Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

Well, I’m more than halfway through my time off from work for a week.  I had such dreams of grandeur when I first decided to use up some earn time for myself!… it hasn’t been that exciting.  It’s been good… just not that exciting.  At first, I thought I would try to drive to Key West and back, but I realized the end of January is a pretty popular time for people to go hang on a beach in the Florida Keys… and they like to jack up the prices!  Then I thought about hitting ol’ Ned for a few days, be back in the Rockies, chill with one of my best friends… but that “best friend” already had plans to be in Utah!… jerk.  (He’s not a jerk… well, yes he is, but not because he went to Utah… and I still love him). Soooo, I decided to stick around a bit, take a couple of short road trips, and attack a few things around the house I’ve been meaning to get to.

The Jack Byrne Center for Palliative Care had a Service of Remembrance for the patients they had cared for in the last year and had sent me an invite… so I went.  It was a little strange being back in the space.  I had gone back a couple of times just to give the nurses and docs some pastries, muffins, and Danishes from work and to say thank you, but I hadn’t done that for a few months and didn’t realize all the emotions that would kinda creep up as I stood there listening to older people (not all, but a majority) read poems about loss and light and love and all that crap. It was a nice service, but standing there you are also reminded of some of the things Dartmouth overlooked when designing the place… like they have to wheel patients in through the front door… where we were all sitting/standing and listening.  Not to mention… they have to wheel people out the front door, as well… like when they aren’t breathing anymore… with a blanket over them.  Not the best sight to see when you are in the thick of losing the love of your life… or your daughter… or your friend. I mean, we all know why we were there, but maybe limit the “in your face” type things as it pertains to death.  In all honesty though, the care and support that was provided for Kateri, for her family, for her friends… for me… went way beyond anything I could’ve imagined for having to go through such a traumatic ordeal.  I am forever grateful to the care providers for the way they treated my wife and the people that loved her.

After the service, I was approached by a nurse (Mary) who remembered Kateri and myself from the January before when we went to radiology for Kateri’s only radiation treatment.  She had seen the worry on Kateri’s face and gave her a little four leaf clover pendant/pewter thing because she thought she needed it… it’s still in the downstairs bathroom on a plate with some other of Kateri’s things.  I didn’t really remember Mary at the time, but I knew exactly what she was talking about because I had been seeing that little medallion every day for the last nine months and on the drive home it hit me… the memory of the day she was talking about… I could picture it… I felt it. It was one of those heart warming… and heart crushing things.  As a widower, you get to have a lot of those experiences.

The lady that runs the Palliative Care place also approached me to say thank you.  When we were there for Kateri, there were issues with the Wi-Fi and very limited cell service.  As you lay there next to your dying wife and are going through all the fucked up emotions that a situation like that brings with it, it sucks to not be able to get information out to family and friends on top of everything else… because you still have to relay information. While we were waiting around one day, there were a bunch of… you know, important people walking around the facility getting a tour and my nurse friend pointed out who one of the ladies were… the one who made decisions… and asked if I wanted her to introduce us… and she did.  I mentioned to the important lady what the situation was, how not being able to communicate with the people I need to communicate with was just another added stressor on someone going through an already stressful situation. I wish I could remember her name because she was fantastic then… as well as on Tuesday when I saw her again.  In April, it took 45ish minutes for a dude to show up with a Wi-Fi hotspot for me to carry around so that I could always be in touch with whoever I needed to be in touch with.  On Tuesday, she thanked me for bringing up my concerns and informed me that because of my concerns, they have added a cell tower for the building and provide all the families with their own Wi-Fi hotspots.  It felt good to hear that they listened and acted on those concerns.  It makes me feel proud that I was vocal and because I said something there are now other people who are going through a stressful time… with one less stress to have to deal with. I’m glad I went.

Wednesday I just took care of some normal everyday errands… oil change, clean the house type stuff, but on Thursday… I went to Atlantic City! (I’m not sure why there is an exclamation mark… it wasn’t that exciting) I knew I wanted out of Dodge, but wasn’t sure where to go.  I had never been to Atlantic City… probably because I don’t drink or gamble, but it’s on the ocean and it’s the off season… which means you can get an ocean view room for less than $100! Soooo, why not?!

It was a nice drive down… I love road trips… covering ground. I wish I could say it was action packed, I won tons of money, and lived the life of a high roller… but that’s not the case.  I think I spoke with the security guards as I walked back and forth from my room more than anyone else.  I did a lot of just walking around and people watching… took myself out for a steak. Did I gamble?… yes.  Did I win a ton of money?… no. Did I lose a ton of money?… nope! I gave myself a hundred bucks… and played the penny slots… in rounds of $20.  Luckily, I have some self control… and it helps that I have put myself into my own financial austerity since going from a two income household to one.  When you have the fear of losing everything already, it makes it pretty easy not to bet everything in the hopes of an easy payday… because most likely, it ain’t gonna happen!

I’ll admit, it was kinda fun… entertaining to say the least.  The highlight was probably my last 10 minutes in the casino as I was calling it a night and walking back to my room.  As I was heading to the escalator, there was a lady at the bar who made a gesture towards me which caught my eye… and then she proceeded to the base of the escalators to intercept me.  Now, it became pretty apparent to me pretty quickly what her intentions were… especially when she said her name was “Angel” and was just wondering if I wanted to “conversate” with her?! “Conversate”!!… with her!! I mentioned to her that we could “conversate” right here and I took 5 minutes get to know a hooker a little better.  She was really nice, had been in AC for 7 years, she was from Alabama… or Georgia… or something, she didn’t like that there wasn’t much fully nude dancing in AC, but has also met a lot of nice guys! (I’m sure she has!) It was actually the perfect end to my night in Atlantic City… and no, we did not “conversate” up in my ocean view room.  Now, I don’t exactly have any problems with that line of business… it’s been around for a while… but I just don’t think it’s my cup of tea. (And I don’t want my ding-a-ling to fall off or feel like I’m gonna burn the house down when I pee!)

I thought I was gonna keep heading south to Virginia Beach and make a loop back up to Vermont over a couple of days with stops in Philly, DC, and maybe Annapolis or something, but I just kinda wanted to get home so that’s what I did.  There were other things I wanted to get done on my time off… like get rid of the box of clothes Kateri was gonna donate… which has been in the hallway for 10 months.  I went through the piles of bathroom stuff from when we were remodeling the bathroom.  I hung the banner from Kateri’s Kick Ass Party (our funeral) which has been draped over the spare bed for seven months.  Basically, I’m trying to get the most bang for my buck with this time off so that I can hit the floor running when I go back to work.  I understand that this is going to be a long process… this new life… but steps do need to be taken.  Widows/widowers still need to live life and are constantly trying to figure out how to do that.  Although I’m in no rush to figure everything out, I do have a certain sense of urgency for some things… or for things I’ve just been meaning to get to. So I adapted to what I was feeling and came home to my little red schoolhouse in Vermont… where there aren’t any hookers.  (I apologize if we don’t call them hookers anymore… prostitutes?… ladies of the night?… rentals?… it’s not my area of expertise)

Widower Notes n Thoughts:

• Yup, I’m in that time where I’m taking care of the “piles” of stuff that are in different areas of the house.  Things that widowers just don’t get to because they just aren’t that important at certain times.
• I’ve learned that I am literally the second slowest driver in Connecticut.
• Sometimes driving home I literally say “Fuck it”… and don’t look for deer.
• I’ve been crying less, but I’ve still got my moments.  Those memories… the hard ones (last breath, touch of the skin, smell of her hair, Kateri’s laugh, having the love of your life… and then not) will always be there… and they make me cry… like I am right now.
• As a widower you are constantly on guard.  You are aware that at any moment something may pop up that brings with it emotions and memories from the life you just lost.
• I don’t really understand why people are impressed with beards. If you literally don’t do anything… they grow.
• People from Jersey keep telling me how pretty it is… I think they lied to me… unless they believe power plants and traffic are pretty.
• If you are going through shit… keep your head up.  If you know of someone going through shit… help them keep their head up. Sometimes the weight on their shoulders forces them to look towards the ground… and they just need help to see the path forward.