in cancer, grief, inspirational, loss, Widow, widower | 4 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, loss, mourning, sunday morning, thirtydaysofmorning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 504… worried about losing the memories.

      Posted at 11:40 am by Darren Lidstrom, on September 8, 2019

      img_1599I’ve been kinda freaking out about losing pictures and videos… memories… as the time keeps piling up so I started going through them in an attempt to organize them… it’s a slow process. I realized we all get a YouTube account with our google account so I figured I would at least throw the videos I have hanging out on my phone on there so that they are consolidated, I could expand the sharing of this experience, and I could learn a bit more about this technology stuff. Again… slow process.

      This morning I had planned on looking at what I’m doing here… Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning… and begin the process of narrowing my focus since I feel I’m doing this sorta half hazardly… I’m all over the place! Well… I’m still gonna be all over the place for at least another day or two… or more. I got sidetracked… by those memories I’m trying not to lose.

      Long story short… I came across this video that Kateri had taken on the morning of her first immunotherapy treatment. It was an early appointment so we were there before the masses of sick people and their loved ones started inundating the hospital. The pianos are generally locked… I’m assuming so people like me don’t just start banging on the keys… but this one wasn’t locked on this particular morning…. opportunity.

      Now, if you watch the video you’ll notice that I am not a concert pianist! Heck, this is really the only song I sorta know (and it’s only part of the song), but that wasn’t the point. As Kateri, Maria, and I walked into the hospital and I saw the piano wasn’t locked… I saw the opportunity to give Kateri something… a moment to forget exactly why we were there.  I wanted to provide her with something that might just take some of the worry away… even for just a moment.

      I’ve gotta say… watching this video brought me back to that morning. It was strange to remember that moment so vividly. It was hard to deal with the emotions that came rushing in… ones which have stuck with me throughout today’s morning. I miss my wife. I miss being with her in the good times… and to be there for her during the hard times. And currently… I miss her being there for me. I miss her being here. I miss Kateri.

       

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      Posted in cancer, grief, inspirational, Uncategorized, videos, Widow, widower | 5 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, loss, marriage, melanoma, mourning, sunday morning, thirtydaysofmorning, video, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 500… A Video… with you widows and widowers in mind.

      Posted at 11:09 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on September 4, 2019

      Ya… so… yesterday I wondered what it would be like to read one of my blog posts and record it. Well, the reading of it was emotional… and the process of trying to record myself (and then watching it)… was interesting.  Long story short, on the drive home tonight I was thinking about it being Widower Day 500 today… good, solid number… and just thought I would share something with the widows and widowers out there. (ummm… you can watch this even if you haven’t lost a spouse… it’s ok. Just to forewarn ya, though… it’s eight minutes long) There’s no real significance to the number 500 for me… but for some reason… seems like there should be!

      Sooooo, this is me reading my “Random Widower Thoughts” page… n stuff.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • Honestly, I kinda enjoyed Widower Day 500… it was kinda funny. (you should’ve seen my “recording” set up!… entertaining sight I’m sure!)
        • I’d just like to say that I still wish I lived back in the old timey days before all this technology… like the 1800’s… minus all the bad stuff.

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      Posted in inspirational, Uncategorized, videos, Widow, widower | 3 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, loss, mourning, randomwidowerthoughts, thirtydaysofmorning, threfirstthirtydays, videos, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 497… Where I wake up… every… single… morning.

      Posted at 1:59 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on September 1, 2019

      42ab0e7a-6f4d-4506-83d6-5d3c2e394651I took three days off of work last week… I felt that I needed to. I’ve been trying to take some time off during the summer, but it just didn’t really happen until this week. I’ve been feeling like I need a bit of time to address some of the obstacles this new life has put in front of me. It’s strange for me to think that it has 497 days… because I face it every single day. So at points it still feels like it literally just happened… and other times I can feel the space growing between points in the timeline. Either way, at the beginning of my Mini Vacation I had no plans on painting my bedroom… but I’m glad I did.

      Kateri and I have rented a room in a house with meat heads in Burlington, slept in a studio above a garage attached to a large empty house… on an air mattress in Monkton, slept in a loft in Starksboro (our first stand alone house… we felt so grown up), had a king size bed in our “Secluded Apartment” at the ranch in CO… the squirrels in our room weren’t the worst part… it was the racist and untrustworthy managers. We stayed on our friend’s futon up Four Mile Canyon until we found our little cabin in Ned… where we signed our lease in green colored pencil… and had no jobs at the time.  Loved that place… and the people. We stayed in our friend’s basement apartment in Huntington (well, Hanksville… but only people in Hanksville care about those specifics) when we came back to Vermont… where we could hear the kiddos riding their three wheeled machines in a circle through the kitchen, back hallway, living room, front hallway… and kitchen again…. as we laid in bed with smiles on our faces at 6:32am. Our next bedroom was just an open second floor loft with a staircase in the middle.  Actually, it was more of a glorified ladder, but it had a railing to hold on to! Side story… I heard Kateri fall down those “stairs” one night when I had forgotten my keys and had to wake her up by calling to her loudly from outside and knocking on the door as I stood in the darkness. When you can hear something like that, your fiancé (at the time) hitting the floor, but aren’t able to see what’s going on… well, I just about broke down the door. Our next place was The Condo… where, from our bed, we could hear the horses run back and forth in the arena on certain mornings. On other mornings… you simply smelled the shit.

      The next place we would lay our heads… our next bedroom…. would be in our little red schoolhouse. It’s funny to think about all the places we’ve lived, all the places we’ve slept… and then to think about where I am stretched out right now. I just can’t believe how much is packed into this little corner of the house.  Our first night sleeping on the mattress on the floor… of our first home. Moving the bed around every couple of months to find the best light. Figuring out who’s clothes will go where. Those Sunday mornings of laying in bed with coffee as we planned out our day… and dreamed about our future… between runs to fetch a fresh Cup of Joe for one another……………………. And then Cancer.

      Three days after Kateri died Maria helped me go through all of (well, most of) Kateri’s clothes.  It had always worked out that Kateri would keep her clothes in our bedroom and I would keep mine usually in the spare room… if we had one. It’s not like she had a ton of clothes, it was more that we lived in small spaces! When she first died, I didn’t see the point of waking up every morning being surrounded by her clothes as I would go to another room to grab mine for the day.  The thought had hit me that there was absolutely no reason for her clothes to be hanging in the closest… or to fill the two dressers in the room. She wasn’t coming back…. but I had to keep waking up there. I wanted to start my day in my space… with my clothes… because this was now my life. I have a house and twenty years of memories that are constantly reminding me of Kateri and what we had. I needed to chisel out a little space that was just mine as I tried to figure out this new life… so I figured I would start in the place I wake up every morning… and where I end my day every night… when I don’t fall asleep on the couch!

      For me, going through Kateri’s clothes wasn’t as hard as I expected. Maria would ask if she could take this or that for herself or a family member and I would say “Sure” or “No”. I had seen Kateri in these clothes throughout my entire life with her and we generally remember people dressed… so there is a huge attachment for me between Kateri and what she wore… her “Style”.  In the moment, it was simple… I couldn’t get rid of much… but I didn’t have to either. So, Maria and I went from drawer to drawer and into the closet. We talked, we laughed, we remembered, we cried… and then we put her clothes into green bins which sat in the corner of my bedroom for 16 and a half months… until I painted.

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      Kateri and I hadn’t gotten to painting the bedrooms of our first home.  We started with the downstairs, the laundry area, second bathroom, upstairs hallways, and kitchen. There were other things we wanted/needed to do with the house and at the time and some of those projects took priority over painting like building chicken coops, fire pits, small stone patios, and paths through the woods. There was also the bathroom remodel that started with Kateri putting the first hole in the wall before Cancer… and me finishing five months after her death. Life was just sorta happening I guess… and we never really thought about there being a timeline. So this last Monday morning, as I was talking to a friend and trying to come up with a game plan for my Mini Staycation, the painting of the bedroom project came up and I decided to go ahead and try to get it done at some point before I went back to work on Friday.

      I was actually really excited about it! It was fun trying to figure out what colors I wanted to surround myself with as I stared at a wall filled with little pieces of paper at Home Depot. Another side note… this was a time I REALLY wished Kateri was with me!… she had an eye for that type of shit, but it was still fun doing it on my own for the first time.

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      I wanted to wake up in a warm space. I wanted it to be bright.  I figured it would help put my brain in a positive space the moment I woke up!… or when I called it a day. I was gonna go with a yellowish color, but the hallway is “Mustard” and that would’ve been just too much so I went with green.  Well, actually, “Granny Smith Apple” and “Spring Leaf”. Let me tell you… there must be some very green apples out there! Yup, it’s definitely bright!… it’s growing on me.

      I like doing projects because of the instant gratification when you finish. After I had decided on paint color, got together all my brushes and other painting tools, I had remembered about taping! Jesus… I forgot about how much time that takes! I also wanted to do the job right so at some point during the evening I bit the bullet and started to meticulously cover trim, doors, and floors with masking tape. Although the thought of just “being careful” had crossed my mind… I didn’t wanna risk it.  I knew I would hear Kateri’s voice every time I saw a little bit of green paint creeping into the wood trim.

      I ended up painting until 2:34am… with the assistance of Lizzo and various 90’s Alternative Rock artists providing me with a beat to keep moving to coming from the little JBL speaker I had gotten for Kateri when she was in the hospital… but finally… it was done. It sorta reminded me of when I laid the tile in the bathroom throughout the night when Kateri was in the hospital. I kinda like plugging away… getting stuff done… when the schoolhouse lights are surrounded by darkness and the rest of the world is sleeping. I like being in my own little world once in a while. Sometimes… I need it.

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      I feel good about the job and again… the color is growing on me.  I guess it doesn’t actually matter if the color is growing on me or not… I’m not gonna paint it again for quite a while… but luckily I kinda like it. Kateri’s clothes are now in the spare bedroom across the hall… still in the green bins. Although it feels good that they are out of the bedroom because it allows more light in and I like not seeing them stacked in the corner every morning… I still can’t move them to the garage or anywhere else outside of the house for storage. I like having them close to me… even though I don’t look at them or anything. They provide me with a bit of comfort. And no… I don’t wear them or hold them or rub them up against my face… yet.

      It was hard taking another step into this new life… changing something in my home… for me. It’s weird. It’s strange. It’s odd thinking about how I want to set up the schoolhouse in a way that would provide me with a space to remember Kateri… my wife… as well as keeping my own needs and wants in mind. Yes, there were definitely some struggles and emotional moments as I was transforming my bedroom into Fern Gully, but it also felt good to take that little step… to provide myself with a new space… to create a space… in my new life.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I saw a Pella Windows truck the other day and it reminded me of when Kateri would always say how fancy their windows were.
      • I miss the Rocky Mountains, ranches, and The West.
      • There is a red ’57 Chevy for sale down the road.  I think it would look great parked in front of my little red schoolhouse… just sayin’.
      • Loggins and Messina-Danny’s Song… yup, that just about destroyed me as I was driving home the other day. Don’t know why… I don’t even really know what the song is about… wasn’t paying that close of attention!
      • I just need to figure out how to get what I want…  I know the solutions are out there!  I guess I also need to figure out what it is I actually want.  All I really know is that I need some change. Some big changes… some small… some change.
      • I hope you have a wonderful day!

      First hole in the bathroom wall
      Kateri in the Bathroom

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      Posted in cancer, grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 1 Comment | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, Lizzo, loss, marriage, mourning, sunday morning, thirtydaysofmorning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 485… the roller coaster and missed opportunities.

      Posted at 6:42 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on August 15, 2019

      North on 91I guess this is just me giving an example of why some people compare the effects of traumatic experiences to roller coaster rides.  My last blog post was pretty darn positive… the good shit in this new life! I’m actually trying to be a pretty darn positive person… but sometimes things pop into my head on the 40 minute drive home through the vibrant green hills.  Like memories. I’m gonna keep this short.

      I had been sleeping in the spare bedroom for a couple of months because Kateri really Our Bed... my bed.needed the space to try and be comfortable. Somewhere in the last of month of her life, I was tucking her into bed when she said, “You can sleep in here if you want?”…. but by the time I was done trying to figure out hospital stuff, insurance stuff, cancer stuff, life stuff… she was asleep, looking as comfortable as she could be, and I didn’t want to do anything that would ruin that. So I laid on the bed above the covers, held her for a bit, and simply kissed her goodnight.

      After that night… I never slept in my own bed… next to my wife… next to My Dearest Kateri. There’s a lot that comes along with a thought like that… a lot. Like missed opportunities… that I will never get back. Yup… just driving home.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I absolutely love driving on a newly grated dirt road!
      • There are more and more new people in my life… people who never knew Kateri… people who don’t really understand what I’m going through.
      • I should have a piano moving party!… and a wood stacking party!
      • I’ve started the process of fixing Kateri’s truck! Well, I washed off the dirt and talked to my mechanic. It’s gonna take some time… and a tow… she needs a little work. But she’s clean!
        Cleaning Kateri's Truck
        Kateri's Truck Ready for Watson's
      • Some plants need more water than other plants… but I guess they all need water!
        • You can move inside plants outside… but outside plants will grow in the inside pots… which are outside.
      • There are more spiders… than I feel are necessary… around my house.
      • Wow… I’ve written over 57,000 words!… boy are my arms tired! (corny… I know)
      • Kateri named the pillow with the flowers “Squishy”… because it’s squishy. When she got sick she would ask, “Will you grab Squishy for me?”… and I did.

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      Posted in cancer, grief, inspirational, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 4 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, melanoma, mourning, thirtydaysofmorning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day… 15 Months… and a day.

      Posted at 6:59 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on July 23, 2019

      It was a Monday morning and we were laying in bed doing what we did on Monday mornings… Kateri was looking at bathrooms to come up with ideas for ours and I was probably looking at Craigslist for jobs, canoes, motorcycles, boats, or the random things that people sell. We were sorta coming up with a game plan for the day. It was our one day off together and we always spent them with each other doing mostly nothing… it was perfect.

      Kateri wanted to build a cold frame for herbs… or lettuce… or something else we could eat… so we started to make a list of things we would need to go and get at the store to put together something that would hold dirt.  Now, did I mention it was our one day off together…? because we also usually just laid in bed for a bit, drank coffee (each of us taking turns running for refills), and pretty much got into a laid back frame of mind… which also made us not want to leave the Schoolhouse. So… I started listing off things in the garage or over at the potting shed which could be used to make a box… with a lid… with the hope of not having to go out amongst “the people”!

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      We were actually quite proud of ourselves for using what we had! I had leftover lumber probably from the chicken coop. In one of the little plastic bins/cups that Kateri had gotten for me when we bought our house… with the hope of providing me with an organizational tool for the garage I was so excited to finally have… we had found a couple of hinges. For the top…?… it only seemed appropriate to use one of the many old windows we had laying around.  (We had windows because in 2011 we had gone around picking them up from various strangers so that we could build our “church” for our wedding. No… neither one of us is religious. Kateri always said she was a “recovering catholic”). And Kateri had some garden mesh/fabric stuff… because she gardened… to line the box with. We had all the fixin’s to build our cold frame! And there was no need to leave the hill!

      It was a good day.  Nothing special. Nothing really out of the ordinary. Just a Monday. We were so proud of ourselves for just making do. Kateri was so happy to have a cold frame where she could grow things next to the front deck… and beside her gardens. She was putting down roots… at our first home. It made her happy. It made me happy to see her and to help make her happy.  Life was good… and we were happy together just doing what we did… on a Monday.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I was gonna write something yesterday for 15 months, but there were other things I wanted to do. Of course, I kinda wish I wrote about a Monday… on a Monday. (I know… kinda weird)
      • The Beastie Boys will always remind me of Kateri.
      • I finally hung the lady in the bathroom.  Kateri loved the lady in the tub.The Lady Taking a Bath
      • 15 months and I’ll admit… I’ve been a little rough lately.  Most the time everything is basically fine.  Most nights of the week… I have cried.  Sometimes… a lot. It’s hard trying to get excited about life… this new life… when the crushing reality hits that I simply miss what my life was before April 22, 2018. I miss Kateri sooo much… it just sucks.
        • I hope you have as many good people in your lives as I do… whether that’s friends, family, or co-workers… I’ve got some good ones.
      • Yup, the cold frame kinda took a beating this winter.  Glass and eight feet of snow don’t always mix… but shit still grows!

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      Posted in cancer, grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 5 Comments | Tagged Beastie Boys, cancer, grief, loss, marriage, melanoma, mourning, thirtydaysofmorning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 449… I started this blog a year ago… and made a video today… there’s a tractor… briefly.

      Posted at 5:52 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on July 12, 2019

      img_5502Well… as of today it has been a year since I started jotting some thoughts down pertaining to this whole widower thing on this little bloggery I have called Thirty Days of Mo(u)ring. Yup… a year.  I have published 74 (75 now!) posts, learned a bit about how these things work, learned a bit about myself, have gotten some lovely words of encouragement, and have had strangers come into my world that I would now consider my friends… ish. I had absolutely no idea what I was gonna be doing with this blog, how I was gonna do it, or really even why (still don’t), but a few people have reached out to me to say “thanks for sharing… it has helped me get through my shit.”… and I can’t tell you how much that warms my innards.

      There are so many things that I want to share, but being a widower is hard… and it takes time away from life. A year. It’s weird to think about all that has happened in that year… and all that I thought would happen. At this point last year, I hadn’t yet finished the upstairs bathroom that Kateri and I started to remodel before cancer… but I finally did… and I took a bath. I hadn’t yet rearranged the living room into a configuration that Kateri would never see. I hadn’t yet gotten on Widow/Widower support groups to try and promote my blog… and then find out that I didn’t wanna share it on that platform because it felt more like self promoting than being supportive. I hadn’t yet gotten on dating apps because of the curiosity… and crushing loneliness. One of my best friends hadn’t yet left Ned for Arizona… cutting off one of our last connections to a town I absolutely loved. Our closest friends here in the Upper Valley (the one Kateri always wanted to live next to, to be neighbors with until we grew old) hadn’t yet decided to start taking steps to relocate for other exciting opportunities. I hadn’t yet been to Atlantic City where “Angel” approached me asking if I wanted to “conversate” in my hotel room (I didn’t).  My boss and good friend hadn’t yet left work to make another go at opening another successful restaurant. Old friends hadn’t yet come to Vermont to sit on my porch for the first time… solely because they knew I needed them. My mother had cancer in her brain a year ago… and doesn’t as of today!… (now we’re just waiting for it to clear from her lungs… CT scan today). There have been a lot of changes and learning experiences in the past year. On this day last year… it hadn’t even been three months since I heard Kateri take her last breath as I held her arm with two of our best friends sitting next to her… and holding me.

      I wish I could say I’m in better shape than I was a year ago, but I’m not too sure I can say that. They say time heals… but so far I still feel it just changes things. Personally, I’m constantly overwhelmed, constantly worried about money and everything attached to it (I’m a worry wort), constantly trying to “figure out” things that can’t be figured out, constantly trying to do things that make me happy… and always trying to find more hours in the day to fit it all in. Just because I have moved further away from that horrible horrible date, it hasn’t exactly made it easier. I have been forced to manage my grieving and sadness because life doesn’t stop.  I still have to go to work, take care of responsibilities, take care of the house, the chickens, deal with the blah, blah, blah… and fit the emotional stuff in when I can.  Sometimes it will just show up and I have to either suppress it because I’m about to go back into work or I’m at the store or something. Sometimes, I’m in a place where I can let it go… like sitting in my car in my driveway when I just get home… or in my bed writing a blog. Either way… it’s a hard thing to manage… and a stupid thing to have to manage. It also doesn’t hurt less… it’s just more sporadic.

      I know this all sounds pretty depressing… as if there was very little joy in my world… but that’s not the case.  It’s a very manic experience being a widower… kind of all over the place emotionally and psychologically. Which just means there are times I’m doing well and feel pretty good about the direction I’m going… and then there are times I need to take a break from writing blogs or thinking about whatever to just go outside and dead-head the daisies in the planters on the porch… because it provides me with a sorta connection to Kateri… she loved dead-heading flowers.  She would say, “Pop their little heads off” or simply “Off with their heads!”… and it made her happy.  I loved seeing Kateri happy.

      I guess that’s one goal of sharing your life with whoever in whatever capacity… to see them happy… which makes us happy. It doesn’t always happen… and sometimes things happen that we just can’t be happy about… but they’re gonna happen anyways. Sometimes, there are days where we just want to stay in comfy clothes, smoke a pinner, eat ice cream, and watch re-runs of Friends. But the joint burns out, the ice cream gets eaten, Friends move on to short lived spin-offs or other endeavors… and we all have to put our pants on to start a new day.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I should probably take the home phone and internet out of Kateri’s name at some point… but I’m really afraid of losing my number!
      • I look down a lot when I walk… so I miss shit.
      • I’ve been wanting to get Kateri’s truck up and running. I loved seeing her in it… and currently it would be helpful to move wood!
        • Kateri’s dream car was a Toyota with a wooden bed… such the Vermonter!
      • I’ve noticed I’ve been able to remember some of the fun stuff from before the pile of shit… which is such a nice corner to turn within this process. It doesn’t happen a ton, but when it does… it’s just so warming.
      • Yup, I could eat better, sleep better, and just take care of myself better… but I’m doing good enough.
      • Thank you to everyone who has checked my shit out! It makes me feel warm and fuzzy…. even though it’s hot and humid.

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      Posted in anniversary, cancer, grief, Uncategorized, videos, Widow, widower | 3 Comments | Tagged cancer, Dali Lama, grief, marriage, mourning, thirtydaysofmorning, video, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 2.78.443… The Fourth… Flat Tires… and a card.

      Posted at 8:55 am by Darren Lidstrom, on July 7, 2019

      Lil' Bitch n ChickenWell, currently sitting in my garage because it’s cooler than the front porch right now and I don’t wanna be inside.  I just let the chickens out so that they could feel the grass between their toes… and eat all the ticks. Today is one of those days that I’m willing to risk having to deal with death so that the chickens can enjoy being chickens.  (when you live in the woods… there are creatures that rather enjoy eating chicken for dinner… hopefully not tonight, though!) Yup, today I’m just going with the flow.  It’s kind of what I’ve been doing for the last week or two… which has been both good and… well… aggravating on some fronts.

      img_5435-e1562711902808.jpgIndependence Day was fantastic.  A friend and I had a wonderfully Vermonty 4th of July with parades (well… a parade), swimming holes, creamies, grilled burgers, macaroni salad, homemade key lime pie (not my home), fireworks and all! It kinda sucked getting a flat tire on the way down to the fireworks… and having the wheel decide it didn’t wanna come off for a bit even though the lug nuts were on the asphalt… but the spare made it on and we made it in time to watch shit explode! Personally, I love the fact that we both sorta rolled with it.  We tried something with the tire… didn’t work… I tried it again! Oh hey, my AAA is non-existent…?… let’s try yours! Once we actually got to the point that a tow truck was coming, I just started to kick one side of the tire and it popped off! So we canceled the wrecker, threw on the full size spare (thank God… or something… that it was full size), drove to the town just south of the parking lot we were in, and enjoyed the rest of the evening! Rolling with it!… until it cost me $303 to throw 4 old tires on the Jeep and to replace the sensor that the flat tire destroyed. (Actually still rolling with it at that point… just reluctantly)

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      A couple of days later, Saturday, I woke up with tears puddled up on my eyeballs and lids. Now… I just need to say… this was one of the stranger “Widower” experiences I have had.  I guess it isn’t really all that strange, but it hasn’t happened to me much… if at all… until Saturday. Oh, I’ve woken up and then started crying… but this was different.  There was accumulation of salty water on my closed eye lids! When I moved my head I could feel the streams roll over my cheeks into my beard and ears.

      I don’t really remember what the dream was about, it wasn’t anything serious or big, but Kateri was in it… both of us were… together. The odd part for me was that I was sorta watching this dream as a third person. There wasn’t a big event happening or anything… it wasn’t like it was our wedding… Darren2 and Kateri were for the most part just going about their lives.  It was the fact that I was witnessing these two people just plugging away… and it crushed me.  Neither one of them had any idea of what direction their life was gonna take… they had no idea of the pain that they both would face. The physical, psychological, and emotional pain that cancer was gonna cause Kateri… and the pain of having to live a life I (he… Darren2) didn’t plan on… nor care as much for. Seeing Darren2 and Kateri happy without the big pile of poop… before the big pile of poop plopped down… just sorta crushed me in my dream… which is something I guess can make you cry while your asleep.

      And now!… I’m gonna go do something else… where there’s less mosquitos! (I feel like mosquitos should stay out of garages! Little bastards.)

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • The whole widower experience has this loneliness thing attached to it all the time… it’s just there… hanging with me.
      • I found this card from Kateri yesterday as I was making two stands in the garage.  It was in the coffee table that Trilla had given us eons ago.  It didn’t hit me hard when I found it… I wasn’t emotionally floored or anything… it just kinda made me feel good. It felt nice to see her handwriting and to think about what was happening at that time (there was a reference because she always dated notes and cards).  It was comforting. It was good to feel the love I have for Kateri take the lead… instead of the sorrow that comes along when you aren’t able to tell someone you love them because the world had other ideas.
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      • I feel like I just need to keep going… keep moving… I haven’t been doing that. I’ve been doing what needs to get done and that’s about it. There’s this lack of motivation which I think is feeding into the whole “not feeling so great” all the time. I’m thinking it’s still part of the whole overwhelming aspect of this life of one.
        • I’m pretty sure I would be a good recluse… who welcomes visitors.
      • I wish I didn’t love my house or have so many attachments to it.  I would sell it in a heartbeat, load up the Jeep, and just start driving. That’s the challenge with living in a cute little schoolhouse as a widower… there’s no way I would ever be able to buy something like this on my own… so I’m not giving it up!… which means no loading up the Jeep… yet. (Hmmm, I wonder if I have lost it in the noggin enough that I would take Lil’ Bitch with me on a 6 month long road trip…? Just me and my chicken!)
      • I bought a new phone!… and miss using my old one.
      • Wow… this seems like a very Eeyore… ish post! Besides being somewhat overwhelmed, somewhat numb, and just kinda blah… life is actually pretty decent.
        • FYI… I can hear my chickens pecking at the paint on the side of my garage. Awe… I’ve got smrt chickens!

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      Posted in grief, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 6 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, thirtydaysofmorning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • 2.66.431… Crap, I don’t know what to call this… “Crying Over a FB Post!”… maybe…?

      Posted at 8:00 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on June 27, 2019

      img_5327I’m just gonna say it… I just lost my shit (the emotional sobbing type) after reading someone’s post on FB. Yup, lost it. Loooosssst…… It. I was just so surprised by what this person had written! It was beautiful! It was powerful! It was posted by someone who was a part of my life in a time when I wore much smaller shoes. (well, not much smaller shoes… but smaller…. I was a kid) The post was touching, I had an attachment to the person… and there was a picture! It had all the makings of a moving moment! And then… then!… I realized it was one of those “copy and paste if you stand for/care for/believe in/proud of/hashtag whatever” things!… and everything changed.

      Now, I need to say thanks to whoever wrote that little note… it was fantastic… but it was kind of a weird experience. I found it amusing that I put soooo much into that post… emotionally… in the beginning. One moment I’m losing my mind thinking about how beautifully my friend had shared their feelings about this or that because it made me think about Kateri… and then the realization came and it all stopped… and I laughed at myself. (memories of the person and her age now, her family, how the words made me think of Kateri, the wonderful picture of this woman and her big ass smile… all played a part in my dramatic reaction… I think)

      Part of it is my lack of social media participation in the whole “copy this” or “play that” scene. The other part is it went from all of that… everything that I had attached to the post… all the nostalgia… to simply words on a screen that someone took the time to copy and paste. Still a moving post… just not the same… for me.

      Just so the record is straight… I love that this person copied/pasted/and participated with this particular post. And the reason the post meant so much to me at first is because of my love for this person and I could see them sharing the wisdom themselves. It was just funny to me how my mind went in one direction… and then abruptly stopped. It just sorta slammed on the brakes so that it could see where it was… and then it realized it was on the good ol’ trusty roller coaster again.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • Michelle helped me plant up Kateri’s pots this last weekend.  It was much more emotional than I expected.  I don’t know why… I mean, I went into Kateri’s Potting Shed to get Kateri’s planter’s and pots so that I could go to Kateri’s work to plant them up so as to put them on our deck… which is now mine. Hmmmm… didn’t see that coming!
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        • I pulled over in front of my house to take the pic of the empty pots in the back of the Jeep… and two cars drove past. I wondered if they thought I was a tourist taking a picture of my house… and then I realized I wasn’t parked in the safest place.
      • Quiche. Friends that make quiche… keep them around… they sometimes give you some.

      Quiche!

      ummm… I’m the one who over cooked it when I was heating it back up

      • I’m still not sleeping. I’m getting about 5-6 hours a night… until Sunday comes around. Not because of anything in particular… just can’t put myself to bed. Sometimes it makes me feel like a kid… staying up. Sometimes I’m doing something that makes me feel good like playing guitar or catching up with a friend. Usually I’m not doing anything except thinking about a million little things… or at least 23 little things… maybe 5 big things… and it’s kind of annoying.
      • I’ve read and heard that the second year of widowhood is harder than the first…. and I don’t know if I agree with that… yet. It’s just different. The shock is wearing off and reality is setting in a bit more. I can somewhat rationally think about things… which can be sorta difficult to deal with.
        • The first year is simply fucked up… but I was also sorta numb through it. The second year (I’m at the start of it), you are able to understand just how fucked up it is as your mind gains a smidgen of clarity.
        • As more hours and days have piled up behind me, at least I don’t have to worry if I remembered to put pants on… I’m usually pretty sure that I did!
      • Yup.

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      Posted in grief, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 2 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, loss, mourning, thirtydaysofmorning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • 2.58.423… Porchin’ it… with a guitar.

      Posted at 7:10 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on June 19, 2019

      e46ff098-a629-426c-964b-57981ac039cdI’ve gotta tell you… I meant to post this Yesterday. I felt good Yesterday. Yesterday was a good day… for no particular reason… just one of those nice, early summer days. Yup, good ol’ Yesterday. Now, Today is good, too. There isn’t really anything I could say that put a damper on Today… no big emotional moments… work was kinda fun… heck, I’m currently on my porch again… while listening to chickens as they scratch about… hopefully eating up all the ticks in the yard! Actually, I’ve had a good couple of days. I’ve been wanting to share some of the “Big Life” questions that I’ve been tackling lately… those that come along with losing your spouse… but I haven’t really had the time that I would want to devote to those topics.

      Sooooo, Yesterday… I figured I would do something quick and make another video. Wasn’t sure what I was gonna blab on about as my shoulder would start to ache while holding my phone at that stupid angle, but I figured it was quicker than writing about “Big Life” questions n shit! And again… there wasn’t anything quick about it. I’m a cook and I have no idea about “formats” or “upload errors” or “bandwidth”… and I don’t even know if “bandwidth” applies to this situation!… but I wasn’t able to “upload” the video until Today… after spending all night trying to force it into my media folder. Which is fun… when you have no idea of what it is you are doing! Long story short… I wanted to do something… which ended up being some ramblin’ and playing a quick little ditty on my guitar… on the porch. (Disclaimer-Another again… I’m a cook.)

      ps… there’s a follow button somewhere around here… and it’s ok if you share… really… unless your momma won’t let ya. (kd)

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      Posted in grief, inspirational, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 9 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, mourning, music, thirtydaysofmorning, videos, widower, widows
    • 2.20.385… Blippidy, Blah, Blah… Sunday… Mother’s Day.

      Posted at 11:42 am by Darren Lidstrom, on May 12, 2019

      IMG_5021(Yup, when I started this post it was NOT Mother’s Day… and now it is) Simply… after the one year mark… things are different… I feel different.  I was gonna go into all the ways “this” has changed… or how “that” has been replaced by “those”, but there will be other times for all that jive. I just felt the need to say that through this experience, every once in a while there is a tangible feeling when a shift takes place.  Kinda of like on the first day I didn’t cry… or when six months hit and I felt like I had a little bit of control over my life… and had to make decisions for myself.  Although there is no destination, there’s this tedious little march going on that keeps pushing me forward and with every step, I overanalyze it… and then adapt to make the next step.

      As I have flubbed my way through this, there are times that I just feel lighter.  Sometimes it’s happens when I come to a realization of something that has been weighing down my brain. Sometimes it was just getting through a holiday or birthday or our anniversary. For right now… for today… I attribute my “I simply feel a little better!” state of mind to two main things… getting past a date… and a text saying, “GOOD, GOOD NEWS!!!!”.

      Now, there are actually a gazillion little things I believe that contribute to noticeably feeling a little better… i.e. getting most of the yard raked, not needing to build a fire every night, rearranging the living room, meeting new people from all walks of life… in my new life, SPRING!!, the fact that I’m still on top of sh… stuff, that I haven’t acquired some strange illness that causes a baby’s hand… and arm… to grow out of the top of my head! (although… could be useful) Yup, there are a bunch of things that come into play, but currently it’s the continuous passage of Time during my tedious little march that helps me get through certain checkpoints. For me, hitting the one year mark without Kateri felt like I was just gently pushed into a new chapter of life. Of course, it might just be a new paragraph, but might as well use the universally accepted homogenized term to reference a point in the story line. Hopefully it’s a long story… and as long as there are more pages to turn… I don’t really care what chapter or paragraph I’m on!

      The text… “GOOD, GOOD NEWS!!!!”… came from my father… and he wasn’t lying. We found out that my mother had cancer (lung cancer that had also traveled to her brain) 4 or five months before we found the sh… stuff (really trying not to cuss!) in Kateri’s head.  For me, it has been quite the experience having to process and accept that the two most important people in my life were handed the cancer card…. and cancer is a fucked up thing. Once you live with cancer in your world, you begin to see not only how prevelant and inconsistant the disease is, but also how many people it simply affects.  It’s a strange trip.  When I got the phone call that they had found something in my mom’s lung… I was devastated.  When it hit Kateri… and then she died… well, I didn’t think about what was worse than “Devastated”, but I felt it. Luckily… time does help.

      Sometimes, you just have to hold on for a while and let the time pass.IMG_5004 If you do, sometimes the big pile of shit get’s a couple of shovel loads taken out of it by three simple words… written in all caps… with exclamation marks. Sometimes… “GOOD, GOOD NEWS!!!!” pertains to the best news you’ve heard in a year and 19 days… at least for me. What’s the “GOOD, GOOD NEWS!!!!” you ask? The docs could no longer see any tumors in my mom’s brain!… yup, and we’ll take it!

      Honestly, it’s been one of those roller coaster months, but for now I’m just gonna allow the “GOOD, GOOD NEWS!!!!” to stick around for a while and give me another thing to smile about. Today is Mother’s Day…. and I feel fortunate that when I’m done here I have the opportunity to pick up the phone… and talk to my mom… because I love her. (yes… I’m a momma’s boy.  When I was a kid, I remember crying after a swim lesson… not because I was afraid of water or got it up my nose or anything, but since I was having so much fun in the water… I forgot about my mom… and I didn’t like that.) There’s a lot of crap out there, but the good is hangin’ around, too. Sometimes it’s so good… you have to say it twice.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • A commercial with LL Cool J came on last night talking about how his wife “Beat Cancer Like a Boss”.  I think it’s great that she is an ambassador for the American Cancer Society and for the positive message of facing adversity with a positive outlook, but it just kinda hit me strange and it’s been swirling around in my brain.  At first, I was like “Well, Kateri dealt with this experience with strength, courage, empathy, grace, and love. She never even took anything for the pain besides weed. She still supported other people. She still lived life and tried to control what she could… and what she thought she could.  But… she still died.” Last night, I took the commercial as saying that if you try hard and have positive thoughts… you can beat cancer… and I don’t fully subscribe to that train of thought. Thinking more on it and actually looking into it a bit… I saw the commercial in a different light… and realized that that’s not what the commercial was saying. Cancer does what it wants… and it doesn’t give a hoot who you are or how much you wanna beat it. Yup, cancer kills…. but the message is more about how are we gonna live with it… that’s what we have control over… and I’m glad LL (we’re not really on a first name basis) still has his wife… and that on Mother’s Day, their children still have their mom.
        • I think there is some “bitterness” in my brain about this whole experience which makes me initially look at things from certain angles…. which aren’t always completely accurate.
      • Although I feel sorta “better”… this is still an overwhelming experience… life is complicated.
      • I bought a toilet brush for the upstairs bathroom.  That may not seem like a big deal, but it is. I’m starting to bring things into my home… for my life.
      • I raked the paths on our land yesterday (6.5 acres). Although Kateri sorta laughed at me the first time I did it… she still enjoyed walking on them! Nowadays with Kateri gone, I sorta feel like the crazy ol’ widower on the hill raking the woods!… the beard, John Deere hat, and rubber boots don’t help that image.

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      • To all you mothers out there… the ones who are supportive, encouraging, and present… thank you. Having a kid gives you responsibility. Loving and nurturing that child… for the rest of your life… makes you a mom.

       

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      Posted in cancer, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 5 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, LL Cool J, loss, mother's day, mourning, thirtydaysofmorning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 365… It’s been a year.

      Posted at 10:34 am by Darren Lidstrom, on April 22, 2019

      img_4883-1It’s 7:35 in the morning… I’ve been up for about 47 minutes… and I don’t know what the fuck to say. I do know that the first text of the day came in a bit ago… and I’ve been crying those good ol’ crocodile tears ever since. Although I don’t really care if people see or hear me being emotional, I am sorta glad that I don’t have people walking past my house on their way to work or school hearing me as I sob uncontrollably while making odd noises through my mouth because my nose is so plugged up with snot! Kateri always said, “Trees make better neighbors!”… and right now I’m glad they are the ones right outside my window listening to me cope and come to terms with the fact that I haven’t been able to hear her laugh, hold her hand while walking down the dirt road, or kiss her goodnight… like I did every… single… night. It has been a year since Kateri has not been on this earth. For 365 days I have come home to an empty house filled with memories of a life that life decided to take away from me… from all of us. It hurts. It’s painful. It’s something I don’t want… but it’s what I’ve got… and I’m glad life didn’t take away the memories.

      img_4888In the winter of 1998/99… December… Wyoming… I watched Kateri walk from The Chalet (female employee housing) down to the lodge, from the window of The Stables (male employee housing). She had on her blue snow pants, her white winter coat with the god awful neon patch work, and her funky hat from Nepal or some place (I should remember where she got it… she told me… it’s just not coming to me!) keeping her head warm. Kateri would sometimes tilt her head as she walked. I found the image to be calming.  We didn’t really know each other at the time… we had just met. At the time, there weren’t any romantic inclining’s yet… she was just someone I found to be interesting.  She was unique.  There was something different about her. Thankfully, we got along and became friends!img_4891

      Twenty years later, I love the fact that the image of Kateri strolling through the snow is still clear as day in my mind… and that it was just the beginning of her filling my life with friendship, purpose, guidance, and love. It has been the surprise of my life watching this young twenty something woman from the east coast walking through the snow turn into the most important thing that ever came into my world. I am grateful and lucky that I am the one who got to spend the rest of Kateri’s life with her… I am fortunate in that way… I just wish she didn’t have to leave.

      img_4887For the last 365 days… and for the four months and three days before that… I have been consumed with either the experience of watching and being a part of cancer ravish Kateri’s body and brain, the loss of Kateri, or trying to figure out how to survive without her.  It’s been a struggle. I don’t eat, I find it a challenge to put myself to bed, I’m stressed out worrying about my future, my job, my home. I’m sad, I’m confused, and I hurt… this process physically hurts… but I’m here. I’m here surrounded by the memories that Kateri and I made with each other as we built our life together. She gave me twenty years of memories to draw upon when I feel the need to be close to her. She filled our home with relics which are attached to experiences over those twenty years which I can hold in my hand, I can feel, I can smell… I can touch. Kateri will always be with me… a part of me.  That’s just what happens.  This last year has sucked balls, but the great things that Kateri brought into this world… into my world… are still here… even if she isn’t. That is how we hold on… to the people we love more than ourselves. That is how I hold on to Kateri… because I miss her… I love her… and I always will.

      ps… the video is kinda dark, but it did happen to be night time… and we were just sitting in our driveway.  This is simply a minute and 18 seconds of Kateri being Kateri. Yup, sometimes she just had to finish out a song! (love ya Nina)

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      Posted in anniversary, cancer, grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, videos, Widow, widower | 8 Comments | Tagged anniversary, cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, thirtydaysofmorning, videos, widower, widows
    • Widower Day 364… Easter… and a video from the last one.

      Posted at 11:40 am by Darren Lidstrom, on April 21, 2019

      Although Kateri called herself a “Recovering Catholic”… she still loved the holidays and Easter was no exception.  It didn’t matter if we were home or happened to be away in some dumpyish hotel near the ocean, visiting friends back in The Rockies, or with family anywhere… there was always an Easter Basket in the morning.  I’ve got to mention that Kateri loved baskets, and if there was a holiday where she could make someone happy by putting little gifts and candy in a basket… she was all over it!  The gravy being she got to keep the baskets afterwards!

      Sorry, just gotta detour for a sec because one of Kateri’s favorite Easter events IN THE WORLD! just popped into my head. We have a couple of friends who throw an Adult Easter Egg Hunt! Now, first of all, Kateri loved these two people.  (The husband was actually the nurse who was there when they had to tip her upside down to put an IV in her neck when her kidneys failed in 2004… after our trip to the Dominican. It was a scary time and she was so thankful that someone she knew was taking care of her… and that it was him. He had ever since held a special place in her heart). Anyways, these guys have some land in the hills and invite friends over for an evening/night of festivities. You see… the Easter Egg hunt happens once it get’s dark!… At night!… with flashlights n shit!… on a few acres in rural Vermont consisting of yard, woods, creek, pond, fields, barns, and culverts! It was probably one of our favorite experiences ever… I mean, at least in the top 250… there are a lot to choose from, but it’s up there!

      It was hilarious. I think about 50 of us… ish… packed into the kitchen and living room of their little old farmhouse and waited for two things. 1. For it to get dark and 2. For John to come back from hiding the prize which would provide us with a “winner” of the hunt… The Black Egg.  Actually it was shaped liked a kidney, but it did the job. It was obviously the best color for an Adult Easter Egg Hunt at night… and it was able to hold the prize of a couple hundred bucks for the winner!

      It was nice for everyone to catch up in that time, to meet new people, to share stories… but once John came back!… it was on!… in the most polite, friendly, and supportive way an Adult Easter Egg Hunt could go! The fact that it was in the dark just killed Kateri and I! They would literally walk into the yard… drop eggs… and not find them till the next morning. You could see headlamps pointed straight down scouring fence lines, woods, around out buildings… and in them. You could hear the giggles of grown ups as they found and opened eggs filled with candy, lottery tickets, and booze. There was outright laughter echoing in the darkness as people tromped through the creek and slipped on the slick rocks. The year we participated, The Black Egg was inside… INSIDE… the 6 foot culvert running beneath the dirt road! It was simply one of those fun things in life that take you by surprise when you realize just how good of an idea it is… that everything about it is fun! Basically, it’s a night filled with good people who are simply trying to find money in a black kidney… in the dark… while drunk and stoned. (yes, it’s also fun sober… just not as fun… or challenging)

      IMG_2316Last year, Easter fell on the 1st.  It was actually three weeks before Kateri passed.  It’s weird to think about… she wasn’t in Palliative Care yet.  Heck, we hadn’t even received the bad news of no more options yet. Maria had just gotten to our house the day or two before… I think.  She came to help… and to be with her sister. It was the three of us for the last three weeks of Kateri’s life… going through it… together. I am forever grateful to Maria for being here for many reasons, but it really comes down to the fact that I think Kateri needed her to be here.  Kateri needed Maria to be with her as she was preparing to leave this earth… she needed her help… her support… her love.  And Maria… needed to be with Kateri.

      It’s because of Maria that I have this video taken last Easter after we had spent the morning drinking coffee and going through our Easter Baskets (Kateri got me a tent… that’s a whole nother story).IMG_2319 I didn’t remember the video when I stumbled upon it trying to clear space on my phone, so it sorta caught me by surprise.  It’s hard for me to see Kateri in the “Cancer Time” and it’s quick, but it’s Kateri… through and through… in a space she loved… with people she loved.

      If you are into Easter, Jesus, and all that jive… I hope you have a good one!  If not… well… Happy Sunday!

       

      Yo… and if ya want… hit the follow button!

       

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      Posted in cancer, Easter, grief, loss, Uncategorized, videos, Widow, widower | 7 Comments | Tagged cancer, Easter, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, thirtydaysofmorning, video, widower, widows
    • Widower Day 357… Chickens Running… in slow motion!

      Posted at 12:38 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on April 14, 2019

      img_4828This is kinda one of those “spur of the moment” posts.  It’s cloudy and a bit chilly…. with large patches of snow adding to the coolness of the image out the ol’ schoolhouse windows. I’m still in comfy clothes… from last night… because I fell asleep on the couch after watching the first scary movie… alone… in said schoolhouse… since Kateri passed away (“The Silence”. At least it wasn’t a ghost/paranormal/psychological sorta movie. And… I survived!). I actually woke up at 6 something, but was comfortable enough and warm enough, so I just decided to stay horizontal… till 9:13!… (a.m.)… and not trudge upstairs.  It’s been one of those slow moving/Tupelo Honey on the radio types of mornings… and it feels good.  The coffee tastes nice, dark, and strong… and I’ve already gotten to have a nice visit with a friend from down the road. I even got to pull out power tools!… and use them in my front yard while still in those comfy clothes… with the addition of rubber boots! It was literally just replacing a couple of straps… but some people… well I… will take any opportunity to fix something using tools.

      Basically, I’ve enjoyed the morning. I’ve actually enjoyed the last couple of days. Last night, when I got home, I let the chickens out so that they could stretch their legs and remember what scratching in the grass and leaves from last fall feels like. I also learned that we all have a little slow motion option on our phones!… yup. As I’m going through life learning about what makes me happy,  what doesn’t, and everything in between… I thought, “A slow motion video of Lil’ Bitch, Chicken, Chicken, and Chicken running to me might make me happy?!… and it did. Soooo…..

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      Posted in cancer, grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, videos, Widow, widower | 9 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, mourning, sunday morning, thirtydaysofmorning, video, widower, widows
    • Widower Day 355… Rememberin’…?

      Posted at 11:13 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on April 12, 2019

      img_4802I had told myself… and I guess the digital world… that I wanted to take these next two weeks (the last two of the first year without Kateri) to mourn the loss of my wife.  The other day, at the end of a conversation with a friend, he asked me, “What does that mean to you?”…. and I realized… I have no fucking idea! But I figure rememberin’ has somethin’ to do with it so that’s what I’m gonna do a little of and see how it goes. I mean… we’ll see… it took me three days, 2 baths, a pint of Ben n Jerry’s, two hours and 23 minutes of Aquaman, and 13 packages of pills (Smarties) to get through 8 photos! (yup, the kind you can hold in your hand)

      Yesterday… a year ago… Kateri went into Palliative care after we spent all night in the ER (except for an early morning run home with Maria so we could grab… something?… don’t really remember). I’m not gonna talk about seeing her doc in the morning, before the hospital was humming… when I could see the sorrow in his eyes as he went over options of drilling holes in Kateri’s head to relieve some pressure. I’m not gonna get into how I kicked the wooden box out of frustration because Kateri said, “We… can’t do this anymore.”… a box I walk by every morning and every night… splintered wood that reminds me of the time I wasn’t willing to give up hope… I wasn’t willing to accept it… but my wife… Kateri, couldn’t take the pain any longer. I’m not gonna talk about that because… as awful as those sound… I thought I still had time.

      A year ago yesterday, I sat on a couch.  Across the room from me was my wife, my best friend, the love of my life… Kateri. It was quiet… calm. Kateri was asleep… well, drugged… but finally some relief for her. Keith was on one side of me… Michelle on the other.img_4807  Each with an arm wrapped around my shoulders… a hand on my leg… one on across my chest.  I remember them just holding me as I was processing what was going on… while they were processing what was going on… and I just remember saying to Keith… “This is it. We’re here for a reason…. right?… this is it?”… and all he had to say was, “Yes.”

      What does “mourning” mean to me?  I guess it’s remembering picnics with bologna sandwiches (bologna was not a part of our normal diet) in the back of Cherokees… in the middle of Iowa while a thunderstorm is wreaking havoc across an empty campground.  It’s remembering Kateri saying, “Fear the poke!” as she would flex her index finger to show off her second digit muscle. It’s remembering that Kateri was the most loving, thoughtful, honest… sometimes brutally honest, and simply the most beautiful person I have ever been fortunate enough to meet, to be friends with, and to share my life with (of course, she’s basically the only one I’ve shared my life with!).  It’s remembering sitting on that couch being comforted by friends I love. It’s remembering walking over to my wife to hold her… crying… knowing she was going to die… knowing… Kateri was going to die… soon. It’s remembering a time… when she was alive.

      (before anyone says anything about her always being around, will never truly be gone, she’s in the wind and yada, yada, yada type stuff… I get it… I’m not talking about that stuff)

      It’s been nice going through some old pics, but really it’s not the time.  It’s hard, but the memories of Palliative Care are really what are consuming my thoughts right now… and I’m OK with that.  That’s what was going on a year ago. I feel it’s only natural that they would still be ever present in the ol’ noggin around the first anniversary. And quite frankly, I believe it was probably the most intimate experience Kateri and I had together so I’ll just roll with it.  Being with the person you love more than yourself when they are in pain, when they are sick, when they are told there is nothing that can be done to save their life… and them looking to you for comfort… them looking to their husband… looking to the love of their life… well, that’s when life shows you a bit more of what love is.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • On a happier note… the chickens looked really happy standing on wet, soggy grass.4-11-2019 There’s a strip between the coop and the house… which I was excited about… and then the chickens crapped all over it! (At least they looked happy!)
      • No… I’m not one of the guys in the first picture, but when Kateri was around 24… ish… she had a deal with one of them to help her become a mom if she was still single and childless by the time she was 40.  The day Kateri passed, that guy arrived on the east coast early in the morning… from Alaska. I love that guy… and just realized he’s basically “our” oldest friend.  The three of us met in Wyoming… 1998. He was there at the very beginning of mine and Kateri’s relationship… and standing with me hours after she took her last breath… he was there with us at the very end.  The memories I have that involve this man mean the world to me… and I’m glad he didn’t impregnate my wife!

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      Posted in cancer, grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 2 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, thefirstthirty, thirtydaysofmorning, threfirstthirtydays, widower, widows
    • Widower Day 351… 15… I’m learning how to cope.

      Posted at 10:46 am by Darren Lidstrom, on April 8, 2019

      IMG_2817It hit me last night… I’m trying to jam “healing” into a time frame and attaching it to all sorts of things.  This is one reason I’m thankful I decided to use writing, to start a blog, as a tool for myself as I go through this process.  Recently, my plan was to just get all those things that I associate with “widower” stuff on the blog by the one year anniversary of Kateri’s passing.  I wanted it all there… consolidated… organized… so that I could start year 2 with a fresh and brighter outlook, but I can’t do it. Tomorrow is the anniversary of one of the roughest days of my life… the day we found out there were no other options (two immunotherapy treatments which had two drugs at each treatment… along with one radiation session… did absolutely nothing). The day after that is the ER.  The day after that… Palliative Care.

      I need to remember those times without trying to pile on what I was going through after she had passed. I mentioned that I need to take the next couple of weeks and mourn the loss of Kateri, to remember her, and this experience.  I just can’t do that while posting and thinking about the time right after she passed. It’s just too much… and it takes away from the uniqueness of each experience. I feel it would diminish them… to just notes about an experience.  Writing and this blog has shown me that.

      Soooo, after reading my notes from Day 15, I thought it was fitting to pause the “Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning” notes here (I’ll still be posting other things) until after the 22nd, and to remember not only the last two weeks of Kateri’s life… but the 44 other years we were all so lucky and thankful to have her in our lives. For me, I just want to remember the last 20 years… my life with Kateri… and not the life without her.

      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 15… woke up at 8:00am… got out of bed at 8:45… just needed to be horizontal a little longer.

      As I get ready to go back to work, I decided to shoot the entire company (for some reason) an email to show my gratitude. This is what I sent out.

      Good Morning Everyone,
      As I try to reintegrate back into life I was going to write to my crew, to my peeps, to our department, to say “Thanks!” for supporting me and for picking up my slack over the last however long when I realized that I needed to thank everyone who makes up this company. What I just went through (and am still going through) requires support from all sorts of different angles, from all sorts of people who are in my life in varying degrees. I don’t know most of you and I’m sure most of you don’t know me, but we have KA that connects us and right now those connections are helping me as I try to navigate, cope with, and live with this new life that was thrust upon me. My wife, Kateri Marie Damato, died 2 weeks ago after a four month and three-day dance (she considered it a dance… not a battle, not a fight… although she fought hard) with Metastatic Malignant Melanoma in the brain at the age of 44. She had a rare mutation in the disease that was just absolutely brutal to her body. She faced it head on and with that “Kateri” approach to life. She never asked for a prognosis, never took narcotics for the pain because they disgusted her, she never said the “woe is me” type stuff, she never stopped living her life or being who she is when faced with an obstacle that would have left most of us destroyed on the floor and unable to function because of the weight of it. This has been the absolute worst thing that has happened to me in my life so far. I have never felt so saddened, so scared, so sorry for someone else. I have never felt so many different emotions, so much pain while… numb at the same time. It is a strange thing to go through losing a spouse, a partner. Two weeks ago, I went from traveling through this life and all that it brings (a home, experiences, travel, friends, moments, chickens) with someone who I planned on being old and wrinkly with… to instant independence and all the challenges that that brings emotionally, physically, and financially. To say the least, it has been a bit much.

      The point of this email is not to list all the horrible things that come along with a big pile of shit like this, but to shed light on the amount of beauty that I have seen while going through this experience. The amount of love and support from friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances, and strangers has been simply overwhelming. The conversations, the phone calls, the texts, the emails from all sorts of people in our life from all sorts of places has made some of this bearable and the rest of it not quite as daunting. Life doesn’t stop for any of us roaming this planet, but sometimes we need to stop and say “thank you”. I thank everyone for giving me time to be with my wife as she lived with cancer, to care for her when it got rough, and for the time to initially cope with my life after it had taken her’s. I thank you for providing me with the memory of being treated as a person, not an employee, in a time of adversity. I thank you for the opportunity to look back at this and say, “Ummm, that went as well as it possibly could… for a big pile of shit”.

      I am just one person within this company and I know we all have a different experience with it, but I felt the need to share part of my experience with all of you because it has been a positive one… and this is what it’s all about. We are a company made up of people who are all just living life… it’s as simple as that. I look forward to using some of my new-found time to get to know some of you a little more. You can check out my FB page if you want a fuller story of our life recently and in years past (I’m cool with friend requests at this time… filling voids n such), and I’ll check out yours. If not, that’s cool and groovy… we don’t all need to be friends. More importantly, please just be kind to one another, respect each other for being here, and support the people who you are surrounded by every day because that is the way life should be lived, that is the way people should be treated, and that is the experience that you have given me.
      Regards,
      Darren

      a. I’ve gotten some replies already and they make me feel hesitantly better.

      Called Consolidated

      a. Paid the bill, my name is nowhere on the account, they transferred me to CS… got sick of waiting and have to wait for death certificates anyways.
      b. Haven’t gotten death certificates yet… kind of annoying, but not really. Doesn’t really matter at this point… I’ll get them at some point.

      Set up the new phone.

      a. Kind of a fun little new thing. I like that it is black like the router… sorta blends in, doesn’t stand our as much as the white.

      Keith came over and we chatted on the front deck for a bit (left at 3:30ish).

      a. The sun was nice. Had to open up the umbrella.
      b. First time I hade cried in a bit. It feels good to be able to cry when he visits, I’m finding I get more emotional when other people are around
      c. He’s gonna start working 5 days a week…

      Drove up to Burlington for Penny Cluse’s 20th Anniversary. It was something that is uncomfortable for me… social situations… alone, but I wanted to congratulate Charles and Holly and say thank you for being a part of my life. It is still one of my favorite restaurants and I hold Charles in such high regard as a cook/restaurateur

      a. Didi and Nick pulled up besides me as I was texting with my dad about places to stay when they come out.
      b. I felt awkward about going in, but I felt pretty secure with my actions… I knew I needed to go in and I knew that I really did want to see people. (It didn’t feel weird)
      c. People I saw: Didi, Nick/John, Charles, Holly, Tracy, Stasia, Dan Marshall, Moira/Joe, Andy, Carlton, Juan, Sabra, Betzida?, Ruslan/Emily, Dale, James, Clarence/Sandy, Jake/Kristen, Gardner, Sipha,….
      d. Stayed longer than expected, but was gonna roll with it anyways. I’m glad I stayed as along as I did to see the people I did and to have the conversations I had.

      Drove home, talked to my folks about some Freedom Farm house (looked it up when I got home… hopefully they can book it).

      a. I had to just get off the phone with them considering my father kept running downstairs to the computer to get information on it… I was trying to get home… and it was late already, but that is what makes it interesting and entertaining.

      Read cards from Leo and Heidi, and Nancy D.

      Went to bed at 2:10am…. First day of work tomorrow. Another first day of my new life… more Dr. Phil moments to come.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • If you have lost a spouse, if you are going through any type of traumatic experience, take care of yourself.  If you don’t know how?… you’ll figure it out… and there are people to help you along the way.
      • I love how this little website gives me information.  I saw people were searching for “Kateri Lidstrom”… she didn’t take my name!Axeless Mountain Dwarf 4/8/ We were progressive n shit. (Actually, we didn’t like the idea of changing her name… Kateri Lidstrom wasn’t who she was… and it sounded stupid)
      • Yup… just looked down at myself and it made me kinda laugh. A friend once referred to me as an Axeless Mountain Dwarf… I guess this is what one looks like in the morning!

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      Posted in anniversary, cancer, grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 2 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, thefirstthirty, thirtydaysofmorning, threfirstthirtydays, widower, widows
    • Widower Day 349… on 350… cuz I fell asleep writing about 17.

      Posted at 7:45 am by Darren Lidstrom, on April 7, 2019

      img_4764.jpgI was gonna write about all sorts of stuff… but then I read how long this thing was and decided against it… because I can do that. Looking back on this day (and I remember it clearly)… is just kinda weird. I remember wanting to be strong and positive.  I probably overcompensated on the positivity, but I needed to at the time…… And then I fell asleep on the couch (seems to be a theme). Yup.

      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 17…. Woke up at 7:25, stayed in bed until 7:37am

      Day number 2 of work:

      Started at Camelot.

      a. Went through emails. Never suited up, stayed in 501’s/Cedar Circle Hoodie/Green John Deere hat.
      b. Talked with people. Angela (might be going to Sheboygan), bakery Jim, Lindsay, Tony (from Jersey).
      c. Put Trampoline in Jessica’s car and saw Karen, Suzanne, Ralph, Brock sitting on the picnic table, they came over to see how I was doing.
      d. I did try to hit the major points of this experience and what my approach currently is towards the challenges that I’m about to deal with. I feel as though they were impressed with how I am dealing/coping with everything.
      e. It felt nice that they took the time… the “Big Wigs”. I am/feel fortunate to work for this place. It is filled with people who are being sooo supportive of me as I go through this.

      Went to A-St.

      a. Eric, Gil and I went through the schedule for the summer to look at coverage.
      b. Happens every year… the question of what to do with staff and how to reduce labor when Baker closes.

      Went to that new building.

      a. Spoke with Chantelle about insurance. She was awesome. Might leave me at Silver… why not, I’ve definitely hit the out of pocket maximum.
      b. Barb came out and we chatted for a bit. It was nice to talk with her, she has been great through this… both supportive and responsible.
      c. Gave Suzanne another hug and Ceal came through.

      Went back to Camelot.

      a. Hung out in the front for a minute.
      b. Talked with Michelle… she’s just so nice
      c. Had a conversation with J. He just became a US citizen (don’t know where he is from), but he said it was an amazing experience. He loved the diversity of the group that was there for the ceremony.

      Called Knights’s funeral home from the park n ride in Thetford. Rich said they are gonna get some more death certificates and just mail them to me.

      a. When I got home, there was a message from Stuart saying they were still waiting for the Williston PO to send them back. I felt bad calling them before I had heard that message, but it’s been over two weeks and I am ready to have the certificates in my possession so that I can take care of some stuff.

      Went to the store. Was gonna pick up some hot dogs, but on the way there Michelle texted asking if I wanted to come over for dinner and have hot dogs!

      a. I didn’t get much stuff, still not in a routine of meals and I don’t wanna throw shit away or spend money just to throw something away.

      Came home and washed the jeep. It’s kinds fun washing your own car in your own driveway. It’s probably a strange sight in WFC, also.

      a. Went to clear spam from Kateri’s email and saw the one from Kit again so I clicked on it. He had sent it (titled Thinking of you) on the morning of her passing at 10:57am. In it was a few pictures and a link to a video of me proposing to her at Mcguckin’s (Love in a hardware store).
      b. I watched the video… it was rough, but I watched the whole thing. It just brought up so many memories and feelings.
      c. It made me really miss her touch. I miss the feeling of her arm, her skin, her hair. I sat on the pink box (which is now purple) and cried for a bit. I went out and sat on the porch and just had that “missing her” feeling… it was overwhelming. All I wanted to do was to feel her again… and I know I never will.

      When I was about to leave for Keith and Michelle’s, Michelle from Ptown messaged me thanking me for my message.

      a. It felt good that she reached out. I really dug her, and it was my first experience meeting someone new… albeit, she was a bartender and working.
      b. The conversation was just so easy and nice and she was so welcoming that I needed to thank her.
      c. I kinda hope she stays in contact… I think it could be fun to see where that relationship goes (she is a lesbian with a girlfriend, so I don’t mean in any sexual way). I’m guessing this is what it’s like to meet friends and foster those relationships… or not.

      Went to Keith and Michelle’s.

      a. Hung out with just Michelle for a bit. It was nice.
      b. She asked about “bartender Michelle” … that’s when I informed her that she was a lesbian, yada, yada, yada.
      c. On the back deck I got emotional when talking about the challenges ahead of me. It’s nice to have them in my life. They provide me with a level of comfort that I just don’t get anywhere else.
      d. Keith came home towards the end of my tear factory. He looked like he should be on a college campus with his button up short sleeve shirt, shorts, and name tag.

      Came home. Closed up chickens. Heard a deer fawn in the woods somewhere to the north. They have that distinctive little whine/cry/noise. I didn’t go investigate, but it reminds me of Starksboro when we heard a mom giving birth and East Thetford when there were two in/around Sarah’s arena and by the gator.

      a. Played a little guitar. It’s nice that my fingers aren’t hurting quite as much now that I’ve been playing more. It doesn’t help with the going to bed part though… It’s been nice being able to pick it up whenever… which just happens to be late night most of the time.
      b. Watched a little Netflix… honestly, don’t remember what I watched (I am writing this the morning after because I fell asleep on the couch).
      c. Texted with Matty for a minute. He was asking about places to stay. It wasn’t until the morning that I realized he should just stay here… or at least be given the option.
      d. Smoked copious amounts of weed trying to get me to go to bed… but over did it and crashed on the couch.
      e. It has been kind of nice not worrying about falling asleep on the couch when I don’t have to get up the next day. It doesn’t bother me… I’m still getting sleep… and it reminds me how I would always tell Kateri, “I don’t mind sleeping on the couch… it’s like camping!” I heard that as part of a joke from some comedian years and years ago… sorry dude, don’t remember who.
      f. Ate some Cheetos and a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups because I had them. I feel guilty eating that shit, but I get enjoyment out of it also because I never really have had them in the house… at least the Cheetos… but I need to stop eating the crap.

      I feel as though this was the first day that I have felt that “serious sadness” that is gonna be coming. Right now, it’s all still pretty raw, but when I had that feeling of just wanting to touch her, to hold her, to feel her hair in between my fingers I knew that a shift was starting to happen in the way I have been dealing with all of this.

      And yup….. fell asleep on the couch… at some point.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I don’t like that I fell asleep and didn’t post this last night…. makes me feel like I’m slacking.  I also didn’t realize how much of a challenge posting the first thirty days of notes… in thirty days… would be. Sometimes I wish I could spend more time on them… like this one… but it’s still kind of a fun thing and I think it’ll be worth it in the end either way.
      • I do like that I got to sit on the front porch for a bit for the first time this year!… I love sitting on the porch.

       

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      Posted in grief, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 2 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, thefirstthirty, thirtydaysofmorning, threfirstthirtydays, widower, widows
    • Widower Day 347… 19… A Good “meh” Day.

      Posted at 5:56 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on April 4, 2019

      Kateri Apple Picking! Early 2000's?.. 03ish?All I wanna say is… I really enjoyed reading through these notes… looking back on this one day.  At the time, the day itself was just kinda meh…  and I’m sure I was just floating around in a daze. But reading what I was thinking about and recognizing the mood I was in as I wrote down ideas… as I was first trying to figure out what it was that I was gonna do in my life… to survive (because that’s what it feels like)… it felt good. Instant gratification. A talk with a friend. Looking for good in… whatever. Saying, “Fuck it”… and doing whatever it was that I felt I needed to do to feel better.

      I remember this day. I like this day. It was an ok day with lasting ramifications. As a widower, I have to deal with balancing this new life with the old.  It’s hard to have to sometimes push Kateri aside just so that I can get through a day. Shitty way to put it, but bill collectors don’t care that your wife died and I can’t cry all day at work… or at the store… or at the dentist… or hole up in my little schoolhouse wearing comfy clothes with a year’s supply of ice cream (in convenient pint sized servings).Crater's of the Moon!  I like these notes because I can see a little bit of both chapters of my life in them and it was a “typical” day for me.

      Lastly, it’s just really cool to be able to look back on my own experience and see myself doing OK… that I was challenging my norms… that I was living my life… and… missing ours. Sometimes flinging shit against a wall pays off.

      There… that’s all I wanna say.

      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 19…woke up at 7:20ish

      Tried putting down as much notes as I could remember quickly about yesterday because I fell asleep in the chair. Yesterday was just one of those days. Wasn’t very motivated to write shit down.

      Went to work today. Got there just before 9:00am.

      a. Chatted with Eric for a bit. Did pars, plugged in Ian’s requests, told him we didn’t have coverage for one of the days… life doesn’t work out sometimes… he was cool.
      b. Annie got me by the front doors and said how she just felt like… she knew Kateri and I were soul mates. (sometimes I feel like that isn’t a fair term for the living. Grim future type stuff)
      c. Work…. Well, it’s work. I enjoy it and I’m excited to get back into it, but I’m just not there yet. I’m pretty much going through the motions. I may jump in the kitchen tomorrow… but I haven’t yet.

      Left work around 1:00pm… I’m sticking to the four-hour day for this week. To be honest, I’m not really looking forward to full days next week, but I’ve gotta get into it.

      a. Came home to get gas can. Got it and went to Farmway to see if they had any shoes for work… they didn’t. Mainly it was because I’ve got tiny feet and they didn’t have any 7.5’s in clogs or “dress shoes”. It didn’t really surprise me… that’s part of being small! (needed a little excitement).
      b. Mowed the yard. It felt good. Mowing the lawn is one of those instant gratification type things. It felt good to get the leaves out of there… to see mainly green. It neatens things up. I’m gonna try a new pattern in the back yard on the hill… it’s a bitch to mow and I don’t feel like dealing with it this year.
      c. Gave Rob a call… left a message. I feel weird not connecting with him yet… we’re not tight, but he means a lot to myself and he was something special to Kateri. She was just so proud of him and impressed with him. He held a special place in her heart.
      d. MPH called while I was taking a dump. I rushed and wiped because, I thought it was Rob returning my call… it wasn’t. We talked for almost an hour. It was nice to catch up with him. I’m really liking keeping in touch with people. It also feels good to have friends check up on me and then tell me they think I’m handling things pretty well. It was also nice just meandering around outside while chatting on the phone with a friend.
      e. Took a shower (because I was disgusting from mowing… fucking dust and leaves) and ordered a pizza and tiramisu from Colatina Exit. Ordered an All the Way (supreme, deluxe, everything… whatever you wanna call it). That’s one of those things that brings me a little joy… the fact that I can order a pizza with a whole bunch of toppings… like mushrooms and bell peppers.
      f. Went and got the pizza.

      When I got home I decided to play a little guitar before I ate.

      a. Decided to try and record what I was playing. Figured why not, there’s the technology… it might help me improve if I could hear what I was playing.
      b. Then…. THEN, I started talking to the camera and I realized that it helped me, it was some sort of release, some sort of coping mechanism since I don’t have anyone to talk to at home anymore. It felt good and exhilarating.
      c. Recorded three videos. Different degrees of breaking down between the three of them. Might do a fourth and think about posting it.
      d. It made me think about doing a bloggy type thing or just using Facebook about what it’s like to go through this process. I think I would have to start tomorrow, though. I would want people to see as much as possible of this figuring it our shit.
      e. I’m hoping that other people dealing with/coping with shit would get some sort of strength from seeing that someone else is dealing with shit, too.

      Ate pizza and watched some Altered Carbon. I don’t know what’s going on, I haven’t been paying attention, but it’s science fictiony and it’s something on while I putz.

      Decided to go to bed at midnight. Then decided that I should play some Mappy… so now it’s 1:22am. That’s part of the whole Instant Independence… I can play a game of Mappy at midnight and go to bed afterwards!… and then be annoyed with myself that I played a game of Mappy and it’s 1:23am.

      Goodnight.

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      Posted in grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, Widow, widower | 4 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, thefirstthirty, thirtydaysofmorning, threfirstthirtydays, widower, widows
    • Widower Day 346… I need to see a chicken run… 20.

      Posted at 10:34 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on April 3, 2019

      I’ve been doing things for the past 346 days just to try and feel better… maybe to push a bit of the pile of shit off to the side for a while… to hide it. In 19 days it will be the anniversary of Kateri’s passing.  It’s 8 days until she went into Palliative Care… 6 days until we found out there were no more options… or chances of her beating this thing.  Her dance was gonna end… soon.  I remember I even tried to prepare myself for what I knew was coming… but it was sooner than I expected.  Decades sooner than I wanted. And simply… too soon.

      FullSizeRender - CopyFor 346 days I have been filling time with projects, with work, tidying, cleaning, organizing, removing stuff, chickens… and chicken chores, moving wood piles, remodeling bathrooms, acquiring things to help in the future (I’m getting older… and definitely over shoveling snow off driveways!), watering plants, rearranging living rooms (just last week!… I like it, but there’s a strange feeling sitting at home in a space set up in a way that Kateri has never experienced), seeing friends once in a while, meeting new people, seeing family even more once in a while, taking baths, playing guitars, keyboards, or blaring music when it’s significantly past the one-two. I’ve tried to fill time with actions that would help me in the future and/or make me feel good… or better. Right now though, right this second… I just want to stop… and sit… and feel the sadness that the loss of Kateri has given me… because it’s the closest I’m gonna get to her. When I can feel the pressure in my temples, when I have to breath through my mouth because my nose is all snotted up, when the words are blurry after a good ol’ “moment” (like this one)… when it hurts the most… I can see her the clearest. I can almost feel her… feel her skin… her hair. Her beautiful black and silver hair. Again… almost. Now, tell me that’s not fucked up!… (it’s not)

      That being said, being really sad does get really old really quickly! So I’m gonna go let the chickens out on the strip of grass exposed between the snow banks, so that I can see them run. If you haven’t seen a chicken run… it’s funny. (And now I’m thinking about Kateri’s imitation of a chicken running… which was also funny… crap)

      ps… the evening got much better… in bed by ten!… and I’ve just spent 4 minutes and twenty-one seconds reading “much better” over and over again asking myself… “Does that sound weird?”.

      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 20… (Saturday, May 12, 2018) … alarm went off at 7:00am.

      Couldn’t get out of bed until 7:37am. Doesn’t give me too much time in the morning, but there IS enough time to do what I gotta do. I also haven’t been making lunch in the morning since I’m just doing halfish days.

      Got to work. Just Eric up on the dodec.

      a. Caught up with him a tiny bit. Let him know I was doing OK, but there have been some rough spots in the last couple of days.
      b. It’s good for me when its just us catching up with no one else around. I’m comfortable with him. I value his opinion… I guess that’s what friends do. I figure I’m also lucky that my friend is my boss.
      c. Actually, touched a knife and an onion… three of them, and blanched some spinach for the Mother’s Day quiche special thingy. It felt good to do some chopping and sautéing. Didn’t talk too much… 
      d. I did the US Foods order… like riding a bike.
      e. I have a more positive approach to how to handle things. I’m gonna try and be helpful, how do I help people move forward a bit.

      Left work and just came home. I was gonna go to the store but figured we/I (I accidently wrote we out of habit and didn’t want to erase it so that’s what you get… a we/I thing) have enough food to survive a night so might as well not spend the money.

      a. Stopped at the Thetford Village Store to get a couple of sodas… they didn’t have Sunkist in the bottle so I got a big can of Sunkist and a same size can of Cherry Coke… nostalgia I’m guessing. Also bought a lottery ticket… with power play… why not?

      Got home and decided to suck it up and sand the bathroom. It took me a bit to get situated… putting on coveralls…. Finding hats… safety glasses… etc. Then it moves to the excitement of working on it… getting it just a little bit closer to being a full functional bathroom.

      a. Had to break out the electric hand held sander… it was taking a little too long for my tastes and my shoulder was gonna feel it (in a bad way) if I did it all by hand.
      b. I used the little speaker for music. I put it under the piece of plastic covering the bath… that was good… taking advantage of what we had.
      c. Dust got everywhere. I mean, everywhere. I’m gonna have to get out the mop and sponge and water at some point.
      d. Shop vac’d as much as I could. I’m going to have to do it again… which is fun (not really, it’s kind of a bitch).

      Took a shower, Facetimed Maria, watched something, smoked some smokes, smoked some stuff, chilled most of the evening. Started watching Bojack Horseman… per MPH’s suggestion.

      a. Maria got to Jamaica today. She brought a little of Kateri. She’s kinda considering the trip a pilgrimage for Kateri.
      b. She smoked a joint in the kitchen by the back door. Shut the glass door to “block” smoke from going into the front room since she was waiting for dinner to be delivered
      c. Maria Facetimed with Keith and Michelle and they watched the sunset together.

      I left the chicken coop door open and didn’t check eggs this afternoon. I’m not too worried, if something can get them through all the mesh and wire fencing…

      It’s 2:10am and I’ve gotta go to sleep. This is my problem. I am lost through out the day and find myself just standing or sitting and either staring off into something (or nothing) and by the time I need to write shit down I can barely keep my eyes open… or function.

      Thought about posting videos of what I am going through on Facebook.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • Yup… chickens… running… funny.img_4727
      • One thought right now is, “Guess who’s eating a bowl of cake tonight?!”… yes, a bowl.
      • I like reading these notes from almost a year ago. Some things I remember clearly.  Some things I don’t really recall… like most of this one… except Facetiming with Maria.  Love that memory. Cherry Coke… that’s a little rough. Sunkist?… it’s orange… it’s gotta be healthy.
      • It’s frickin’ WINDY right now! I’m glad my house is drafty enough that it whistles!… in stereo!
        • Aaaaand, goodnight.

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      Posted in cancer, grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 1 Comment | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, melanoma, mourning, thefirstthirty, thirtydaysofmorning, threfirstthirtydays, widower, widows
    • Widower Day 345… Rambling Number 21.

      Posted at 9:31 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on April 2, 2019

      I was gonna write about some of the things I was thinking about on my hour and a half drive home (over the river and through the woods) from the airport to the schoolhouse last night… as well as when I got home, but… wow… I guess I had a lot to jot down on ol’ day twenty-one!

      May 11, 2018

      May 11, 2018

      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 21… woke up at 6:56am to no alarm. Stayed in bed until 8:00ish… got some coffee, had a smoke, washed up, brushed teeth, crawled back into bed with the computer.

      This was my FB post this morning.

      Widower Day 21… Some positive observations from the last 3 weeks, because when life plops a big pile of shit on you, you sometimes grasp tightly to any of the “good” that is buried in it. Here are a few that I have noticed for you to take with you as you deal with your shit.

      a.It’s much easier to make the bed in the morning when only one person sleeps in it.
      b. You can play music as loud as you want… whenever you want…. and you should.
      c. You can eat pizza 3 times a week.
      d. It’s gross… but you can sneeze without covering your face… just let it go! (this changes when you are out in public)
      e. Laundry slows way down when your wife dies from cancer… and you can use whatever settings you want… and you don’t have the constant fear of accidently putting her Darn Tough socks in the dryer.
      f. You can work on your bathroom project (that you started 9 months ago) anytime you feel like it… at any hour.
      g. When you flip through Netflix for 83 minutes searching for something to watch… you are only annoying yourself.
      h. You realize that these observations are because you just lost the most important thing in your life, your brain is going into those deep dark holes, and you are just grasping for something to feel better. So that’s when you think about the fact that the bed is easier to make when only one person sleeps in it… and you call your mom.

      Decided to work on the bathroom again today. I’m so close I just want to get to a point where I can at least use it for everything besides a shower… I’ll tile the shower last.

      a. I went to the Home Depot (look, they’ve got a lot of inexpensive stuff… cheap, but for what I need it doesn’t matter that much. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anyways) and picked up more joint compound.
      b. I also picked up some paint primer for the walls. I figure that once I’m done sanding and clean up I could at least put a coat of primer on. It would clean it up sooo much and make it feel like a bathroom.

      Came home and wrote to Ellen.

      a. Now, I had no plans to write a celebrity, but I’m pretty scared about what the future holds and figured might as well try anything I can think of.
      b. I had started to just write down a couple notes… then it turned into the whole letter.
      c. When I went to post the letter on her website… it was too long. Kind of bummed me out because I thought my letter had a good amount of info, let the reader know kinda who was writing, and I don’t think it was too long. Of course, when you get thousands of emails a day… it might have been too long.
      d. Although it was kind of a strange thing to do, I felt good about doing it. It felt good to say fuck it… I’m writing to Ellen, let’s see what happens.

      Called my mom.

      a. It’s Mother’s Day… I wanted to wish her a happy day.
      b. She told me that I have been on her mind which makes me feel good. Granted, I think I knew that I was on her mind… she’s my mom and I’m going through shit… that’s another reason I love her.
      c. Told her I thought they will be happier in the Airbnb house. It will be a nice Vermont experience.
      d. I’m worried about her in the airports when they travel. She said she may wear a mask, but the distance going from flight to flight she isn’t worried about.
      e. My dad was mowing the yard… normally mom does it. Sounds like it got a little tall and dad had to empty the bag quite a few more times than expected.
      f. They were going to Olive Garden for Mother’s Day dinner with Dina and the fam.
      g. I love them.

      I had a good cry. Not having been too emotional/crying lately it felt somewhat good to be able to let it out, but it sucks. It’s just that feeling of disbelief… of just wanting to hold her, touch her, feel her hair, her skin… and I won’t ever be able to again. I miss her.

      Mudded the bathroom a second time.

      a. It’s rather awkward… this whole drywall/mudding thing, but I think the final outcome will be ok.
      b. It definitely took longer than I had anticipated and used more joint compound than expected. Not knowing what exactly it is I’m doing… I may have also used more than normal. Then again, maybe I used less?!
      c. I didn’t do much IN the tub. I feel that since tile is going up… it isn’t as much of a big deal. I could be very wrong.
      d. Finished up around 8:45pm. Cleaned up outside with the hose.

      Checked Facebook… there were a lot of comments and likes n shit on my post. It felt good to read what people were saying. For not doing much on social media, I have gotten some comfort by using it.

      a. I no longer have someone to talk to. I need to release some things sometimes to the ether.
      b. I am kinda testing waters to see if I can expand this Widower thing. Maybe use it as a catalyst to something else that will help me keep my home and provide new experiences.

      Took a shower, got into comfy clothes, and made something to eat.

      a. I had planned to go to the store, but figured I had enough stuff at home to not go hungry.
      b. I made 2 Grilled Cheese with bacon, had a naval orange, and a bowl of Cream of Wheat… and 8 packages of Smarties (what Kateri would call pills) … and then I find myself getting choked up when I think about “pills”… and Kateri… and now I’m crying.
      c. Threw on an old HG Wells movie (well, a story of his) from 1936. I love old stories (books or movies) because they give you a little glimpse of what was going on at the time. This story was talking about war… and the state of Europe. I didn’t really pay attention to much, but I think the war was with something other than Europeans.
      d. Watched some standup comedy. It has helped me lighten the mood sometimes. I watched John Mullany (I think that’s his name) … I really enjoyed watching him. He seemed smart, had an innocence to him, wasn’t crude.

      Fell asleep on the couch again. Woke up around 4:00am and crawled into bed.

      a. I have been fine with falling asleep on the couch, but I do need to start actually crawling into bed at a reasonable hour.
      b. I need to realize that I have time to do the things I need/want to do with this new being alone thing. I don’t need to play Mappy at 12:30 at night or watch tv or surf the web or play guitar or keyboard or music on the stereo. I NEED to go to bed and get a good night’s sleep.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • A pictoral representation of the end of my drive and night last night.  Just gotta say that XM Fly was on point at just the right time for this emotional product of the 80’s and 90’s! And yes, I’m happy the snow came off the roof of the garage… no, I don’t like the fact that it was frozen solid… in front of my door.
      • Another yes… that package of Girl Scout cookies is almost…… ALMOST….. empty.

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      Posted in cancer, grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 4 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, thefirstthirty, thirtydaysofmorning, threfirstthirtydays, widower, widows
    • Widower Day 344… Heading Home… 22.

      Posted at 4:38 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on April 1, 2019

      Me and My MomWell… I’m heading back home to Vermont! It was a quick trip to Boise to see my family… specifically my mother… but, I am soooo happy that I did it.  The look on her face when I walked through her door I will cherish forever.  The fact that I have never done something like that (surprise my family… or anyone… by just showing up) has made me think about the life I have coming up in front of me… this new life where I am solely responsible for what I want to do… and how I want to do it.  My perspectives have changed on everything.  What I view as important has changed. My goals in life have changed.  All because my life has changed with the loss of Kateri.

      With this trip, I feel as though I have taken another step in grabbing control of my life.  After almost a year without Kateri, it was one of the few actions that has given me a sense of , “I’ve got this! I’m not helpless! I have control!”.  It has also reinforced for me that there are a shit ton of people out there that are willing to help me out as I go through this process, whether they be friends, family, co-workers, or strangers.

      The goal wasn’t just to surprise my mom with a happy go lucky visit… I needed to see her for myself.  When you just lost your wife due to cancer and your mother is living with cancer in the lungs and brain (who was diagnosed before Kateri), but you live 2,400 miles away… things go through your head… a lot of bad things start creeping their way into the ol’ noggin.  Questions come up.  Images start showing up… based on nothing except for what is swirling around up there. When I got off the phone with her last Tuesday, I realized the only thing that would help me stop the swirling was to see her with my own eyes… to hold her with my own arms… to sit next to her on the couch and talk… and it could be about nothing. (Or… watch reality TV shows about malnourished lemurs and the veterinarians who take care of them!)

      I’ll just say that sitting on this plane, heading back to The Green Mountain State, flying in the direction of my little red schoolhouse… going home… I feel a hundred times better than I did at 3:45am on Friday when I started my journey out west.img_4646  Those worrisome images that had found their way into my head a week ago have been replaced with relief and the expectation that there will be more than a few other trips for us to chill with each other because… well… she’s doing fantastic! I mean, she’s not running marathons and we won’t be doing any bungee jumping any time soon (I don’t think), but she’s doing much better than… you know… I expected!

      I will always hold my mom up on a pedestal. Not just because she’s “Mom”, but because she is an impressive woman… an impressive person. She is strong… she is compassionate… she is selfless. Like a lot of us, she has had challenges in her life. For me, any speed bumps that I have hit at 35mph, she has been the perfect example of how to face those bumps with positivity, strength, and grace… whether she agrees with my assessment or not!  I love her… and I’m glad I took my life in my own hands so that I could tell her that in person.  It was a good trip.

      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 22… woke up at 7:40ish, laid there… alarm went off at 8:00am. I set the alarm because I need to get into a more regular routine and didn’t want to accidently sleep until 10 or something.

      Finished writing notes for yesterday.

      a. Cried a bit after thinking about how much I miss her… rough.

      Keith came over around 10:40ish so that we could go for a drive.

      a. Stopped at the gas station in Bradford for some drinks (V-water for me)
      b. Went across the bridge to 25 on the way to Rumney.

      a. It was strange doing something that Kateri and I did a lot except being the passenger and not with Kateri. We came to a town near Wentworth that has a Rocket in the green. Before we got there, I mentioned that I thought there was a Rocket (no idea why I capitalize it) around here… 3 seconds later we pass the Rocket.img_2472
      b. It was also strange going for a drive and having the opportunity to watch shit go by, but everything is still kind of a blur… it’s that numbness.
      c. Took some side roads. One just looped around. One dead ended (no pun intended) at the Glenclif Healthcare Facility. It was cool. Perched on top of a hill. Kind of creepy. Wouldn’t want to be there at night. Have no idea what type of “healthcare” they provide.
      d. Was gonna eat in Woodsville but went to Tuttle’s Family Diner in Wells River. Never been there before and can’t tell you how many times Kateri and I went through there.

      a. It was a good experience. It was nice to sit at a counter. The place was a little thrown together, but my Ruben (pretty sure that’s how it was spelled on the menu!) was good and the service was friendly, but not overbearing… entertaining at certain points, but good. Keith and I were even told we have beautiful eyes.

      e. Came home, sat on the porch for a second, Keith took off.

      Finished sanding the bathroom drywall. It went much quicker today. The frickin dust gets EVERYWHERE! Wiped down the walls with a sponge and tried to clean it up as much as possible. Left the cardboard down for when I paint… well, primer… hopefully tomorrow.

      img_2471
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      a. The blue I got may be a little dark, but the amount of white should make it ok. I’m pretty sure Kateri wouldn’t mind the color… at least what’s in my head right now. I am a little mission bound right now, too. Not that I’m rushing it, but I figure, “it’s paint… it’ll all be ok”.

      Got cleaned up. Had to get the dust out of every crick and cranny. I’m excited to add the primer, then I can pull up the cardboard, add a sink and mirror, and have a mostly functioning bathroom upstairs!

      Played music pretty loud all the way to Worthy. Ended on the Caliente Station. It’s just fun to listen to once in a while… I have no idea what they are talking about, but it’s got some moves to it.

      Keith and Michelle came up behind me when I was turning in South Royalton.

      a. Bauman and Laura were the next to show, then Sarah L., and Jeff and Cristina. It was a nice group of people.
      b. Not really being in the loop lately, it was a nice surprise that I saw Sarah… she’s just a wonderful human.
      c. Got the ol’ Worthy Burger with cheddar and bacon. That’s why you go there.
      d. Had nice conversations with Jeff and Sarah. Filled Bauman in on what I’ve been up to the last few weeks. Told Sarah about how I want to write a book or something… she’s gonna speak to some writer friends for me to see how stuff like that goes.

      a. If I can get paid some money to write… I’ve gotta try… what have I got to lose? (I told Keith that on our little drive)

      e. Ate inside in the corner. It was comfortable enough. Really, we stood a fare amount of the time.

      Drove home and decided to just brush teeth, get clean, and crawl into bed. I want to wake up earlier tomorrow and I can use the computer in bed so might as well give it a try.A love note.

      a. On the way home, I thought about how I am in the process of figuring out who I am… again. Almost like when you are younger and insecure, but I don’t have those insecurities. I know it will take time, but it falls in line with the, “here’s your new life… what are you going to do with it? How are you going to act? How are you going to live your life?”

      Went to actual bed around the one-two.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • You are always welcome to like/repost/share if you think someone else may get something out of this blog post or blog… and I’d kinda dig it!

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    • Widower 343… 23.

      Posted at 1:47 am by Darren Lidstrom, on April 1, 2019

      Sunset May 15, 2018

      Sunset on May 15, 2018…Widower Day 23.

      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 23… Woke up at 6:30ish… tried for earlier, it wasn’t happening.

      Was able to get out of here quickly.

      On the commute in between The S. Farm and Andy L.’s I had to come to a crawl for 2 grown geese helping their 2 geeselings cross the road. You could see the mom/dad pushing them along.

      a. It was such a cool little spectacle that it made my brain start thinking in big broad thoughts about big life experience stuff and what we go through.
      b. I passed a car and it was just another reminder that life just keeps on moving. The thought of, “you have no idea of what I’m going through!” popped into my head… just one of those moments. Then I realized that of course they don’t… I have no idea of what they’re going through, why should they know my life?

      Work was ok. It feels a little bit more normal. I want to make sure I am being true to myself and making the most of this opportunity… who do I want to be?

      a. Jeremy invited me to Ziggy’s to play pool with a group of people. 90% sure it’s work people, but not 100%. I’m sure there will be people.
      b. Work made me think about jewelry… which made me think about if/when will I take off my wedding ring?
      c. Cracked some eggs, did some schedule stuff, made a tomato basil tart. I don’t really care for it, tastes like pizza to me. We’ll see in the morning. It felt good to see something and then just test it out. That’s how a cook gets better.

      On the drive home, I thought about how I am just coasting right now. The next step will be organizational, and then it will be survival. Went to the store and picked up pot pies and some other random stuff… fruit n shit, so there was some “good for ya” stuff.

      When I got home and was putting groceries away I saw how much food we/I actually have, and I don’t know if I would ever be able to go through it all.

      Decided to go ahead and start painting the bathroom.

      a. I thought I could paint and then have time to call Paul, but it took much longer than I had expected.
      b. Started it at 4:45 I think and ended around 8:40. It feels good to have it look more and more like a bathroom. I pulled the cardboard from the floor.
      c. Mopped the house, even our bedroom. Had to start getting all that dust out of here. I also want the option of working on bathroom whenever I want and not have to take a shower afterwards.
      d. The first coat of primer looks good. I’m happy with it. The next coat won’t be to much. Not much paint left either, soooo.

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      Put on some music afterwards… Khalid

      a. It brought me back to after Kateri had passed, but before Maria took off and we were here smoking and putting on music videos and one came up of him and kind of his life. We were so impressed by the young man. We/I dug it.

      Took a shower and ate a chicken pot pie and a salad.

      a. Watched a little standup comedy. It’s good to watch funny shit.
      b. Thought about what I would like to do for my video for Ellen… yup, still on that train. Why not?

      Went to bed at 1:20 am.

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      Posted in grief, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 0 Comments | Tagged bathroom remodel, cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, thefirstthirty, thirtydaysofmorning, threfirstthirtydays, widower, widows
    • Widower Day 342… 24.

      Posted at 12:00 am by Darren Lidstrom, on March 31, 2019

      57566087796__993faea9-9410-4415-a5ab-5c0cb33df8e4It was a good day… I mean today was. Looks like Day 24 wasn’t all that horrible, but I’m talking about my day in Boise. Aaaand… I ate a banana for breakfast… I hate bananas.

      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 24… alarm set for 6:00am… got up at 6:45.

      I’ve been trying to get on a routine, a schedule as I go back to work. It’s been hard forcing myself to actually get to bed with this new independence.

      (I am writing this the next day because I keep falling asleep on the couch and Anna just sent me a message… she has reached out to me more in the last 2 weeks than ever before.)

      Went to work.

      a. Nothing super exciting at work. I didn’t think I would be able to hang for very long with how I was feeling during the morning. Sadness had just hit me, and I couldn’t get out of it. Before I went to lunch, I found Eric and Teri on the back porch and said I don’t know how long I will stick around for. Eric just mentioned that I have tomorrow off (Thursday) and that helped me push through the day.
      b. I used that weird energy to simply make a soup. I made Chicken n Bacon Corn Chowder to use up some product. It felt good to use up some stuff and to make something just a little different. I do feel it came out a little blander than I expected, but I am also using this experience to kickstart my cooking again and to get back into it, into something. It will only help me in the future… with work and also at home to provide me with a good meal, to learn something new, and to consume time.
      c. There are some members of the crew going through personal stuff as well. I am trying to provide them some guidance and to be supportive, but it’s funny going through something like this and then being in the position to hear other people’s issues… I’m like, “really?… how about you don’t take those actions anymore?”… or “Is that really affecting you this much for this long?”. But I have to remember that you can’t put a measurement on someone else’s pain… we don’t know HOW MUCH pain something causes another person. Only they know how they feel.
      d. Left work around 3:30.
      e. Eric told me the DailyUV is hiring bloggers… or blog writers… or something.

      Ran to the Home Depot to pick up paint, a paint liner, rollers, and a brush for the bathroom. I figure, I am so close might as well bust it out. The fact that most of the dirty shit is done makes me feel good and excited to get it closer to usable.

      a. Picked out a darker blue. I think the primer was a good gauge but is a little to “baby blue”. I went with a darker shade. Something like “perfect sky” or something.

      Met Luke and Gardner at the house. Luke had bought a new dump truck for the Hindquarter and Gardner built the walls for the dump. Our house is kinda in the middle, so I lucked out and get to see both of them!

      a. Planned on 5:00, Gardner got here at 5:30ish. Parked on the side of the road. We realized that probably wasn’t the best place for a big ass truck with people flying down the dirt road.
      b. Gardner milled the wood himself and built the walls over 2 ½ days… it’s beautiful. It will be cool to see once the wood burn The Hindquarter logo into the side.
      c. Luke got here soon after and we all just kinda shot the shit and played around on a brand new black dump truck… you know, lifting the tail gait up… and then lowering it.

      a. I felt kinda like the cool kid as people drove past my house and three dudes are just sitting around shooting the shit with a dump truck in the driveway.
      b. It did also make me think about getting older. We were at my “HOUSE!” looking at a BRAND NEW DUMP TRUCK that Luke bought for HIS business. We were talking about QuickBooks and shit. It just felt like we were grown ups.

      d. We took a little walk to show Gardner the back yard. Went to the fire pit and just kinda hung out.

      a. Gardner told Luke and I what the different trees were on property. He is amazing that way… wealth of knowledge.

      e. Raphael and Tara came over on his motorcycle and 4 wheeler and met us at the fire pit… (we were not having a fire)

      a. They are a kick. It was fun listening to them meet Gardner and listen to him share his experiences with them. They were talking about being in Hawaii and Gardner mentioned how he lived there for a bit and they probably walked on trails that he built.
      b. It was pleasant. It was nice to hear people just shoot the shit. Yes, there was a little of what I/we are dealing with, but mainly just people chewing the fat.
      c. When Raph had to leave, he and Gardner dorked out over the motorcycle for a bit… and then Gardner took if for a quick spin.

      f. Luke took off before the sun went all the way down… and left his pencil!
      g. I left a bag up at the firepit so Gardner and I went to get it and just took a mosey on the path above the house.

      a. It was nice to talk to him, to talk to someone and he was perfect. I just dig him and find him very impressive because of his experiences and approach to life.
      b. Have to mention that he is another one who has quit drinking and has found such strength in that decision, is experiencing that clarity that drying up provides.
      c. I look forward to spending more time with him, either working with Luke, him visiting, or me swinging by his place when out for a drive.

      Was gonna put a second coat of primer on, but it was 8:30 by the time everyone left and I just wanted to chill. Didn’t even cook. Threw in a frozen Chicken Pot Pie and called it good.

      a. I was gonna watch a movie, Life, and started it, but fell asleep.
      b. It’s a horror/sci-fi/thriller… not sure if day 24 as a widower is the right time to start watching scary movies, but I fell asleep, so it wasn’t a big deal.

      a. I’ve always liked scary movies, but for the last 18 years I’ve had Kateri and knew that if I ever really got scared that she would be there. I don’t have that anymore, so I wonder if I am gonna like scary movies as much.

      c. Ate a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and fell asleep. Woke up at 4:38am… had a smoke… washed up… and crawled into bed.

      I told Gardner this is how I feel… “No one is gonna make a story about this experience if I don’t tell it”.

      I’m still wearing my bracelet almost every day.

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    • Widower Day 341… (technically 342, but that’s ok… it’s been a long day)… 25.

      Posted at 4:12 am by Darren Lidstrom, on March 30, 2019

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      It’s currently 6:53am and I’m sitting at the end of a terminal in Burlington Intl. Airport. International!… funny. The first alarm was set for 3:45am (Harp), by 4:00am the chorus of old car horns and telephone rings started… so I got out of bed… got coffee… took a shower to wake up a bit… put on my travel clothes, double checked the schoolhouse to make sure I turned off things that needed turning off, threw my backpack in the Jeep… and headed off to Burlington.

      The reason I was going to the airport was so I could surprise my mom… by showing up.  The short of it… because it’s 3:35am right now… is that I basically wanted to see my mom, to see how she was doing, how was she holding up with this cancer shit.  I haven’t seen her in four and a half months and I just didn’t want to wait any longer to see with my own eyes.  This is one of the challenges of moving away from your family… they aren’t around… and neither are you.

      She had a doctor’s appointment today, and thankfully she is doing well! Things are stable!  For me, I was able to see with my own eyes that she is doing much better than the images that have been racing through my brain… and it was relieving.

      It’s quite the fun story… and I  really enjoyed surprising not only my mom, but my entire family by just popping in! When I first went to my father’s work… where my sister works, as well… she told a co-worker, “that guy looks a lot like my brother” when I was in the parking lot getting out of the rented 2019 Nissan Altima (fancy).57559573514__2936d1f8-f988-4da6-b2e5-bba755d1a770.jpg  When I walked past her window and she saw my Cedar Circle sweatshirt… she knew it was me!  My father… well, I just walked into his office while he was on the phone with a client… and then caused him to fumble over his words for a second!  I’m sure the client was like, “ummm… you ok?!”.  My mother… well… the look on her face when I walked into the house… it simply filled me happiness.

      But now… I gots to go to sleep! (stories for another time!)

      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 25… woke up at 8:00.

      Although, I am trying to go to bed earlier, for some reason I didn’t mind falling asleep on the couch and then crawling into bed at 4:45 in the morning. The bed felt REALLY comfortable.

      I tried to figure out Dropbox. I figured it out a little bit. It should be fun to learn.

      Drove up to Burlington to talk to Northcountry and thought I would take care of Community and try to get in touch with Paul, Rob, or Flatbread Chelsea.

      a. On the way up I thought about how I think I’m still in shock. I feel numb and like I’m just floating through life. Not focusing on anything.
      b. I also thought about the party. I would like there to be some sort of arts involved in the remembrance. Maybe a dance by Paul… some sort of thing going on while something else is going on?
      c. Thought about how everything is just a stepping stone for something else… cliché, but that’s what I was thinking about. Since we are getting older, you can see how something just feeds something else… growth. Ice Cube and Dre had NWA, then Dre had Snoop, then Snoop had Warren G, then Nate Dog (could’ve been the same time, but this is how I am providing an example).

      Northcountry

      a. Launa helped me. It was straight forward and painless. Changed my password before writing this.
      b. As I was leaving, I remembered Kateri in the ER (the second time, it was a Friday, Hastings helped her off the floor and back onto the toilet… I was in town talking to Kureisha and getting groceries n shit).

      Community

      a. Spoke with Erin. I can’t do anything about Kateri’s solo accounts without being her executor. I’ll just have to go to the court and see what they need me to do.
      b. I remembered her from when I worked at Leunig’s and went there to deposit checks.

      Ran by Flatbread to see if I could meet the GM… Chelsea. Spoke to a bleach blond bartender with some solid make-up on. Chelsea was in a Manager’s Meeting. Bartender took my name and said she would call me when she had a moment… she hasn’t called.

      Went to Zero Gravity to see if Paul was there… he wasn’t. So, I went next door to The Great Northern to see if Jeff was around… he was.

      a. He gave me another one of Rookie’s flavors. Something citrus and mapley
      b. Talked with Jeff, other bartender guy, Marnie, Boo, and Frank… it was a good visit.

      Drove to W. Leb and hung with some of the crew. Jeremey, Margot, Justin, Ian, Kelley, Jim, and Jim’s wife. It was a nice evening of playing pool.

      Came home, watched the rest of the not so scary educated. (note-“not so scary educated”…? Yup, no idea what that means!)

      a. On the drive home I thought about how a lot of people tell you, “You look good!’ after your wife dies from cancer.
      b. An owl flew right in front of me as I was passing Heman’s place.
      Went to bed at 1:25am.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • Sometimes, when you think it’s 3:35am… it’s really just 1:35am because your computer’s clock hasn’t changed from Eastern Time to Mountain Time.

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    • Widower Day 340… 26.

      Posted at 9:48 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on March 28, 2019

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      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 26… Got up at 7:37ish… I knew I needed to sleep a bit more… and it was comfy.

      Ran over a squirrel with a nut in it’s mouth on the way to work today. That kinda sucked… and popped.

      Work was fine, nothing to write home about. It was a desk task oriented type morning. I was pretty subdued and just wanted to get some things done. Not in a bad mood or anything.

      a. Ya, work was work. It’s still a little weird seeing some people, talking to some others… it’s nice.
      b. Chatted with Tami for a minute as I was leaving. It was also nice. We don’t chat that much just the two of us that often (at all really) so it felt good to fill her in a bit and to let her do what she needs to do so that she doesn’t feel weird being around me.

      Came home. Planned on maybe going to the Dinner Under the Balloons, but wanted to paint the bathroom and make some phone calls.

      a. Called knights funeral home about death certificates being mailed back and picking them up next week. Asked about money owed and he said no worries (not those exact words).
      b. Put the second and last coat of primer on in the bathroom. I didn’t do some of the lower section… running (ran) out of paint. It’ll get covered by wainscoting. Its looking good. I feel good about where it’s at and I’m confident I’ll be able to start setting it back up a little soon.
      c. Called Paul. He was fantastic. He told me that he and Rob feel as though they would like to throw the party. Their generosity is amazing and is just another part of this whole pile of shit that is good. June 20th… Flatbread.
      d. Decided to have Friday night pizza so I ordered one from Colatina E. I had enough credit things that the girl asked if I wanted to use them for a free pizza?… HELLS YA! It was fantastic. Threw in an orange soda and my bill came to $1.94
      e. Came home. Played a little guitar. Was about to hop in the shower and then got a little disgusted by it so I cleaned it. I threw away the whole chain thing because it disgusts me a bit, but the whole shower was pretty disgusting. It felt good to clean it.
      f. Played a game of Mappy… and Pole Position. Lea Jae texted me, just checking in. She’ll be stopping by at some point. Glad I texted her back… still trying to stay on top of things, of the people.
      g. Threw on a documentary on names and the effect they have on us. Names as in funny/challenging names. Like “Dick Large”. It was cool, but it also made me realize there are people out there just trying to figure out the next step in the movie process. (a note from today… I have no idea what I meant right there!)
      h. Texted with Matty for a bit… because it just feels good sometimes. I wanted to talk to my parents but didn’t.

      Having to call it a night at 1:35am… it’s just too much right now

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I actually really enjoyed reading those notes… and love that there was a squirrel in them! (not so much that it popped… that was disgusting)

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      Posted in grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 1 Comment | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, thefirstthirty, thirtydaysofmorning, threfirstthirtydays, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 339… 27. Two… then seven.

      Posted at 9:11 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on March 27, 2019

      Ummm… so, I’m not reading these notes until I go to copy and paste them each day.  I just scroll on down until I hit the day and hope for the best! I’ve actually been doing pretty good with it.  I would even venture to say that it’s kinda nice to revisit them.  It at least keeps the evening interesting!

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      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 27… alarm went off at 6:30am… turned it off until 7:30, got out of bed around 7:45am… yup.

      Worked. Wasn’t really into going to work, I’ve been pretty sad and unmotivated to get out of bed. Once on my way to work… by 244, I start to feel somewhat OK. Limiting my smoking on the way to work.

      Work was fine… Saturday. We had a line to the kitchen door.

      a. I was just there… somewhat helpful, but I still don’t feel like I’m being very productive.
      b. I saw Karen in line so I went to say “thank you” for the card. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy… special… that she would take the time. It gives me hope that KAF will be able to help me survive in the future.

      Luke swung by to chat.

      a. I thought he was coming home from Boston and that his family would be with him… wrong on both. He was heading to Boston for Binks’ graduation party… solo. Before I knew he was solo, I figured KAF would be the best place for all of us to chat. It was just him, which was perfect so that we (I) could talk without interruption.
      b. I hadn’t seen Luke since before Palliative. I told him how I have been coping: projects, talking/texting peeps, working, can’t look at pictures, remembering the beautiful things that happened in this experience, trying to stay positive.
      c. I told him how I have been writing and how it has been a nice release of emotions and energy. It has been good for me and also provides me with some hope that it may go beyond my computer. Hopefully, it will be useful to other people. I mentioned how I am thinking about a book and a blog. He said he could help me with the blog.
      d. We talked about the Scotty story, Kateri’s last day, the day after. I was a little emotional, which happens when I get around close friends. I am so thankful that we were able to catch up, even if it was just for a bit.
      e. He was in our wedding… a Man of Honor… if that says anything.
      f. David texted saying he was at Farmway.

      Met David at the house.

      a. He grabbed the key from the turtle to get in since I wasn’t here.
      b. I filled him in on where I was at emotionally and how I was coping with everything. Basically, the same things as Luke and I talked about.
      c. We decided we needed to eat sooner that later and I thought we could go to Samauri… it’s close and decent. Went down Blood Brook to show him Raph’s house.

      a. It was ok. Food was good, service was horrendous. David went up to order our drinks because we were sitting for so long.
      b. Griffin and Celeste were there. I saw them when we walked in but didn’t say anything because I figured we would see them when they left… we did.
      c. I hadn’t seen Celeste since Kateri’s birthday party, so it was nice to fill her in. Mainly it was how I was doing, which is weird.

      We came home and pretty much caught up.

      a. I told him about the Scotty thing and the Heman story from Day 1. Those are the things that help me push the dark shit aside.
      b. The sadness of missing her is starting to set in and I don’t know what to expect from that, but I like to think that it is good that I recognize it… of course, I could be way off base.
      c. I told him about Kateri’s last day… that was hard for me.

      a. I haven’t had to talk about it for a bit but realized there are people who haven’t heard it.
      b. It was hard, but I am glad that I can recall the day so vividly.
      c. It was a pretty emotional evening between Luke and David, but it was also so easy. This is what I feel I need to be doing when the opportunity arises… and our friends need to know the story… at least as much as I can share with them.
      d. Crying felt… not good, but better… or relieving.

      Went to bed at 2:45am

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    • Widower Day 338… Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning… 28.

      Posted at 6:22 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on March 26, 2019

      Lil' Bitch!
      Lil’ Bitch!
      Grass!
      Grass!
      ummm... Chicken!
      ummm… Chicken!

      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 28… woke up early but stayed in bed until 9:40ish… in and out of sleep. It was a cloudy/drizzly morning which makes it hard to get up… bed is just so comfortable on those mornings.

      Had a pretty lazy morning with David. We hung out, put music on the TV.
      He gave me body work at noonish.

      a. It felt really nice getting some work done from him. He is really good at that shit. I started face down and after a bit my head just filled up with snot and I could breath through my nose or swallow… takes away a bit of the relaxation.
      b. When I flipped to my back, the relief on my head was fantastic… relief from snot, not my mental well-being… that was good too.
      c. It was a little hard just laying there because your mind does start to wander. Although the massage is relaxing and you focus quite a bit on that, the fact that your head can think about anything meant that it was gonna go to some sad places as I laid there.
      d. When I was getting off the couch and taking my clothes off to get on the table my right elbow got tweaked and still hurts… it’s called getting older.
      e. He did a combination of massage and Reiki… I don’t really know when he was doing the Reiki… I’m guess at those moments when he stopped rubbing me.
      f. Afterwards, we had a smoke, cooked some bacon, and made some egg tacos.
      David left around 3:30.

      I went to the store quickly to grab a few things: soda, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, milk, seltzer, fruit, etc.

      Sean, Angela, and I were gonna go for a hike, but it was rainy all morning. We decided they were gonna come over here and make tacos around 6:00.

      When I got home I thought I could bang out painting the bathroom before they got here… I was wrong. I did get quite a bit done, so when they did arrive I just covered brushes and paint and shit and left it for after they leave. (Independent… I can do it later… at night)

      a. I have been finding that although I want to get projects done and shit, if I have the option of working on something by myself or hanging/talking with a friend… I’m gonna go with the contact with friends… that’s what I REALLY need right now.
      b. They came up and saw the bathroom… could smell the fumes.
      c. I rolled a joint and we went out to the front deck to smoke, catch up a bit, and to enjoy the evening… then the cool wind came up and we went inside to start cooking… well, Sean started getting everything ready. He has done this for us twice and I have to say… he has it down (bringing shit to someone else’s house).
      d. Chorizo/chicken tacos with guac, he brought pickled cabbage, cilantro, tomatillo salsa, corn tortillas… it was fantastic.

      a. I felt good about my eating the last two days. Going out and then having people bring you food is very helpful.

      e. It was a very nice evening… I like hanging with them, it seems kinda easy and laid back which is what we/I like. It was nice to get to know them a bit more.

      a. Angela mainly worked for/with family in Wisco until coming here, Sean grew up in Miami (gross), they worked at The B@#$%^& (which I don’t really know what that place is about), they wanted a BnB also, they want to buy a house (but don’t know where yet), Sean went to culinary school, they may need to move since housemates are having a baby… but is supposed to move out in December when their house is built (not Sean and Angela’s), Angela was sort of a wild child… said she would love to go back to high school!… said she could do whatever she wanted to!… Sean and I are not those people who would go back to HS if given the chance.
      b. As Angela and I were talking, Sean went to the kitchen and made caramel popcorn… love having cook friends!

      f. They took off and I finished the painting the bathroom.

      It was nice having both David and Angela/Sean visit. I’m still not very emotional when I’m alone, but when I get around people I love, it lets me release a little.

      Busy day, but a good one with good people. I fell asleep in the chair until 4:28am, had a smoke, washed up, and crawled into bed. I set the alarm for 7:30am because I am still trying to get back to a normal schedule.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

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    • Widower Day 337… Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning… 29.

      Posted at 7:40 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on March 25, 2019

      img_4586It’s the second day of my weekend and after staying up way too late last night… but enjoying no alarm!… I decided to try and pluck some things off of the “To Do” list today.  You know, those little things that you just keep meaning to get to… or are blatantly disregarding?! So I did chicken chores, replaced the Daytime Running Light on the ol’ buggy, brought wood over from the potting shed… with help from said buggy… and a sled, changed out the drip pans on the stove because the old ones had literally disintegrated, and then… well… I rearranged the living room.

      Now changing up the living room was no where near my list of things to do today, but I am actually almost giddy thinking about sitting back on the couch in comfy clothes… chicken pot pie on the lap… and getting lost in a movie in my new surroundings!… a whole new experience! It feels good to have done something today, spur of the moment, that will also provide something new… a little variety… in my day to day.  It is kind of a strange feeling sitting here in a space in which Kateri has not seen set up this way before. It’s a moment where the Old Life and New Life overlap in my head… but I feel good about it. I also feel good about the fact that I still have two Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for my movie!

      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 29… woke up at 7:30am to my alarm, snoozed until 8:15ish.

      Made coffee and crawled back into bed to write notes for yesterday. I would really like to get to the point where I am going to bed earlier and spending time in bed writing.
      Went to Randy and Vicky’s to drop off my drills. They were gonna mend their garden boxes.

      a. We hung out behind their garage and smoked a joint away from O#$%^… who was in the house.
      b. They had been having a rough go at it the last couple of days. Stress of everything (Kateri) kinda bearing down on them. Randy wanted to drink a bottle of whisky the other night. Thankfully he chose not to. Although, with how well he has changed his life around, I don’t think tying one on is the worst thing in the world.
      c. Randy mentioned that he had been getting angry lately.

      a. I don’t have any room right now for the anger. Once you get into anger… it can lead you down some deep, dark paths.
      b. They asked that I check out a screen door for them at LaValley’s…. I never got one… or went back to their house.

      Went to LaValley’s and Home Depot

      a. They didn’t have the wainscoting I was looking for so I just went to Home Depot to see if they had anything.
      b. They had sheets of bead board which is what I was looking for. I had to have them cut them in half hoping they would fit inside the Jeep… they didn’t. I had to strap them to the top… and then pull over at the Powerhouse Mall to redo it so that they wouldn’t fly off and go through someone’s windshield.

      I was able to get them up on the wall. I don’t know how well they are attached… a lot of nails just went into drywall. I didn’t glue them or anything in case I needed to remove them.

       

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    • Widower Day 336… Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning… Starting with 30.

      Posted at 2:47 am by Darren Lidstrom, on March 25, 2019

      img_2349I thought I was gonna write something a little more in depth of what I’m about to do for the next thirty days, but it’s 11:41pm and I got home a little later than anticipated… and I’m… well… kinda tired.  A friend and I went up to BTown for a get together of absolutely wonderful people who wanted to show a friend of ours that we love him… that we support him… that we are there for him as he does his dance with cancer.  This is a man who I met when I first came to Vermont… who I have cooked with and for… and who Kateri considered one of the early “Pocket People”… which should tell you something about this guy.

      I wanted to explain in detail what is going through my head and my plans for this bloggery in the immediate future, but being in the same space… in a wonderful space opened up by wonderful peeps to all of us “Industry People”… is the thing that took priority this evening for multiple reasons.  The main reason, I wanted to show my friend I cared for him… and to tell him I love him.  Luckily… these are my peeps… and I got to tell more than a couple of them that I love them.

      Sooooo… here’s the gig. March 24, 2019 starts the last thirty days before the 1st Anniversary of Kateri’s death. In thirty days will come Widower Day 365… one year without my wife.  I am going to share my Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning (my notes from the first thirty days without Kateri) for the next thirty days starting with Widower Day 30 (I don’t know if that’s a little odd to start with 30… but, I’ve got my reasons. They may not be rational… but they’re reasons!).  I’m gonna also put those notes in the “My Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning” site page area thing… just in case someone wants to see how this widower dealt with being sucker punched by life. FYI… I’m giving myself leniency if circumstances don’t allow me to get to posting blogs n things. The notes aren’t very exciting and there are some things I don’t feel comfortable sharing out of respect for people in my life, but I feel I sorta wanna to get this all out before the start of “Year 2”.img_1599 You are more than welcome to share any of this if you feel it may help someone out who is going through their own shit… to show them that they aren’t alone in having to cope with such a gut wrenching, confusing, scary, and lonely time. I don’t know how this will all go, or what going back to these notes will bring up, or if I should wait till after the year is up… or if I wanna even do it! But here it goes anyways!

      Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

      Day 30… Tuesday May 22, 2018.

      Woke up around 6:30 so that I could get to work. It’s a strange day for me. I gave myself 30 days to write about this experience. Part of it was I don’t want to forget some of the things that have happened over the last month, part of it is I wanted something I could look back on as a reference (how was I feeling? Simply what did I do on ___day of this process, part of it is I want to write a book because I feel I have a story that is interesting… I have an experience which was/is horrible, but I’m living through it, I hope that my story could help someone else going through their own shit storm, I hope enough people would be interested in what I have to say that they would give me $ for it… with the hope of keeping my life as I know it together.

      It was a strange day at work.

      a. Although I was aware of what I was going through and that it had an affect on my attitude, I was still kinda hypercritical of a lot of things at work. Some of which I feel was justified, but for some things I definitely could have dealt with a little differently.

      This is what I posted on Facebook after I made 7ish videos to share what I was going through after I had sat in the car for 25 minutes crying and not being able to get out. I wanted to share my experience and be in the moment, but I also realized I wanted to be happy with what I was going to purposefully send out there.

      Widower Day 30… In the last thirty days I have felt the love and support from friends, family, and strangers. I have been trying to get to a “starting point”. I have come up with terms like “nesting for one” and used terms like “little victories”. I have tried to stay busy to keep my mind off the sad shit. I have pushed my own comfort zone out of fear for the future which I have been given. I have laughed… and I have cried. I also made a video where I say I’m a widower at 43… I’m 42. This is what happens at the end of what I’m calling my 30 days of Mourning. Yup.

      a. I am happy that I posted this. It was on the liberating side of things.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • Ummm…. “Widower Notes n Thoughts” aren’t part of the original notes… and I’m not changing any parts of the originals (unless it deals with respect and/or privacy issues)… which is quite the challenge… I’m pushing comfort levels!… it’s sorta  embarrassing.
      • I wanted to attach the video I posted on Facebook… but now it’s 1:59am… and I don’t know how to get it on here! Yup… me smart! I’ll add it in when I can… later…  at some point… somehow.
      • I kinda laugh when I look back on this day… it was a different time… I was different. Some things just change.
      • Goodnight (technically, it’s Widower Day 337!… Soooo, Good Morning!)

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      Posted in cancer, grief, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 2 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 334… Eleven Months…I lost 4 days somewhere.

      Posted at 9:52 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on March 22, 2019

       

      img_4545Yup… I didn’t really realize it until I was driving home from work that today was the eleven month anniversary of Kateri’s passing.  I felt a little off today, but didn’t think much about it.  Plus, coming off of Kateri’s birthday and the ringer that that put me through, I was actually just looking forward to a little bit of a mellower time for the following few days… hopefully weeks… and so far it is.  At this point, having gone through birthdays and holidays and anniversaries of cancer stuff… the month anniversaries are just a way to track time.  Compared to Kateri’s birthday… or the date of the diagnosis of Melanoma in the brain… or the anniversary of her death coming up in a month… all the other months have just been a countdown to that 1 Full Year moment.  So, for me right now… it kinda sucks to think that Kateri has been gone for eleven months, but I’m emotionally hung over… wanna take a breather… and just prepare (if you can) for 1 year. (wow… that just fucked up to think about)

      So, out of laziness… this is what I did today:

      • Worked… well, I was at work. Ya, chopped some romaine n shit… but there’s a snow storm happenin’ so we were a little slow.
      • It was after the turn at the lake that I realized it was “Eleven Months”. (It could’ve been before that, but “the turn at the lake” sounded better than “on the interstate”… and a little more rurally romanticized sounding!)img_4575
      • There were boulders of wet heavy snow at the end of my driveway that I got to plow through… and then get stuck halfway up the driveway! It was a nice challenge to overcome… and another reason to SNOW BLOW!
        • The snow was nasty.  I had about 8 inches of just water logged white stuff than was slick as shit!
        • Getting stuck in your own driveway isn’t like really getting stuck.  I mean… c’mon. Of course, it helps if you have sand in the garage…. and a shovel.
      • I added shavings to the ladies house.  I absolutely love the smell of wood shavings… much more than the smell of the build up of what comes out of the chickens’ butts.
      • I had to run to town for more gas since I used it all up snow blowing… and it’s supposed to start snowing again… around now. I like to be prepared… and it gave me an excuse to grab a pizza!
      • Some friends stopped by on their snowmobiles… I love that I live in a place where friends can just show up on their snowmobiles.
      • I realized I am four days off on my “Widower Day” counting… I don’t know where I lost those four days… but I’m to tired to go looking for them!
      • Things are good… well, decent… I guess not too shabby. It’s not been horrible… and sometimes… down right fun.

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      Posted in anniversary, cancer, grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 2 Comments | Tagged anniversary, cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, melanoma, mourning, widower, widows
    • Widower Day 327(today is 8)… The End of My 3 Day Weekend.

      Posted at 9:29 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on March 20, 2019

      img_4535I took an extra day off at the tail end of my weekend because… as I figured… Kateri’s birthday was probably gonna be the peak of the emotional mountain expedition. (no… I’m  not a mountain climber or have any desire to scale Mt. Kilamenjaro or anything. Walks though… those are good)  I wanted to make sure I had a little extra time so as not to have the sense of rushing it… and I’m glad I did!… cuz it’s been rough! I mean, yes it’s been rough, but I have come to expect that. However, I was surprised by the amount of crying I did. I was surprised by how early the water works and the “I miss those days” reminiscing started… a couple of weeks prior to her birthday. I was surprised by just how much… how many emotions… I had pushed to the side as I try to figure out how to maneuver, how to live in the present, how to get everything done in this new life… without her. And I knew I was gonna need a couple of days to recover from the onslaught of everything on Kateri’s birthday… on St. Patrick’s Day.

      Yesterday, I basically tidied and cleaned the house.  I wanted to for that whole “organized” feeling it brings me. It’s in my head that if I keep my house in tip top shape, if I don’t let things turn into “piles”… mail doesn’t count… (and piles is in quotes because I refuse to define what a “pile” is), if I stay on top of most stuff then… well… I should be good! Or, at least I think it helps. So yesterday was my “Gettingshitbacktogether Day” before I’m to be reintroduced back into normal life… and today… I went for a drive.

      5b7e4f0c-8231-4ab0-8e2e-5791a1bba4f5I had gotten up around six and hit the road at 6:30am for breakfast at George’s… in Gloucester… two hours and forty-three minutes away.  It was gonna be my “I’m taking Kateri to the ocean for her birthday” end to the weekend, but when you drive for a few hours by yourself… the brain kinda does it’s thing! (having control over the radio has it’s advantages, though) As I thought more and more about it, I wasn’t taking Kateri to the ocean… I was taking just a part of Kateri to the ocean… and I was taking only a tiny fraction of what is left of her physical body… that which we cremated. I could try and make myself feel better by attaching her… by attaching Kateri to my little road trip, but she wasn’t by my side.img_4533  She didn’t order bisuits and gravy or shoot the shit with line dude. She didn’t feel the ocean air on her cheeks. And I didn’t take a selfie of us on the beach with her in the background doing some funny little kick… or doing anything at all. Yes, Kateri was with me in my memories, thoughts, emotions, and spirit as I drove 71 miles per hour across New England, but she wasn’t by my side… and I realized I just needed to cover some ground for myself as I remembered my wife… and all the wonderful “Let’s go to the ocean!” adventures we had.

      img_4536So I had breakfast, I saw the ocean, I sat and thought about life. Luckily, Kateri’s birthday was the day for bawling like a baby so the last two days of my 3-day weekend were a little more manageable on the tear factor and I didn’t have to tell myself, “I don’t care if people see me crying on this bench… as I stare at the water”… while other tourists snap and bark at their partners because they aren’t holding the paper doll cutout correctly while posing beneath the memorial to fishermen lost at see! I mean, I got emotional here and there, but it has been a much mellower couple of days.

      This whole gig is just a matter of getting through… of holding on until that one day… that one good day.  After one of those days came for me… I waited for another… and it came. I’m still in the time of “firsts”… birthdays, holidays, wedding anniversaries… the first March 20th without Kateri. As I thought about it on my drive home… from not taking Kateri to the ocean… I realized all these firsts are basically the same on some levels… and on the most basic level.  “Widower Day 1” came the day after Kateri passed away.  Just the same as “Widower Day 244” came the day after Christmas or Day 211 showed up right after Thanksgiving… and 156 didn’t care that our wedding anniversary was on 155. Some dates are harder than others, sometimes the emotions are a bit much, sometimes the date has nothing to do with the emotions!… but it’s all a challenge…….. and tomorrow is still gonna come. Although I would not say I have a bad life, the hope is that tomorrow is in some small way… just a little bit better.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • A men’s rest area bathroom on a Tuesday morning reminds me of why I will never have a roommate… the noises alone!
      • I didn’t really think about the fact that I took my drive on the last day of winter… I just kinda like the attachment to the whole “change of season” thing.
      • I don’t know how I feel about this, but I found myself bobbing my head to… The Jonas Brothers.
      • The snow is melting! I’m so excited to hang out in my garage!… and I just can’t hide it.img_4562
      • I’m up to between 3 or four pints of ice cream a week… finally might need to cut back a bit… but the shit keeps calling me man!
      • PS-I was gonna go to the ocean on Monday… but a half hour in I realized I had forgotten Kateri.  Yup, the brain has been a little scattered.
      • PPS-My buddy replenished the “pill” supply… I love that man.

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      Posted in cancer, grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 1 Comment | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 325… Straight up.. St. Patrick’s Day/Kateri’s Birthday=Long Post.

      Posted at 7:44 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on March 17, 2019

      img_4484“YOU’RE AS OLD AS JESUS!”… Kateri loved to take advantage of any opportunity where she was able to say that. If it was someone’s birthday and they were turning 33… well, she would start with a, “Happy Birthday!”… and finish with, “You’re as old as Jesus!”… and then the birthday boy or girl would stare at us like, “What…?”. Now, I’m not a religious man and although Kateri grew up Catholic (she said she was a “Recovering Catholic”), she wasn’t very religious… spiritual, but not religious. So the addition of Jesus into the well wishing on birthdays is kind of a conundrum to me of how and why it started, but really it was just a fun little quirky thing that she brought into my life… that has been there over the years… that has put smiles on friend’s and strangers’ faces… and something I will probably say to every 33 year old I cross paths with on their birthday till my birthdays stop coming. (ps-I guess JC died at 33… how’s that to make you feel unaccomplished in life?! Jesus… he was a go getter!)

      img_4489It seemed only natural to incorporate the whole “You’re as old as Jesus!” into the day when Kateri turned thirty-three.  We were working in Burlington slinging “breads”… pizza… and we were renting a little cottage in the Green Mountains 50 minutes away that looked at the back side of Mad River Glenn. Life was starting to roll… we were at that stage in life where old friendships were solidified in their place and we were meeting wonderful new people to start new friendships with… people who became a part of our family.  I wanted to capture some of those people… some of those memories from “When we were younger” to look back upon… decades down the road.img_4485  So I asked a friend to make a sign and I drove that sign to other friend’s houses and to their places of employment. I carried it with me in case I ran into someone on the road so that I could snap a picture of them holding it and wishing Kateri a “Happy… you are as old as Jesus… Birthday!”. I developed the pictures (yes, they were taken with a camera… with film) and grabbed a stupid little photo album to put them in.  When I gave it to Kateri I watched the corners of her mouth turn upwards to a smile as she flipped through the pics and saw her friends and their well wishes.  With every turn of the page, I got to see that simple smile turn into pure innocent love for the people who were holding that cardboard sign. Unfortunately, since that album was made, we only got a decade and a bit under our belts to do the whole “Remember when” thing together… to reminisce about turning thirty-three.  Now I use the gift I gave her not so much to remember our friends… but to remember Kateri… and she’s not even in the album.

      img_4491
      img_4493
      img_4492
      img_4490

      A year ago, our house was filled with some of the most amazing and wonderful people in our lives.  With family… with friends. It was the end of February, right after Kateri was discharged from the hospital after her colon had given out… and she was taking 135 milligrams or so of steroids to keep her going.  That is when I witnessed Kateri accepting what the reality of the situation was… that she was probably going to die.

      I had been sleeping in the spare bedroom because she needed space in our bed to be comfortable.  On Sundays I would wake up, grab a couple cups of coffee, get her pill regiment ready in the fancy little dish that her father had given her and place it on the tray with her breakfast of Cheerios and almond milk… in the specific little glass pitcher because it held the perfect amount… and bring it all up to the bedroom so that I could crawl into bed with her… and we could just be together (I’ll admit… it kinda sucks writing this in our bed… on Sunday morning).

      Her brother had called this one morning and we were all talking about him coming out for a visit, that maybe it would work out so he could be here for her birthday.  This is when Kateri said, “I think I wanna have a party.”  I just looked at her… scared shitless… and said, “But you don’t like parties?”… and it hit me. Kateri knew what was up.  And now I knew that Kateri knew what was up. On the inside… it destroyed me. Kateri didn’t want to party because it was St. Patty’s Day or to celebrate her birthday.  Kateri wanted to see people she loved… she wanted to hug them… she wanted them to be in her home… she wanted to hold them one more time because she knew time was running out.  So, we had a party in our little red schoolhouse on St. Patty’s Day 2018… we had a birthday party for Kateri.

      Although Kateri never really cared for parties, she loved her birthday and we always took time to celebrate it… usually with a trip to the ocean. Good thing about traveling to the coast of Maine or Massachusetts in March… hotels are inexpensive! And if your birthday is on St. Patty’s Day?… there’s usually music or festivities going on somewhere.  One year, we were eating breakfast at George’s in Gloucester (go there… the people are fantastic)… it was St. Patty’s Day… and Kateri and the dude cooking breakfast didn’t agree with the selection of Irish music that the owner had chosen. So Kateri and the dude persuaded Dean (owner) to put on The Pogues!… which made for a different, but much more entertaining ambiance to shove hash browns in your face to.

      img_1832Sometimes, the plan was to just hang in a certain area and relax… or do something fun and fancy like go to a piano concert in some historical and beautiful concert hall or theater that overlooks the water. You know, pretend like we were fancy as we rubbed elbows with fancy people. Sometimes we would bring our espresso machine with us on these trips, set it up on the dresser in the hotel room, and drink cappuccinos on the porch as we looked down the line of empty rooms and listened to the water as it tried to run up the land… thinking about how lucky we were not to have to share the space.

      One year, 15 years ago, we went to the Dominican Republic! I had never been out of the country… except for Canada… which doesn’t really count… and we took advantage of the opportunity of having time after one job ended and before the next one began.  It didn’t hurt that we had also just gotten our tax returns!… so why not blow it?! Kateri planned it so that we would fly back into Boston and be there for the St. Patrick’s Day festivities.  Which, if you aren’t aware… there are a few Irish people in Boston… and they like to party on St. Patty’s Day! She wanted me to have that experience considering the fact that I grew up in Idaho… where yes, they party on St. Patty’s… but it just doesn’t compare! Unfortunately, halfway through our stay in The Dominican… Kateri started getting the belly cramps and shits… and by the time we were back in the states she was in no mood to party. That didn’t stop her from telling Alex to take me out on the town so that I could have my “St. Patrick’s Day in Boston” experience. So after some pizza and Survivor (he was addicted to Survivor… we had never seen it)… he took me out… and we got smashed… as Kateri was curled up on his floor in Cambridge… trying not to crap herself.

      We never actually found out what caused the belly issues… we thought it was the water! Unfortunately, whatever it was also decided to make her kidneys shut down for a bit. What a way to ring in your Thirties, huh! Although we never got an answer to what happened, she recovered after a stint in the hospital, we changed certain habits, learned a little bit more about taking our health into our own hands, and things kinda went back to normal.  (Funny how time makes that happen… returns things back to normal… or changes them into “normal”).  It was also the moment when Kateri really started looking at “alternative” medicine and found her “Witch Doctor” (that’s just what she called Donna… who she absolutely loved). After having a bunch of White Coats stand over her and just shrug their shoulders… she was done with them. Ten years later, when she was 40… she had to put her trust in the White Coats again… because that is when they found melanoma on her arm… and when this big ball of shit started rolling.

      I could write about so many of Kateri’s birthdays and fill paragraphs with stories of friends sneakily decorating apartments in East Thetford with green streamers or giving her gifts of jewelry like the necklace I asked a friend to make her for her fortieth… and then asked him to write a paragraph on the back of something which is the size of a dime!img_4149img_4151  I could write about the debates birthdays created between friends pertaining to when your “Mid Forties” start… and no, they don’t start at 41! There are a lot of good memories accumulated over the years I could share, but today is the first time in nineteen years that I’m not spending Kateri’s birthday with her… because life decided it was so… and presently I don’t have the time or energy to remember twenty years of good times that are simply all just memories now. That’s what I’ll use the future for… to remember the past.  Today… after I write this, I guess… I’m just gonna sit in the present for a bit and see how it goes.  Being a widower is rough… it’s hard… it’s emotional. Jesus Christ!… it’s emotional.  Losing Kateri is harder… she was a part of me… and still is… because I love her… and I miss her………. so much.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • Kateri would always make sure I wore something green on her birthday… I currently am.
      • The phone rang a couple of times and my cell went off with notifications from friends and family as I wrote this, but I didn’t answer anything until I heard my mom’s voice on the machine. It was perfect timing and I instantly fumbled for the phone.  I needed to talk to my parents. At 43… I needed to talk to my mom.
      • Today… I’m just rolling with it. I’m allowing myself to be emotional, to not worry about this or that for a day, to do whatever I feel I need to do at any given time. This is the only “First Birthday as a Widower” I will have to go through so right now I have no reference.  I figure, if I have no idea of what to expect… might as well just go for the ride… and hopefully enjoy the relief after I realize I made it through the loopy loos with just some tears… and not throwing up or going off the tracks!
      • Being sad sucks… it sucks balls.
      • Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
      • Happy Birthday Kateri! (I don’t know how I feel when people do shit like this… wish their deceased a Happy Birthday and all… but I did it anyways)

      (I was gonna post a video here of me reading this blog post… but it was like 10 minutes long… and I haven’t figured out how to get videos like that from one place to another!)

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      Posted in anniversary, cancer, grief, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 2 Comments | Tagged anniversary, cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, melanoma, mourning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 323… it’s Friday… and that has nothing to do with this post.

      Posted at 8:53 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on March 15, 2019

      img_4392I had to leave work early today.  I knew when I was driving in at 7:24am that I probably wasn’t gonna make it that long. I knew at 6:50am that I was probably gonna be useless.  As well as at 6:15am when the first harp started the progression from a musical instrument made to create beautiful sounds… to a car horn made to scare the shit out of someone who is unaware of the tin can behind them. It’s my version of the “Sunrise Alarm”… something which I will never own.

      At 5:04am, when I woke up in Kateri’s chair, I really just didn’t want to go to work.  But… you know… sometimes we have to do things even if we don’t want to… so I bounced my way up to bed, to at least get the feeling of waking up under the cozy covers!   Wrapped in perfectly weighted sheets and blankets with just the right amount of chill in the air… yes please!  And just made better by the pressure on the feet and ankles from the king size duvet. (Which… FYI… doesn’t help the “Seize the Day!” motivational side of things) A duvet that somehow got packed into our belongings when we were leaving a ranch gig over a decade ago.  And by “somehow”… I mean “Kateri stole it”. (Now before you judge us too hard… the people were dishonest, disrespectful, assholes who used inappropriate words and sometimes threw temper tantrums… just take my word for it. Ya, ya, ya… they had some good qualities too, but c’mon… there are some things you just don’t do… or say)

      The last little stretch (week… and a half… ish) has been kinda rough for me.  Kateri’s birthday is coming up on Sunday… St. Patty’s… and I think it’s been bringing up a lot of things.  I’m gonna write something on her birthday so I’m not gonna get into that right now, but Kateri loved being half Irish and being born on St. Patty’s Day. Her birthday had a big role in her life… and it was a big part of ours’s, as well. These types of dates… the “first ones as a widower” types… are always emotional to some degree or another, but I think this one kinda put me in a funk. It has made me miss Kateri more… because there is so much attached to the day… the memories… the meanings. I’ve been emotional… I’ve been sad… and I’ve been crying a lot. I’ve been crying… more.  It’s somewhat annoying.

      Part of what I’m having a hard time with is the “All-Inclusive Experience” being a 6c58dbed-8b08-4c7a-95b0-557042579241widower provides.  It’s relentless.  The brain just doesn’t stop.  There are periods where I can balance the “loss” and “living”. There have been times where “living” overshadowed “loss”! Other times… not so much. Right now, it just so happens to be a “loss” time. Yes, there is still “living” happening… just not a ton… and mostly in comfy clothes.

      There is a numbness I have felt all through this, a kind of floating/zombie like thing.  It was definitely stronger at the beginning, but I have noticed that it’s still there.  Once in a while it will go away when I’m focused on something like snowshoeing, work, or eating Chinese food, but it’s still present.  It’s a fog that doesn’t allow me to see things.  I can tell that the light hitting the naked birch trees from the west and casting shadows on the snow covered ground is a beautiful sight out my windows, but it just doesn’t impress me the way it used to. I have stood between the schoolhouse and the chicken coop to watch the sun go down… and the sunsets were gorgeous, but then they end and I’m like, “Yup, that was a sunset.”.   Of course, one time I turned my head and saw all the ladies huddled in the corner of their yard next to the coop and the picture it provided me brought up so many memories of Kateri… good memories… fun memories of chickens in trucks, on decks, and in bathrooms… that I realized I sorta rely on them when I feel lost and lonely.  They help me temporarily clear a bit of fog and see a little bit of beauty. And then I get closer to the coop and remember that they also crap everywhere and are pretty much just looking to me for food… and water.

      Although I talk to the chickens every day, I haven’t really talked to many people… or been social. I’ve been keeping to myself lately.  Not really sure why… just have been.  I’ve had ambitions to go out n about… to drive up to BTown and drop off a thank you “card”… to ask a friend about engraving something… to randomly stop by a friend’s work in Essex and snag a hug… to see a friend who’s doing his dance with cancer… and to give him a hug. I wanted to stop by a studio… a kitchen… a restaurant.  I actually drove up there… it was a beautiful drive… and then never got out of the Jeep except to get some gas.  On the way home I wanted to stop by a friend’s soon to be restaurant!… didn’t even do that.  I had intentions!… of course, intentions only go so far when it comes to seeing people. Yup… I’m a jerk and didn’t even say hello!

      (A jerk is a tug, a tug is a boat, a boat goes in water, water is nature, nature is beautiful… thanks for the compliment!)

      img_4460Well there… all of that sad shit just to get to a point where I could raise my spirits by giving myself a compliment! In actuality, I don’t need to give myself compliments to try and make myself feel better.  I’m a lucky person and have some good people in my life who are supportive, loving, and fun. There are a shit ton of things in my life that I am grateful for.  There are a lot of good things in my life… many more than horrible ones.  The horrible ones are just… well… kinda gross.  This is a hard experience to go through and there are a lot of challenges, but people have been going through it ever since the first Pat fell in love with the first Pat… first Pat loved first Pat back… and then first Pat died from Metastatic Melanoma in the brain… with mutations. People survive death. It just kind of sucks that it’s a part of the gig.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • It’s good to know people who can make pork and shrimp dumplings… and who bring them to your house… who eat them with you… and then leave you big bags of them. I’m in a pattern of 5 a night.
      • The snow is definitely melting.  Kateri would want me to hook up the sump pump… I should probably do that.
      • I miss holding Kateri’s hand… always on her right… as we made fun of couples doing the uncomfortable walk. (It’s not comfortable… don’t do it… your partner will thank you. They don’t think it’s comfortable either… they’re just being nice)
      • I have a hard time watching anything about losing a spouse/partner/parent/kid.img_4465  New show on Netflix?… nope! Hell, I’m getting emotional during sitcoms about high school kids, puberty, and first loves!
      • There are four packages of pills (Smarties) left in the house…  I don’t know how I feel about that. (I know there are only two in the picture… I put two next to Kateri on the jelly cupboard… just because)
      • I still can’t make myself go to bed. I always plan to hit the hay early… I just don’t.
      • Smoliver… I miss Kateri calling him Smoliver… and all her little nicknames for people she loved.

      IUBVE8087

      ps. share if you want.

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      Posted in cancer, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 7 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, melanoma, mourning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 313… Love Strings.

      Posted at 1:29 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on March 5, 2019

      img_4343.jpgI slept in until 9:24. Well, I first woke up at 5:04am on the couch.  One of those open my eyes… realize I’m still downstairs… check my phone to see what time it actually was… and then listen to the Smarties that were on my belly… from when I fell asleep… four hours earlier… roll across the hardwood floor as I stumbled to throw a couple of logs on the fire… before I stumbled up the stairs and flopped into bed. It’s a pretty normal occurrence these days on my Fridays (your Mondays)… the pile of Smarties just hanging out on my belly for 4 hours… not so much. For whatever reason, I have a tendency to want to stay up late… and if I have the next day off… helloooo couch-bed!  I don’t know why I keep doing it.  Every night I say to myself, “I should go to bed earlier!”… but I don’t listen.

      Today… I just needed to catch up on some much needed shut eye.  I haven’t been getting much shut eye this week.  Work has provided some challenges recently and I have been in one of those “Sad/What am I gonna do?/What do I want to do?” cycles… which has been a fun combination to try and navigate… without losing my shit.  I’ve done pretty well, but I think it mainly has to do with the fact that my perspective on life has been changed so drastically since the loss of Kateri… my perspective on what is important… that I kinda have been floating through it in a numb state… with a laissez faire attitude.  Of course, chaos and heartache are still taking turns giving me noogies.

      54648317156__b0f88c47-92b0-4b26-9264-2f80ee161f42

      Who’d a thunk this would provide so many great memories?!

      I’ve come to expect the unexpected emotional roller coaster, which sounds like it would make it easier to deal with situations when they arise… but sometimes those unexpected emotions are REALLY unexpected… like when I’m trying to free up space on my phone by deleting pictures and I come across the one taken on April 26, 2018… four days after Kateri passed… of her hair stuck to the side of the downstairs shower that we had been using since we were still trying to remodel the one upstairs at the time of her passing.

      I remember that moment from ten and a half months ago. I saw that clump of hair… of her hair… right there!  A physical part of her that I could see and touch… just hanging out on the side of the shower… and I wanted to hold on to how that made me feel.  I guess that meant I needed to take a picture of it… so that I could go through all that again 10 and a half months later when I needed more storage on my phone.

      In a previous life, a life before cancer, I wouldn’t have thought anything about it.  I would’ve grabbed some TP (I don’t know why I never just used my fingers… it’s just hair) and thrown away the clump of hair.  This time… that clump of hair had significance… much more than I ever expected a clump of hair to have!  It was a physical reminder of our life together.  It was the catalyst to my brain remembering when I would pull a piece of hair off of my shoulder… or out of my much shorter beard… and Kateri would say, “Those are my Love Strings!”. Man I miss those Love Strings.

      Other times, after Kateri would drag her fingers through her hair and she was left with a nest of black, silver, and grey Love Strings… and she would make a little bow out of them. I remember some of her siblings… one in particular… being somewhat grossed out by these festive little hairy homemade neckties. So, over the years, we had done what we needed to do… and from time to time would mail them to her.  I mean, who wouldn’t get excited about getting a clump of hair in the mail!… in the shape of a bow! At the time, it was just a funny kinda thing.  Nowadays, it’s a wonderful memory of Kateri that puts a smile on my face… I mean, once I finish with the waterworks… because I even miss the clumps of hair in the shower.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I honestly don’t know if I’m repeating myself with a lot of this stuff. I tried going back and seeing some of the things I had written before on this ol’ blog… but that was a little rough… so I stopped it.  Awe… memories.
      • I sometimes worry about “What if this breaks or that stops working?”. I simply just don’t wanna have to deal with it. I don’t wanna be forced to have to deal with a lot of things… but I am… and I do.
      • Mary J. Blige has been the recent “go to” music station.  You just can’t help at least bobbing your head when Family Affair comes on.  (And just now I remembered when Kateri wanted that song on the play list for when we threw her “Kateri’s Kick-Ass Party”.  Either she or Maria wrote it down next to all the other songs Kateri had picked out)img_4337
      • The Smarties are almost all gone.  I saved two rolls and set them next to Kateri on the jelly cupboard… she loved her “pills”.
      • I still sit in my car… sometimes for a while… when I first get home.  If I glance at those big schoolhouse windows and lose my shit because it reminds me of how good life was not so long ago… I sit a little longer.
      • Recently, I’ve been crying a bit more… the quick and intense kinda crying… mainly 57334671038__390d2704-bee2-4386-a18f-adc0f8f4ba40at home in the schoolhouse… and then I move on.
      • I finally washed the three dozen eggs that have been hanging out on my counter.  I may not be right on top of everything… but everything still seems to be getting done! (and I should start eating eggs)
      • I’ve realized I’m probably gonna go through some strange shit for the next couple of months… with Kateri’s birthday coming up on St. Patty’s Day… and the  1st anniversary of her passing in April.  You know… those types of dates. (That might explain some of the things I’m feeling!)
      • All in all, though… life is better than bad.

       

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      Posted in cancer, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 1 Comment | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, love strings, marriage, mourning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 312… A draft I found from 246… 3ish days after Christmas.

      Posted at 11:06 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on March 4, 2019

      66 Days late… but it still looks like Christmas! Well, minus the tree, presents, ceramic villages, big red bows, Christmas cookies, kinda creepy/kinda fantastic little wooden Carolers, stockings, Christmas lights… besides the ones lighting up the chicken coop!, ornaments, Elf, and fried dough. So really… there’s just a lot of snow… and it’s cold.  Both of which I’m fine with. The wood stove helps.

      I opened my computer to make some notes of things I didn’t wanna forget… and then found this little gem… and have since forgotten what it was I didn’t wanna forget. I’m sure it was some sort of… “I was watering her plants and it made me think of when she would… blah blah blah” thing.   You know… when you think about how you can hear your wife’s laugh in your head… and then realize you will never hear it again unless it’s in some video or some shit. Or maybe I was thinking about Kateri and her invisible suit. The one she would put on when she didn’t want anyone to see her… at least the people she didn’t want to see. I would look over at her in the passenger seat as she scanned out the window for possible unwanted sightings… from unwanted people.  She seemed so innocent to me at those times. She was like a kid. She found enjoyment in pretending that people couldn’t see her… all because of her invisible suit.  And that smile when we got through town?!  Hell, Kateri’s smile… and that laugh!… simply beautiful.

      All of that to say I saw this draft and just wanted to make sure it made itself onto the old Bloggery.  Merry Christmas!… in March.

      Widower Day 246… First Christmas Alone… But Another One With Maria.

      I was gonna document on Christmas… but it just wasn’t the time. I was gonna document the day after… but then I de-Christmafied. Plus, Christmas was definitely one of those emotional roller coaster type couple of days that leaves you wanting to just lay on the couch and flip through Netflix for 73 minutes trying to find something mindless to fall asleep to. Of course, I have fallen asleep while looking for something to watch on more than one occasion. Long story short… Christmas was exactly what it was supposed to be… just not how I would’ve preferred.

      I’ve known for quite a while that I was going to be home at the schoolhouse for Christmas. After being in Idaho last year and Kateri staying here… I just needed to be home. I’ve also known that I was either going to be alone or Maria would be here… and thankfully, I got to spend it with Maria. Kateri loved Christmas… and if you threw Maria into the mix during the holidays… Hark the Angels I tell ya! Definitely “Festive to the Left!”. Kateri, Maria, and I have spent more time together during the holidays than we have with anyone else (in “Adult” life). For this Christmas… I feel Maria and I both needed to spend it together… at the schoolhouse.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • It kinda grosses me out that I can just hold my beard up to shave my neck… it’s getting hairy!… and I honestly don’t know if I have changed my razor since Kateri passed.
        • March 4, 2019-Ok, so the beard has… well… gotten longer. I was gonna say that I have definitely changed my razor in the last 66 days… but I can’t do that in good conscience. I’m not saying I haven’t changed it… I’m just not sure if I have.

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      Posted in cancer, Christmas, Uncategorized, widower | 1 Comment | Tagged cancer, Christmas, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 309…

      Posted at 9:33 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on March 1, 2019

      Sometimes… I think to myself, “I just don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”


      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I was forced to buy the 8 pack of soap. As a widower… even one that cleans himself regularly… it seems a little overkill. (yes, it’s non-hippie soap, but the only kind of non hippie soap Kateri would use… if forced to).

      (This is where I was gonna insert the artsy picture of the Lever 2000 eight pack sitting on Juanita… that’s the table’s name… with my cute little rubber duck in the background, but I didn’t know if you get in trouble for doing stuff like that on bloggery things!)

       

       

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      Posted in cancer, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 2 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 302… Ten Months.

      Posted at 5:31 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on February 22, 2019

      img_1599I’ve been on a little “lists” kick lately. I feel like there’s just so many thoughts running through my head… and I don’t have Kateri to blurt them out to anymore! That, in conjunction with the whole “feel like you’re running out of time” gig you get when life seems to be overwhelming… well, lists help me organize… and remember.

      There’s so much that I wanna do, but I’m in the time of frantically doing just a bit of this… and then just a bit of that… with long pauses in between. I look forward to swimming… and not treading water. Plus, it’ll be warm… because you swim when it’s warm… and hopefully without little blood sucking slimy things… they’re gross.

      So this is just me at ten months a widower… 10 months without Kateri… making notes of a couple of thoughts.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • Part of the pisser is that it’s all just kind of a big let down.  It was twenty years of build up… stopped in it’s tracks.
      • The image I have of her in my head… of Kateri in her hospital bed at Palliative Care… on that last day… has been the one that has been popping up… and then down I go with sadness.
      • Sometimes, the tears feel cool on my cheeks… I can see them weighing down my eyelashes… notice them drip through the beard… and it feels as if I just splashed water on my face… it can be refreshing.
      • I say, “Goodnight Ladies!” to the chickens. Every……. single……. night.
      • I’m gonna miss hearing Kateri say, “Go Speed Racer! Go!… Speed Racer!”… adding a cute little lispy thing… when she didn’t approve of someone’s driving. I definitely heard it the most, but that’s strictly due to the fact that we spent a lot of time together in the car. Much more than in other people’s cars. It’s a numbers game…and also, do not drive like Speed Racer! I’m more of the turtle. It was always entertaining for me when I would hear her start the little ditty in a friend’s car. Or if a sibling was driving?… Forget about it!
      • I couldn’t just throw away her shampoo… but now, sometimes I get a whiff of Kateri from my beard. That’s kinda fucked up… but at least I wash myself!… and have a vitamin enriched and rejuvenated beard that smells like coconut.img_1073
      • Ten months… 302 days. Sadness and pain has touched me on every one of those three hundred and two days, but so has love and compassion. Happiness, Joy, and Excitement poke their heads in from time to time… sometimes for a little bit… sometimes, for not long at all… but I suspect they’ll return for longer stays in the future.

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      Posted in anniversary, cancer, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 0 Comments | Tagged anniversary, cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 300… A Good Even Number.

      Posted at 9:06 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on February 20, 2019

      Straight up… just a list of things I’ve been thinking about.  300 seemed like a number to do something on! I mean, besides work, kindling, chickens, baths… well, bath. I took a bath… not the chickens. (It’s too cold for them to take baths right now… and they don’t have towels)

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I’m not going to experience sitting on my porch when I’m old… in the evening whenimg_4264 it’s cooler… and the sun is running to the west providing another spectacular Vermont sunset… and feel Kateri’s skin as she holds my hand.
        • But, I am going to sit on my porch when I grow old… maybe with a dog… I’ve always said with a whiskey (I’ll be real old… old enough to not be worrying about the booze! Probably worried more about “accidents” in public places and obstacles on the floor like… carpet)
        • Also, I’m still going to enjoy my porch while I have it. Kateri and I spoke a lot about growing old together… and it literally hurts to think about… but, I’ve got our porch now… today. I plan on having it for years to come, when I am old… and hopefully retired… financially stable wouldn’t hurt. Kateri would want me to enjoy our porch… and grow old… and I wouldn’t mind, either! So why not? The sun will always run to the west. Sometimes, it’s cloudy and it just goes from gray to black… good for scary movie nights.  But sometimes, as Kateri would say, it provides us with a Maxfield Parrish sky… and those show us there is still beauty in the world… and I’d like to see quite a few more. (I had no idea who ol’ Max was until I met Kateri… he’s from these parts or something… pretty pictures)
      • I’m never gonna have to go to a store in a mall to buy Kateri a hair clip as a stocking stuffer ever again.
        • But I am always going to remember which ones are her favorites… and for what occasions. (and they are currently in my bathroom… in her purple bag)
        • And I ‘ll always remember how she would joke that she could use the carved img_4266.jpgbone hair stick thing as a weapon… and TSA never questioned it.
        • Her hair in braids… two braids… after about a day… are still my favorite.  But I like the clips over the hair ties.
      • Kateri and I are never going to write our book, “How We Think You Should Raise Your Kids”.
        • But I’m glad the man and woman who were the inspiration for us to come up with a title for a book… while we were in bed… laughing at the situation… because we’re judgmental… I’m glad those people will always be in my life.
        • Kateri and I talked about a lot of things we wanted to do. We were dreamers.
        • No… we don’t have kids.
      • Kateri and I are never going to go to Ireland for a two week vacation… and never leave.
        • But I still hope to go to Ireland! (Don’t know how I feel about flying over water for however many hours, but might be worth it?)
        • Although I don’t really like being away from home these days… kind of my comfort zone… I still love a road trip.  Kateri and I drove across this country many a times and every time was an adventure. I love the short ones… a couple hours and a night… maybe two… simply for a change of scenery. I’m gonna keep having adventures… just not in airplanes over giant bodies of water for right now.
      • Sometimes, I can’t get out of the car when I get home and I lose track of time… then I remember I have ice cream in my bag. (Ben and Jerry’s… Mint Chocolate Cookie that day)
      • I feel there are some things that are kinda cyclical in this process… they come and go.  I’m currently in the one where it’s hard to look at random shit in my house.  A Shel Silverstein book caught my eye on the way to a bath… and I was just hit with memories… and sadness.
        • It’s sorta like walking around with tunnel vision… foggy tunnel vision.
        • Yup, took a bath. No bubbles… just a bomb. A bath will always remind me of Kateri.
      • I walk past shit all the time!… like past my destination!  Oh, you wanna go to the coffee table? Nope!… now you’re in the kitchen! Put wood on the fire? Crazy talk!… How about stare at the washing machine instead and try to figure out what it was img_4263you were actually hoping to do! It’s kind of annoying… but has also made me chuckle out loud a couple of times.

      Being a widower is hard, but losing Kateri has been harder (it makes sense to me). Either way… it’s apparently not the end of the world.

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      Posted in inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 2 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, widower, widower thoughts, widows
    • Widower Day 299… FB Thought I was Spam… I’m not.

      Posted at 3:21 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on February 19, 2019

      img_4254It was quite the psychological and emotional hit when Facebook started sending me notifications that only I could see my posts because I had “Violated Community Standards”… and then they removed them from my page.  Those little messages brought up all sorts of questions for me… questions about my blog and it’s content.  Did I infringe on some Trademark? Did I offend someone?… (Which I don’t really care if I do.  I just don’t wanna say something and have someone think I’m trying to be mean or malicious. I know I can be a jerk… but I’m really trying not to be!) Questions about technology! Did I not set something up correctly? Why do these sites/apps/corporations work together, but these other ones don’t? Where do I go for help?

      I’ve never really been a tech guy.  I can check my email on my phone, post pictures on Instagram and have them show up of Facebook. I’ve only seen Twitter because of this blog.  When I was setting it up, it asked if I wanted to link it to my twitter account… or create one or something.  I thought, “Why not?! That might be useful somehow, right? I can tweet!”.  So, I’ve now got the app.  I know I set up an account.  I know I have one Jamaican follower… pretty sure… but I haven’t done anything more than that! Haven’t even seen it for months! (You kids with your dancing and your Rock n Roll!) Kateri and I were just doing other things. “Screen Time” (besides the boob tube) was pretty darn minimal… compared to a majority of the country. But things change… and the loss of img_2692Kateri has had a profound affect on me and my life. There are things I want to do… and there are things that I need to do. If dipping my toe into the modern digital world will help me overcome some challenges and obtain some goals… well… I’m not afraid to download the app! (Until I delete it because my phone keeps harassing me that the storage is full with the gray bar… not the blue, yellow, or red bars… and I don’t know what “other” means… so I just start deleting shit)

      Now back to Facebook, Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning, and the thoughts and emotions that an algorithm forced me to face. Initially, I thought I had done something wrong like mention a card company… or boobs. Then I thought maybe I had said something or mentioned someone that someone was offended by.  Or maybe something was taken as a threat… like me mentioning I hope I don’t see certain doctors outside of certain walls… which I don’t. I had no idea how I had “Violated Community Standards” and it was frustrating trying to find answers. No, I don’t want to ask “The Community” how they had to deal with this same issue… I want to talk to the person/company who took down my links! I just wanted someone to tell me… specifically… what the violation was so that I could fix it! (Sorry, I’m getting all worked up!) It was frustrating, but my lack of computer skills, my limited social media/blog/internet skills, and Facebook’s limited communication skills gave me the opportunity to overcome a challenge. It also gave me the opportunity to see that people care about me and are there to help, to give guidance when I am faced with those challenges. That part was awesome.

      It was one of those friends who mentioned to me that after they had done a little research… read some blogs… that maybe Facebook thought I was Spam. Me?… SPAM?!… but it made sense. The social media world is all just algorithms… and I knew I had recently posted a ton of links to my page.  Plus, I remembered seeing a little “This is not spam” or something button, so I was just gonna go with it… and it made me feel better about the situation. When I saw that the same thing had happened to a blog I follow (From Cave Walls… I dig it) I decided that I just wasn’t gonna worry about if I had done something wrong or what not.

      img_2349I feel the need to share a bit of my thought process on Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning, the timeline, and some of my intentions with sharing the experience of losing Kateri.  At first, at the very beginning, it was as simple as “I don’t wanna forget”.  So on that first night, after I crawled into our bed for the first time in months… for the first time alone… I wrote shit down. Now comes a little insight into the mind of a widower… well, I guess into my widower mind.  When I first lost Kateri, right after watching cancer cause her physical pain and force her to live with an unexpected outlook on life… after seeing it create the worry in her eyes… and me trying everything I could to hold on to the last experiences I was going to have with my wife… I was confused, lost, scared, and felt absolutely alone. I freaked out. My brain was going 8 million miles a minute… but through the dense fog that cancer creates when it comes into your life.  And when it took Kateri away, for me it blocked out all those other good memories that were on the other side. Writing things down helped me cope with some of the ugly emotional stuff.  It helped me be reflective on this experience. It helped me remember. And I hoped it would help make room for some of the other twenty years of good memories.

      As I was trying to maneuver the gauntlet of grief that life had slapped me with, it also reminded me that I live in the real world and there are other challenges besides just the emotional and psychological ones.  I was worried about my future (even though the future was a hard thing to think about right after losing Kateri).  Through the thoughtfulness and graciousness of friends, family, and strangers I didn’t have to worry about the immediate future of my finances, but it occurred to me that I needed to figure out some way to make up for going from a two income household to one… so I thought about what is was that I wanted to do… and started flinging shit against the wall hoping something would stick. Hence, Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning. All I felt like I had was this experience… so maybe I could take it and turn it into something positive for my life. Maybe there would be people out there who were interested in what I had to say.  Maybe those people would get something out of me sharing what it was that I was going through. Whether it be entertainment, inspiration, reflections on their own their own lives, or just a check-in from a friend. I felt Kateri’s and my life was a good story… a very sad story… but a good one. Why not share it? I also wanted people facing adversity to see that they’re not alone. So I started the process with a blog. (well, I started by emailing Ellen DeGeneres asking for help, but she didn’t respond… so I went with the next logical thought of, “maybe I’ll write a book?!”… which also hasn’t happened)

      img_4257.jpgCreating this blog has been a learning experience.  It has been therapeutic. With each blog post I learn a little bit more about who I am, who I want to be, what it is I want to do, and how I am going to do it.  Every time someone visits Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning… I feel good.  Every time someone likes a blog post or leaves a comment… I feel good. When someone I have never met emails me saying that they can totally relate to my words because they just lost their husband or wife and it has helped them… I feel good.  This blog has led me to Widower/Widow forums and support groups which have been fulfilling, insightful, and have provided perspective… which has made me feel good.  So when Facebook’s algorithm decided I was spam and I thought I wasn’t gonna be able to share my story on the one social media platform I know… it was kind of a personal and emotional hit. Although I don’t really know where this blog or experience is gonna take me or what doors it may open or how long it will keep going… I do know that it feels better when 47 people check out a blog post than when 3 do! (That whole positive affirmation thing)

      The lesson I learned through Facebook blocking my posts (for whatever reason) was that I still have hopes and dreams.  They may change here and there or may be tweaked because of this experience or that, but I still have them… even on days I don’t wanna get out of bed or mingle with society.  I have been given a new life and I am in the process of relearning what those hopes and dreams are. I have goals… and there will be challenges I face as I try to attain those goals, but I’m not going to give up on those goals until they just aren’t a possibility anymore. Some of my ideas may just be pipe dreams.  Some might be straight up irrational.  But my life… this new life… was unwanted and unexpected.  So what do I have to lose?!  I don’t exactly know what I’m doing with this new life or how I’m going to do it, so I’m just gonna keep flinging shit against the wall… and see what sticks.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • Have goals. Have Hopes and Dreams. They don’t all have to be big ones. Hell, feeding yourself as a widower is a good goal… and pipe dreams are just always fun to think about! (That’s why we all talk about what we would do if we won the lottery!)
      • You’ve read enough… and I’ve gotta water plants… so I hope you have a good day!

       

       

       

       

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      Posted in cancer, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 4 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, grieving, loss, mourning, widower, widower thoughts
    • Widower Day 294… The First Valentine’s Day Without Kateri.

      Posted at 7:34 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on February 14, 2019

      img_4244.jpgI don’t remember if Kateri was coming home from the restaurant or from the art/artist/fancy store on Church Street, but I remember I was frantically learning origami so that when she came home and walked into the studio… which was above a garage… she walked in to her own little field of flowers… in February.

      It was 2002, we had just moved out of the thriving metropolis of Burlington (because trees make better neighbors), and it was our first real Valentine’s Day together as a committed couple. We had met in 1998 and were one of those lucky couples that were friends before we started… you know… doing it. The September before, I was living in Burlington after Kateri and I had driven cross country from Wyoming… where we met.  She was painting down south a bit since… well… I needed “my space” and didn’t exactly want to be in a relationship.

      That lasted 3 and a half months until we were talking on the phone one evening and she had mentioned she had been hanging out with this guy who was really interesting and cool. (Those weren’t her exact words, but that’s all I’m gonna say about him. Although, he seemed very interesting… from what I heard) At first, I told her that I needed a little time to process the information and to see if I could live in this type of scenario… I couldn’t.  It hit me… and it hit me hard. Although we were just really good friends at the time… that also had a little extracurricular fun once in a while… it was at that moment that I knew I didn’t want to live without her… and she was slipping away.

      So one evening (who’s kidding, it was the middle of the night… I was a twenty something cook) I sat at the little desk in the room I was renting with a forty of Foster’s, rain was hitting the roof and nose diving to the ground, and I wrote a letter to Kateri professing my love for her. It’s weird thinking about that desk in that room and all the memories that come with it, but none of those are really that important.  I knew at that moment that I wasn’t willing to let her slip off into the world and become just another memory of my twenties. I knew I wanted her in my life… I needed her in my life… because she made it better.  When I thought of her, images of life… of a wonderful life… filled my mind.  When I thought about a wife… when I thought about a family… when I thought of adventures and the mundane… I thought of her. When love hits… it hits hard… and I’m glad I didn’t let it just fall by the wayside.

      img_4250.jpgLong story short, we wanted out of the house, out of Burlington… we wanted our own space to start living our lives together.  We had met this kid in Wyoming, who was also a Vermonter, and he mentioned that his father had a home with a studio attached to it above the garage.  He made the introductions.  It was perfect.  It also helped that the giant house the studio/garage was attached to was empty… and on 28 acres. So when Valentine’s Day rolled around, I asked Steve (the dad) if I could use the bathroom in the big house so that Kateri could take a bath (it was a huge bathtub… and anyone who knows Kateri… she loves to take a bath… unless it doesn’t cover her boobs… then she finds that to be annoying… remember?). I got candles, some music, and all that jive.  But she was gonna come to the studio first… so I wanted to do something that she would instantly see… like fifty origami tulips.  Now, I wish I could say that I chose the origami tulip because I’m a hopeless romantic and there was some epiphany with Valentine’s Day, but it was really only because people give you things like books on origami for Christmas and we had a couple in a corner. So I thought, “Well, that would be kinda cool… and I don’t need to leave!”. So I started folding the bases of the tulips… and then the flower… then put them together and carefully placed them all over the studio to greet her when she came home from work. Side note-when you sorta just wing it, sometimes your origami tulips come with all sorts of colors and patterns.

      I know Kateri liked it. I remember she kept one of the tulips for quite a while… it would show up here and there, on this move or that. It made Kateri feel good to be shown affection, to feel wanted, to feel like a woman. Which sounds pretty straight forward, but she was a rugged bitch (her words), too. One of the goals our friend who made our wedding rings had was to make her a ring she could change a tire in… or maybe dig in the dirt… but I’m pretty sure it was a change tire. Kateri loved dressing up… once in a while. Put on the fancy earrings. Heals…. very once in a while. Kateri loved to dig in the dirt, wear overalls… T-shirts with Neil Young on them. She was strong and independent. She was also feminine and liked to be girly here and there.  She was absolutely perfect to me… the perfect balance… and I loved it when she had those relaxed, droopy eyes after sitting in a tub long enough that she had to add hot water and move on to Dinah after Etta. Kateri liked romance.  And I loved trying to be romantic with her.

      As this day has been approaching, I haven’t really had any concerns about what it may bring up.  Yes, it’s a little weird, but it’s just one day. Kateri and I loved each other every moment of every day we were both on this earth… together.  I know that if she is hanging around somewhere… she is loving me… and I know I will love her until the day comes that I leave this earth.  People in love don’t need a holiday to show each other how much they love one another… that’s what life is for… and everything that comes along with it.  Honestly, because of the last year I can’t remember many Valentine’s Days with Kateri.  Yes, there were dinners and sometimes a trip, but they blend in and get lost with all the anniversaries, birthdays, Easters, Christmas’… Wednesdays, Sundays, and the 7,300 other days we were in each other’s lives. It’s those other days, and the challenges they bring, that gives us the opportunities to show just how much we love someone.

      Boxes of chocolates and flowers are always nice, but when you are in the middle of witnessing cancer kill your wife… when you see the worry and the pain… when you visibly see the love of your life’s body being ravaged by something you can’t see… well, a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really seem to cut it… or matter. Those rough times are the times you show your wife you are there… no matter how dark it is.  Those are the times that test the “I do”… those are the times that hurt… those are the times when love is hard… and not necessarily always brought to you by Hallmark.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • Love gives us strength, inspiration, happiness… it puts a smile on our face. Sometimes, it also gives us a beating and punches that face… and it hurts… and we cry.
      • Love is in the eye of the beholder.
      • Love makes us do some pretty stupid things, but they’re in the name of love… so there’s leniency.
      • You can search for love… but it waits to find you.
      • Love comes in degrees… and from all over the place… sometimes when you least expect it… and from people you didn’t expect it to come from.
      • Loving Kateri is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced… because she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen… and I miss her.
      • Kateri liked tulips… but not if they were planted in rows.
      • Man… I wish I had a box of chocolates.

       

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      Posted in anniversary, cancer, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 2 Comments | Tagged cancer, grief, loss, marriage, mourning, Valentine's Day, widower, widower thoughts
    • Widower Day 292… A Year Ago, I Needed to Install a Toilet.

      Posted at 11:38 am by Darren Lidstrom, on February 12, 2019

       

      img_2157

      His and Her bags (ours) in the hospital room. The Green State Lager hat went with Kateri when she was cremated.

      It was around 6:30 in the morning and I woke up to the sound of Kateri screaming my name from the downstairs bathroom.  I had been sleeping in the spare bedroom because she needed space in our bed to try and get comfortable… to get some rest.  Hearing her voice, hearing her in pain, hearing Kateri calling for me for help will always be in my head.  I ran downstairs to her holding her stomach as she was hunched over, sitting on the toilet, dealing with pain in her guts… and she had been calling for me for half an hour. This is the moment that things got serious… as if they weren’t serious already.

      Kateri asked me to call her doctor… or the hospital… or anyone who may be able to help or provide some direction.  The pain in her stomach was too much to take so I made the call.  After talking to a Doc, we decided to try and get her to the ER.  I got her dressed in warm comfy clothes, started the Jeep, let it warm up, and then helped her outside.  She got in the back seat so that she could lay down… well, curl up and hold her stomach.  Once she was in the car, I ran back inside to grab something… her drugs, a bag, a blanket… I don’t exactly remember.  What I do remember is when I came back out, the door to the car was open, Kateri’s head was hanging over the edge facing the asphalt as she was dry heaving, and she had lost control of her bowels. So I helped her out of the car, held her and walked her to the front door, stripped her of her soiled clothes and threw them into the ice and snow covered back yard, got her inside, cleaned her up, got her into clean comfy clothes… and called an ambulance.  In the moment… I did what I needed to do.  A year later… it destroys me to think about her having to go through that.

      This was the beginning of seeing just how fucked up this situation was.  After half the day in the ER, after watching the nurses and LNA’s gag from the smell of her bowels losing all control for hours, after watching doctors poke and prod her while monitors beeped and alarms went off… after witnessing one doctor tell Kateri that she “needs to stop crying” (ya, I hope I never see that dude outside of those walls), she was admitted to the hospital because, from what we understood, the immunotherapy had caused her colon to stop working.  For me, I didn’t know if this was just part of the treatment, a side effect, part of what happens with cancer, something routine… or if I was literally watching my wife die in front of me.  Thankfully, I had two more months with my sweet sweet Kateri.

      img_2120

      My bed until the cot came.

      Because Kateri didn’t have control of her bowels, she had a room to herself. I guess when someone doesn’t have control of their innards and are shitting all over the place… they consider it a biohazard.  Although it was a stressful situation, although we were scared, although we didn’t really know what was going on we felt lucky that she had privacy… that we had our space to deal with this together.  Kateri did find comfort in the fact that she was in a place where there were people to take care of her and because of that, didn’t want anyone to come visit her… didn’t want anyone else to try and take care of her… didn’t want friends and family standing over her where she could see the worry in their eyes.  She just wanted to let the docs and nurses do their job… and make her better.  I’ve gotta tell you, having to inform your best friends… her best friends… having to tell family members that they weren’t welcome to see her because she wanted to be left alone for the time being… well, that just sucks… and made for some intense situations.

      Kateri was in the hospital for a total of two weeks.  During the first week is when she had CT scans, tests, pokes, and prods.  One late morning/early afternoon one of the docs came in to let us know about some of the results… another moment where hope is kind of hidden by the slap of reality.  He said that the good news was the larger tumor they had found had shrunk a little.  The bad news… they found nine more. This was after a radiation treatment and two immunotherapy treatments… consisting of two drugs at each treatment.  Cancer… it can chip away at hope.

      (I’ll admit… thinking about this shit, remembering this shit… well, I just lost my shit.  I mean like the loud, uncontrollable crying where the body shakes as your hands cover your face and it almost sounds like you’re laughing.)

      img_2134

      Monday Night

      Luckily, Maria had planned to come up for a visit during this time and Kateri only allowed myself and Maria to be in the room with her. I say luckily, because it had occurred to me that while my wife was having major gastrointestinal issues… we didn’t have a toilet upstairs because we had decided to remodel the upstairs bathroom before all this crap started. That meant that Kateri couldn’t sleep in her own bed… and that wasn’t acceptable.  When you love someone… you do whatever you need to do to take care of them… and I needed to learn how to tile a bathroom floor, how to do some plumbing, and figure out how to get a functioning toilet in a bathroom… while still working, still being at the hospital, still being there for my wife. So that’s what I did.

      img_2140

      Tuesday Night

      I think Maria got there on a Saturday… maybe Sunday. We were under the impression that Kateri may be discharged by that next Friday so I relied on Maria to be there with Kateri at night while I prepared the bathroom.  While Maria was here, I would go to work in the morning… briefly, then go to the hospital and be with Kateri while getting updates from Maria about social services, future options (Palliative Care), and to talk to doctors and nurses.  In the evening, I would go home and work on the bathroom until about 4 in the morning, sleep for a couple a hours… and do it again.  I was driven.  I was under pressure. I was stressed out and worried, but just kept going.

      img_2147

      Wednesday Night

      For the first time, I also called on a friend because I knew I needed help.  I told MPH the situation, Kateri may be discharged by Friday and we needed a toilet.  We decided that he would come down on Wednesday, we would figure out how to do plumbing (we took the approach that although neither one of us really knew how to plumb, together we could figure it out), and have a toilet in place by Thursday.  Well, Kateri got discharged on Wednesday. Luckily… again, she only had to sleep downstairs on the couch for one night because as friends and family were downstairs welcoming her home, getting her situated, putting sheets and blankets on the couch, supporting her… MPH and I were running up and down the stairs as we got ready to install a toilet upstairs (which I had to buy on Thursday). Thursday came, I went to work, went to the Home Depot, bought a toilet, brought it home… and we installed it.  Kateri slept in her own bed on Thursday night.

      img_2152

      Thursday Night

      I wish I could say that we got a toilet and things went smooth after that, but then Friday came.  MPH stayed Wednesday and Thursday night, and on Friday morning we took advantage of him being there (Maria had to go home).  I ran into town for groceries and to make phone calls to doctors and to Kureisha… the wonderful lady helping us with social services. When I got home in the late morning, I walked into the house, walked into to the dining room, turned to my right and saw MPH hunched over Kateri as she sat on the toilet in the downstairs bathroom, and he was rubbing her back.  This is another instance when I witnessed what truly good friends we have… what it is that good people do.  Kateri had fallen off the toilet, was in pain, was scared… and MPH was there for her. He picked her up and stayed with her until I got home… and then we went back to the hospital… for four more days.  This time, Kateri allowed friends to come see her… she knew what was going on… she knew it wasn’t good.

      img_2129

      Us showing off the new “slippers” to Maria

      Two weeks.  Two weeks of a twenty year life together.  I wish I could write about everything that happened in those two weeks.  About Maria and I doing a modern dance outside of Kateri’s hospital window. About roaming the halls of Dartmouth Hitchcock while on the phone with my mother and father as they supported me and worried about Kateri.  About watching the Olympics… because Kateri loved the Olympics. About interactions with nurses and the housekeeper whose family owned the produce shop in town.  About the support and time that my work gave me through those two weeks.  About family members showing up after they were asked not to and having to have those conversations in the hospital parking lot… and then better, but harder ones at their hotel room. About Leo leaving raviolis sandwiched between two crates on the porch so that animals wouldn’t eat them. About Maria taking Kateri on art tours of the hospital in the middle of the night. About the photographs and little sponges with faces on them that I put on the shelf for Kateri to look at. About the drug regiment that caused both of us anxiety for so many reasons.img_2165 About Kateri opening her eyes one afternoon as a new doctor came in to check on her and her saying, “You’re really good looking.”… he was. I wish I could share so much more, but it’s rough… and exhausting. Life is big… and it’s complicated.  Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes… it’s worse than that. Sometimes… for some things… they just don’t get better… no matter how many times you tell yourself that they are. I said it a lot… and it wasn’t true. We just weren’t gonna allow ourselves to give up. We didn’t want to.  We couldn’t… because that’s not what you do.

      That is what I was doing a year ago.

       

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I eat yogurt now… blueberry… even though I think yogurt is gross.
      • What if I slip on the ice and break something or get knocked out?  There’s no one here to find me.
      • A hospital at  3:37am is actually quite calming and quiet.
      • The crying is more sporadic these days. It doesn’t really matter to me anyways… I’m fine with crying… whenever… wherever.  I figure, if someone has an issue or judges me over crying in the coffee shop because I’m sad my wife died… fuck ’em. They’ve got issues… and don’t know what it means to be a man.
      • I still wanna watch a scary movie by myself… but haven’t. (I live in a drafty old schoolhouse in the middle of the woods… and can easily freak myself out)
      • It’s weird meeting new people who don’t know Kateri… or who have only heard of her.
      • Yup, still playing guitar to fill the silence… and because I enjoy it. I just never thought I would be trying to learn a Shawn Mendes or Twenty One Pilots song, but love that I learned Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car.  And no… I don’t sing.
      • If you are going through shit, just realize you are not alone. There are tools out there for you… and people. Use them.
      • This is a fucked up way to approach life, but… it can always be worse. Keep your eye on the positives.  They’re out there… just hard to find sometimes.

      img_4168

       

       

       

       

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      Posted in cancer, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 3 Comments | Tagged cancer, friendship, grief, loss, marriage, melanoma, mourning, widower, widower thoughts
    • Widower Day 289… and a video from 288.

      Posted at 9:34 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on February 9, 2019

      img_4214

      Yup… lost power.

      Soooo, I’ve been having a pretty “Widower Centric” week as I’ve been thinking about life and this blog thingy.  After emailing, communicating… and talking with other widowers and widows I wanted to post something specifically dealing with this type of experience instead of something that was just for myself.  I wanted to engage… support… show that there are people out there that know what you are going through.  Exactly what you are going through?… No, but losing a spouse is a unique event in a person’s life and unless you have experienced it… you don’t know the gravity it has on one’s life.  Of course, that is true to any type of traumatic experience… and they are all unique.  I lost my wife, but I didn’t lose my wife of 50 years… or lose my second wife to a freak circus accident after the first one died from a heart attack… or lose my wife, daughter, and son in a car wreck involving a drunk driver. (Another reason I am glad Kateri and I never had children… that would complicate things… as some of you are aware because that is what you are going through.) I don’t know what it’s like to go through something like that… but I lost my wife to cancer… and I know what that feels like. It’s complicated, confusing, and it’s… hard.

      In all honesty, I was gonna write this last night… well, I was gonna write something… but I got interrupted by Ann… a 70? something lady standing about four foot eleven who I had met caroling this last Christmas (because I went caroling)… knocking on my widow asking me where my door was! It was dark out and I didn’t have outside lights on because there’s really no need, so I couldn’t see her on the other side of the window. I’ll admit, it was a little startling hearing a voice talk to me as I sat in my chair watching a video I just made while being kinda lost in that whole experience. Yup, I almost freaked out! Luckily, I didn’t freak out because Ann was looking for help with a tree that had fallen, blocking her path home up the road just a bit. When I turned the light on and opened the door we realized we had met in December when we went caroling, so there was this cool rural small town comfort level thing… neighbor type gig. The tree was down because there was a nasty wind storm going on at the time… which, if you watch the video I think you can hear my drafty windows at one point! Long story short, white haired Ann and I pushed a 15 inch tree… in diameter… 90 degrees… with pulls, shoves, and a shovel! It… was… awesome! Ann and I are gonna go walking one of these days when it isn’t so nasty out.  Yup (again)… making friends.

      Anyways, this is me rambling for five and a half minutes about the nine month reminder letter.

       

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I just need to say that there are some great people out there being a part of “The Good” in the world.  With this experience, I am grateful to have been introduced to the Hope for Widows Foundation (even though I’m a widower), Herb from the Widower’s Support Network and the men making up that brotherhood, and the widowers and widows who are supporting each other on a few other social media pages I came across. Thank you.
      • I went into the downstairs bathroom and was reminded of Spider Joe… who lived in my downstairs bathroom for the first little bit of this new life.  He was named after the LNA at Palliative care.  Fantastic man… the LNA… Spider Joe was just a spider.
      • I haven’t taken my wedding ring off yet… and it’s not coming off for a while.  I figure I’ll know when.
      • Time still poses to be a challenge.  There just doesn’t seem to be enough for everything I feel I want and need to do. Plus, when I just sit there and stare off into space for unknown amounts of time… well, that takes time.
      • I miss Kateri. I just miss her.
      • Pros of being a widower… the beard.  It grosses me out sometimes, but it’s a great thing to experience… and you don’t have to do anything! You could literally just sit there in a rocking chair and BOOM… whole new look!… with snacks attached sometimes.
      • Aaaaand…. Goodnight.

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      Posted in cancer, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, videos, widower | 1 Comment | Tagged cancer, grieving, loss, marriage, mourning, video, widower, widower thoughts
    • Widower Day 283… Va(stay)cation, Remembrances, Piles, Atlantic City… and a Hooker.

      Posted at 12:16 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on February 3, 2019

      img_4116.jpgWell, I’m more than halfway through my time off from work for a week.  I had such dreams of grandeur when I first decided to use up some earn time for myself!… it hasn’t been that exciting.  It’s been good… just not that exciting.  At first, I thought I would try to drive to Key West and back, but I realized the end of January is a pretty popular time for people to go hang on a beach in the Florida Keys… and they like to jack up the prices!  Then I thought about hitting ol’ Ned for a few days, be back in the Rockies, chill with one of my best friends… but that “best friend” already had plans to be in Utah!… jerk.  (He’s not a jerk… well, yes he is, but not because he went to Utah… and I still love him). Soooo, I decided to stick around a bit, take a couple of short road trips, and attack a few things around the house I’ve been meaning to get to.

      The Jack Byrne Center for Palliative Care had a Service of Remembrance for the patients they had cared for in the last year and had sent me an invite… so I went.  It was a little strange being back in the space.  I had gone back a couple of times just to give the nurses and docs some pastries, muffins, and Danishes from work and to say thank you, but I hadn’t done that for a few months and didn’t realize all the emotions that would kinda creep up as I stood there listening to older people (not all, but a majority) read poems about loss and light and love and all that crap. It was a nice service, but standing there you are also reminded of some of the things Dartmouth overlooked when designing the place… like they have to wheel patients in through the front door… where we were all sitting/standing and listening.  Not to mention… they have to wheel people out the front door, as well… like when they aren’t breathing anymore… with a blanket over them.  Not the best sight to see when you are in the thick of losing the love of your life… or your daughter… or your friend. I mean, we all know why we were there, but maybe limit the “in your face” type things as it pertains to death.  In all honesty though, the care and support that was provided for Kateri, for her family, for her friends… for me… went way beyond anything I could’ve imagined for having to go through such a traumatic ordeal.  I am forever grateful to the care providers for the way they treated my wife and the people that loved her.

      After the service, I was approached by a nurse (Mary) who remembered Kateri and myself from the January before when we went to radiology for Kateri’s only radiationimg_4160 treatment.  She had seen the worry on Kateri’s face and gave her a little four leaf clover pendant/pewter thing because she thought she needed it… it’s still in the downstairs bathroom on a plate with some other of Kateri’s things.  I didn’t really remember Mary at the time, but I knew exactly what she was talking about because I had been seeing that little medallion every day for the last nine months and on the drive home it hit me… the memory of the day she was talking about… I could picture it… I felt it. It was one of those heart warming… and heart crushing things.  As a widower, you get to have a lot of those experiences.

      The lady that runs the Palliative Care place also approached me to say thank you.  When we were there for Kateri, there were issues with the Wi-Fi and very limited cell service.  As you lay there next to your dying wife and are going through all the fucked up emotions that a situation like that brings with it, it sucks to not be able to get information out to family and friends on top of everything else… because you still have to relay information. While we were waiting around one day, there were a bunch of… you know, important people walking around the facility getting a tour and my nurse friend pointed out who one of the ladies were… the one who made decisions… and asked if I wanted her to introduce us… and she did.  I mentioned to the important lady what the situation was, how not being able to communicate with the people I need to communicate with was just another added stressor on someone going through an already stressful situation. I wish I could remember her name because she was fantastic then… as well as on Tuesday when I saw her again.  In April, it took 45ish minutes for a dude to show up with a Wi-Fi hotspot for me to carry around so that I could always be in touch with whoever I needed to be in touch with.  On Tuesday, she thanked me for bringing up my concerns and informed me that because of my concerns, they have added a cell tower for the building and provide all the families with their own Wi-Fi hotspots.  It felt good to hear that they listened and acted on those concerns.  It makes me feel proud that I was vocal and because I said something there are now other people who are going through a stressful time… with one less stress to have to deal with. I’m glad I went.

      img_4122Wednesday I just took care of some normal everyday errands… oil change, clean the house type stuff, but on Thursday… I went to Atlantic City! (I’m not sure why there is an exclamation mark… it wasn’t that exciting) I knew I wanted out of Dodge, but wasn’t sure where to go.  I had never been to Atlantic City… probably because I don’t drink or gamble, but it’s on the ocean and it’s the off season… which means you can get an ocean view room for less than $100! Soooo, why not?!

      It was a nice drive down… I love road trips… covering ground. I wish I could say it was action packed, I won tons of money, and lived the life of a high roller… but that’s not the case.  I think I spoke with the security guards as I walked back and forth from my room img_4128.jpgmore than anyone else.  I did a lot of just walking around and people watching… took myself out for a steak. Did I gamble?… yes.  Did I win a ton of money?… no. Did I lose a ton of money?… nope! I gave myself a hundred bucks… and played the penny slots… in rounds of $20.  Luckily, I have some self control… and it helps that I have put myself into my own financial austerity since going from a two income household to one.  When you have the fear of losing everything already, it makes it pretty easy not to bet everything in the hopes of an easy payday… because most likely, it ain’t gonna happen!

      img_4127.jpgI’ll admit, it was kinda fun… entertaining to say the least.  The highlight was probably my last 10 minutes in the casino as I was calling it a night and walking back to my room.  As I was heading to the escalator, there was a lady at the bar who made a gesture towards me which caught my eye… and then she proceeded to the base of the escalators to intercept me.  Now, it became pretty apparent to me pretty quickly what her intentions were… especially when she said her name was “Angel” and was just wondering if I wanted to “conversate” with her?! “Conversate”!!… with her!! I mentioned to her that we could “conversate” right here and I took 5 minutes get to know a hooker a little better.  She was really nice, had been in AC for 7 years, she was from Alabama… or Georgia… or something, she didn’t like that there wasn’t much fully nude dancing in AC, but has also met a lot of nice guys! (I’m sure she has!) It was actually the perfect end to my night in Atlantic City… and no, we did not img_4126“conversate” up in my ocean view room.  Now, I don’t exactly have any problems with that line of business… it’s been around for a while… but I just don’t think it’s my cup of tea. (And I don’t want my ding-a-ling to fall off or feel like I’m gonna burn the house down when I pee!)

      I thought I was gonna keep heading south to Virginia Beach and make a loop back up to Vermont over a couple of days with stops in Philly, DC, and maybe Annapolis or something, but I just kinda wanted to get home so that’s what I did.  There were other things I wanted to get done on my time off… like get rid of the box of clothes Kateri was gonna donate… which has been in the hallway for 10 months.  I went through the piles of img_4148.jpgbathroom stuff from when we were remodeling the bathroom.  I hung the banner from Kateri’s Kick Ass Party (our funeral) which has been draped over the spare bed for seven months.  Basically, I’m trying to get the most bang for my buck with this time off so that I can hit the floor running when I go back to work.  I understand that this is going to be a long process… this new life… but steps do need to be taken.  Widows/widowers still need to live life and are constantly trying to figure out how to do that.  Although I’m in no rush to figure everything out, I do have a certain sense of urgency for some things… or for things I’ve just been meaning to get to. So I adapted to what I was feeling and came home to my little red schoolhouse in Vermont… where there aren’t any hookers.  (I apologize if we don’t call them hookers anymore… prostitutes?… ladies of the night?… rentals?… it’s not my area of expertise)

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • Yup, I’m in that time where I’m taking care of the “piles” of stuff that are in different areas of the house.  Things that widowers just don’t get to because they just aren’t that important at certain times.
      • I’ve learned that I am literally the second slowest driver in Connecticut.
      • Sometimes driving home I literally say “Fuck it”… and don’t look for deer.
      • I’ve been crying less, but I’ve still got my moments.  Those memories… the hard ones (last breath, touch of the skin, smell of her hair, Kateri’s laugh, having the love of your life… and then not) will always be there… and they make me cry… like I am right now.
      • As a widower you are constantly on guard.  You are aware that at any moment something may pop up that brings with it emotions and memories from the life you just lost.
      • I don’t really understand why people are impressed with beards. If you literally don’t do anything… they grow.
      • People from Jersey keep telling me how pretty it is… I think they lied to me… unless they believe power plants and traffic are pretty.
      • If you are going through shit… keep your head up.  If you know of someone going through shit… help them keep their head up. Sometimes the weight on their shoulders forces them to look towards the ground… and they just need help to see the path forward.

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    • Widower Day 273… Doctor… Doctor

      Posted at 9:28 pm by Darren Lidstrom, on January 24, 2019

      img_4069In the days after Kateri passed away I told myself I wasn’t gonna go to the doctor for at least a year.  The main reason being… what did I care if there was something wrong with me?  I had just lost the one thing in my life that I didn’t want to live without… yet that’s what I was doing.  So what if my organs were on the fritz?… or that headache was something more than just dehydration or lack of coffee?… or that pain in the tummy was more than just the Boston Baked Beans from the night before?  So what?  I was good with life and if life wanted to take me just as soon as it had taken Kateri… well, so be it… it was a fun run.  Now, I’m not a religious man, but in the back of my mind there was the hope that if something did happen… it just meant I got to see my sweet Kateri sooner. I wasn’t gonna do anything to hasten that journey, but I was comfortable if life handed me that card.

      Our life wasn’t perfect… no one’s is… but it was really… REALLY good… until April 22. Even when life was unraveling as cancer was taking Kateri away day by day… at least we were together.  We were doing what husbands and wives are supposed to do… be there for each other… hold each other… tell each other it will be ok… even when you don’t know if it will be.  After going through four months and three days of worrying… of watching… of watching friends and family come and go and to see their worry… of doctor’s appointments… of hospital stays… of ambulance rides… of colons giving out… of picking out canes or moving boxes next to the bed so that she could climb in all by herself… after April 22, I needed a break from the White Coats and I gave myself a year.

      Well… ummm…. that lasted nine months and 2 days… because I got the flu/sinus/head sickness or some shit and as I was curled up on the couch under a blanket I realized that I also don’t like to be in pain.  I feel the need to point out that catching some virus… of getting sick for the first time without Kateri actually has a ton more weight attached to it than the dismissive tone of the “I don’t like pain” comment (most people don’t like pain).

      Part of being a widower is all the firsts… and this was another one for me. I don’t get sick often, but in the two decades Kateri was in my life… I did get sick… and she was there for me.  This time, I was alone.  I had to make my own tea, draw my own bath (they’ve been fantastic), make my own soup, and get my own blanket. I also had to chop my own kindling, bring in my own wood, start my fires, feed/water my chickens, unflood my bulkhead… shovel out my bulkhead so that I could get into my bulkhead. Now, I’ve survived this little bout of the plague and have managed to stay on top of the things needing staying on top of… but it’s still a strange thing when these firsts come along.

      As I was laying there motionless on the couch… because movement just didn’t do me any favors, it hit me… I do still kinda wanna stick around for a while so I probably should take care of myself. Although I no longer have Kateri by my side and there’s that whole lost purpose part of this experience, there are still things in life that excite me and if I need to face this new life and all it’s challenges, might as well try to make the right decisions… like going to the doctor when you have questions about your health! And it felt good.  Well… I felt like shit, but making that shift in thinking… from no doctor’s to take care of yourself dumbass… was a huge moment for me. I mean, I was surviving… but I can definitely be healthier… for example, my diet hasn’t been doing me any favors, but it’s been tasty! (mmm, the gas station Chinese food… that’ll be hard to limit)

      Yup… so I went to the Doctor three months before I said I would… and then went to the Dentist.

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • I got nothing.  Really, now I just wanna wrap up in a blanket, throw something on the ol’ boob tube, and zone out for a bit.

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    • Widower Day 271… 9 Months… I Got a Snow Blower.

      Posted at 11:52 am by Darren Lidstrom, on January 22, 2019

      First…. I think I may have the flu.  Which is kind of a weird thing to say because I generally don’t get sick.  I don’t think I can tell you the last time I felt like smashed asshole… but I do. It’s a strange feeling not having anyone around to help take care of you when you just aren’t up to snuff.  Luckily, I do have some pretty amazing people in my life… good friends… who have already offered to bring me soup or to check in with me later.  I think I’ll be ok, though… I’ll survive.  It’s just an odd thing to experience for the first time.  Besides, it’s my day off… I’m ok with being forced to not do too much.  Hellooooo couch!… and Netflix! (well… and I guess blog thing, too)

      Last week a friend and I went to Farmway to do a little shopping.  We both had gift cards img_4094.jpgto use up and figured that was a good place to drop some dough.  Plus, my friend had never been there before so I thought it would be a nice introduction to a wonderful, local store.  We didn’t actually buy anything, but it was fun walking around looking at flannels (real flannels), winter coats, knit caps, work gloves, shoes, and messenger bags that cost 372 dollars (gift cards combined couldn’t buy that shit!). But it was seeing a good friend who works there and chatting with him that was the catalyst for me throwing a snow blower on a credit card.  When he told me that the storm this weekend was expected to drop about two feet of snow on us… my brain went into panic mode on how to get a snow blower to my house!… and no, Farmway doesn’t have snow blowers.  After the storm the week before… and my shoulders taking a week to recover… I was gonna do everything I could to not have to move all that white shit by hand.  I mean, yes… I get a huge sense of pride by staying on top of the driveway using nothing but man power, but I’m not THAT proud!  I figure, we (humans) have come up with machines to do certain tasks for us for a reason… and I was more than happy to figure out a solution.

      img_4088That was Wedensday.  It was Thursday that I jokingly asked a buddy to just pick one up and drop it off at the schoolhouse… 45 minutes north of him.  This is where I was reminded of just how many good people I have in my life.  I was actually at work when I texted my buddy and he, without hesitation, offered to meet me at the hardware store, load up a snow blower in the back of his truck, and drive it 45 minutes north.  So I quickly chatted with my co-workers, jumped in the Jeep, and zoomed to Home Depot to try and snag one of the last remaining machines.  It was a good thing we did it when we did.  As I walked in, so did another gentleman with the same thing on his mind.  This is where I felt lucky on the timing.  There were only 5 machines left.  Two were reasonably priced… the other three were twice as much.  I staked my claim on one of the lesser expensive ones… he took the other one.  It was at this moment that a wave of relief came over me knowing that I would not have to shovel my driveway… and more importantly the end of the driveway where the plow likes to push four foot high piles of snow, ice, and dirt that form a nice little barrier to keep out the riff raff.  Of course, it also provides a nice barrier for when you are trying to get to work at 5:30 in the morning.

      img_4097That was a Thursday and the storm wasn’t coming until Saturday night/Sunday, but do you think that stopped me from firing it up when I got home?… because IT DIDN’T! Yup, I did some snow blowing.  Plus, I wanted to make sure I new how to work it BEFORE the storm actually hit.  It would kinda suck to have a storm come through… to have a snow blower… and to have it NOT work.  Don’t worry though… it worked… and it was fun!  As a widower, this was one of those things that I viewed as an investment.  Not just in the machine, but an investment in my well being… in my life.  I am here alone now.  I need to figure some things out.  There are challenges and problems that I need to find solutions to and this is just one of those things.  It’s such a stupid little thing… getting a snow blower… but I can’t tell you how much it improves my quality of life (side note-I hate the term “quality of life”.. it just reminds me of Kateri and cancer because doctors like to mention it quite a bit).  I think about days like today. img_4108 What if a storm came through… I feel like shit… and would still need to shovel my way out?  Well, now I could just fire up the snow blower and make a path! It’s pretty exciting!

      Soooo, the storm came through… it was awesome.  There is just something about a blizzard.  I enjoy how big snow storms like these take center stage to everything.  It’s all anyone can talk about… everyone is in it together.  They also provide you with the opportunity to fire up machines at 5:30 in the morning on a Sunday!  Luckily, my neighbors aren’t exactly that close and I’ll admit… I don’t think it would’ve mattered if they were. Plus, it was fun.  So was the two hours of clearing the driveway and a path to the chicken coop… and in front of the chicken coop… and over to the potting shed… and in front of the mailbox… and between the house and the garage.  I think I made a good investment… I know my shoulders agree!

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • When you overcome a challenge as a widower… it makes you feel as though everything will be fine.
      • I still cry… a lot.  Pretty much on every day off… and 20% of the drives home.
      • You may be able to survive on Gas Station Chinese Food and Pizza… but it won’t make you feel good!
      • It’s hard living a life when you know what your wife’s last breath sounds like… it haunts you.
      • Someone left a note on the schoolhouse door saying they would be interested in buying the Toyota. I may have just gone from a 2 income household to 1, but that was Kateri’s dream car… so I don’t think I’m gonna sell it… even if it doesn’t currently run.  (Actually, Kateri’s dream car was a Toyota with a wooden bed!)
      • I love living in the woods… I hate the mice.
      • As a widower, being sick also brings up unrealistic questions… like, is there something growing in me?
      • It’s strange to think Kateri has been gone for over twice the amount of time as it took cancer to take her away… and it’s only been 9 months.
      • I haven’t been making my bed everyday… it’s not that big of a deal.
      • The nice thing to focus on is even though there are a lot of rough days… all the other days are pretty good!
      • I’m gonna go take a bath… maybe… if I get out of bed.

       

       

       

       

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      Posted in cancer, inspirational, loss, Uncategorized, widower | 7 Comments | Tagged cancer, friendship, grief, grieving, loss, mourning, widower, widower thoughts
    • Widower Day 264… I just needed to hear that laugh.

      Posted at 8:22 am by Darren Lidstrom, on January 15, 2019

       

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      Another storm came through. Soooooo… that means some shoveling. When I was done and saw that the piles lining the driveway were getting to be somewhat significant… it reminded me of the sledding run.  More specifically… that one run… where her laughter is caught in time.  If you need your innards warmed… or know of someone who does… this is the sound of simple joy, child-like innocence, and pure happiness in the woods of Vermont… in the sorta dark.

       

      Widower Notes n Thoughts:

      • Before, I kinda thought I knew what I was supposed to be and do on this earth.  As a widower, you have to kinda figure that stuff out again… you sit there and search for purpose.
      • I still don’t sleep much.  It’s not that I have a hard time sleeping… I just have a hard time putting myself to bed.  I think I just don’t wanna miss anything.
      • I’ve noticed that long beards shed… and makes it look like there is pubic hair all over your bathroom.
      • It’s hard living a life where you know what your wife’s last breath sounds like… you think about it… and hear it.
      • It’s been in the negatives here so I turned on the heat lamp for my chickens.  I know56875024246__c042741d-b955-4a41-a40a-0ac79b304dc8 they’re supposed to be tough and all, but I want them to be comfortable.  And if I have the ability to make them more comfortable… I should do that.
      • I have found that blaring Lady Gaga in your ears is a great motivator while shoveling the driveway.
      • Sometimes, I get sad and find that I don’t wanna do anything… at all… but then I realize there are things I need to do… so I do them.  Then, I remember there are things that I want to do and I find myself looking forward to doing them… and I feel better.
      • All in all, life ain’t too shabby… besides the whole losing Kateri thing… but I’m still plugging along.

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    • Widower Day 252… I guess I Needed a Lobster Roll

      Posted at 11:13 am by Darren Lidstrom, on January 8, 2019

      IMG_3970I went for a drive yesterday.  As a cook, you get to be lucky and have days off like Tuesdays and Wednesdays… while your friends are working.  I haven’t really taken any time off for myself since Kateri passed.  The time I have taken has been loaded with the heavy shit… 2 weeks after she passed, 3 days for Kateri’s Kick Ass Party (our version of her funeral), a long weekend for my parent’s 50th Anniversary, and a couple of days for Thanksgiving to spend with the fam in Boise.  For whatever reasons, it’s just kinda hard for me to take time for myself, so I have decided to take it when I can in the form of a day here and a day there.  Hence, I am currently laying in bed on a Thursday morning, the I Love NY coffee mug on the stool I call a nightstand (with a quarter inch of cold coffee in it), and I’m typing away… well, slowly… procrastinating the shoveling of snow I’m gonna need to do… again… while trying to capture some of the things I thought about yesterday on my drive from my schoolhouse in Vermont, through the middle of New Hampshire, to York Beach in Maine where I sat on a folding chair as it sank into the sand…. with Kateri by my side.

      I like driving alone because it provides you with a comfortable space to think…. warm, protected, and you have control over the music. I live in New England, so it also provides you with beautiful scenery no matter where it is you go. For yesterday, I just needed to decide if I wanted to take a left or a right when I hit 25. I thought Kateri would have dug sitting by the ocean for a bit at the beginning of the new year… feeling the battle between the cold wind coming off the water and the warmth of the sun as they collide on her face while the rest of the body is covered by layers of winter clothing.  So I took a right, took the scenic route, took my time, took the folding chair out of the back of the Jeep, and sat on the beach listening to the waves in the 32 degree ocean air.

      Once I had the destination, everything else just kinda fell into place.  The ocean… the coast… is just a special place.  We… and now I… have made the two and a half hour trip to the Maine Coast many a times so there is sort of a routine, I guess.  By the time I got to the Maine border I had to pee pretty bad so what better place to relieve that bladder pressure than the Kittery Trading Post?!… and maybe buy a new pair of boots!… or a hat!… or a flannel! So that was stop number one. I peed, but didn’t buy anything.  For me, it was just kinda nice walking around looking at stuff, being amongst “the people”, but being in a place where the comfort of anonymity is nestled between all those people. It felt good to just “mosey” around.  At one point, I did find myself walking up and down aisle after aisle of rifles and shotguns.  It was an unfamiliar experience… the sound of other customers testing the pump action of that brand new 12 gauge or sales people asking little old ladies if they want holster for the right… or left. I wouldn’t say it was uncomfortable (I have no issues with guns themselves… they can be useful and at times fun), but it was a little weird the nonchalance of the environment…. “just running to the store for a pair of long underwear and glock!”. Once I had peed and decided that I wasn’t gonna get a new hat… or Colt 44… I decided I should get some food before I hit the beach.

      IMG_3967I planned on grabbing some clam chowder from Lobster Cove, but they were closed until Friday.  So I parked on the side of the road, grabbed the folding chair, and walked across the low tide beach, plopped down in said folding chair, and placed the little jar Kateri was in down on the sand next to me… and just sat for a spell.  Although hoodie hoods and winter hats muffle the sound of the waves as they try to reach land, I could still hear the rhythm of the ocean and feel the salty air on my face as I sat there… once in a while looking around and wondering if there was anyone who could tell that I was crying beneath my sunglasses as my body sunk deeper into the chair. It’s not that I cared if anyone would see me crying… as a widower, you become comfortable with the fact that some emotions may bubble up at any moment… day or night… here or there… but it’s still nice NOT to be a babbling idiot in public or have a stranger stare at the frozen tears on your cheek or snot stuck in your mustache.  Luckily, not that many people go to the beach on a Wednesday… in January… so for me, the experience was just what I was looking for.  Well, except for the plan to smoke the joint that was in my pocket on the beach… Kateri would’ve loved that.  I, however, am too much of a Nervous Nelly to be so brazen with those types of things when I’m out and about alone.  Just another thing I miss about Kateri… she was the instigator… she liked to egg you on… she was the one telling you to “jump, jump, jump!”.  If you listened to her, she would provide you with experiences that you wouldn’t of had if she wasn’t there… like smoking a joint on the beach.

      Since Kateri wasn’t there to push me to do illegal activities on the beach, I got up out of the chair, picked up her little jar, and walked her to the water where I stood and stared