Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

On Widower Day 137 I closed Kateri’s personal bank account.  I had tried to close it months ago, but going through an experience like this you learn about things like wills, probate, estates, and administrators… and it takes time when all of that is new to you.  I never really freaked out about not knowing how much money was in there or how many accounts she may have been taking care of directly from it because I knew there probably wasn’t much. I figured if she ran out of money… well, people wouldn’t get theirs. I knew I had all the regular stuff taken care of so I didn’t put much weight on the matter… or the additional stress on myself… most the time. We always had our own checking accounts, for no particular reason except that it wasn’t a thing to us.

$271.40 is not a lot of money, but that number holds so much more value than 13 twenties, one ten, a single, three dimes, and two nickles. Two hundred seventy-one dollars and 40 cents is the last physical type thing I will receive from my wife… along with the dinner that that small amount of cash will provide a couple of friends and myself. For me, it also represents Kateri’s approach to life and what she thought was important.  She (we) never had much in the way of means, but if she could give ten dollars to some firefighters or fifteen dollars to the Arbor Day Foundation… she would.  When the… let’s just say “jerk”… became president, I think she even gave some cash to The Park Service to help with the crippling cuts! She used money to live… to make other people’s lives better whether it be a friend’s, a stranger’s, a family member’s, or our’s.  It never mattered how much was in her bank account, if she could help a family member, a friend, a firefighter… she would. If she could provide a little bit of fun or a good memory or experience… she would. Christmas… everyone got something because she enjoyed giving it (She thought every kid deserves a present on Christmas). I guess it doesn’t really matter if we are talking about money, bank accounts, firefighters, friends, or family… Kateri genuinely cared for other people in the world more so than most people out there. She knew what was important. As in life, it’s not the twenty-dollar bill that’s important, it’s what you do with it. $271.40 wasn’t a lot, but it was enough… and much, much more.

Sooo, ummm, I had to take a break since it took me about an hour and a half to write this much and realized I should probably fill my mouth with food and swallow… Chicken Tacos tonight.  It’s really only the tenthish time I’ve cooked something for myself (like, actual cooking) and it’s nice to fill the house with that chicken grease and chili scented mist once again… while being on edge the entire time that the smoke detector will go off.

Ya, closing Kateri’s bank account was kind of a weird, emotional, reflective, and relieving thing.  And yes… she is awesome and giving and loving, but I hope you feel the same about the people in your life.  If you don’t have people in your life… these are the types of humans you should fill your world with. You need them when life sucker punches you in the chest. This has been the most fucked up thing I have ever gone through. Everything “means” something. There are soooo many “Firsts”.  It’s overwhelming to the point you just have to stop once in a while, put your hands on the wall… and wait.  Wait for the brain to make a decision on what to do next.  Sometimes, it’s as simple as take a step to the left… or to the right. Of course, other times the types of things that pop into your head are of the nature “I wonder what it takes to work on a container ship?” or “how long have I been standing here?” and “why is my wall sticky?” I’ve been okay with whatever the brain comes up with… I know I’m not gonna work on a container ship any time soon.  Rolling with life is still my plan of action and I’m thankful that Kateri and I have filled our life with some pretty amazingly loving people that make this experience a little less fucked up.

Widower Thoughts n Stuff: I just want to point out that although this is a fucked up experience, my life is good or, at the least, pretty decent.

• I have only a couple more pounds of Smarties… “Pills”… to get through.
• I did the dishes… do the dishes.
• I’m still afraid to watch a scary movie by myself.
• Patience… it’s a valuable thing.
• Once home from work, I have been doing a whole lot of nothing for the last few weeks. Literally… a lot… of nothing.
• I was in bed at 10:30 for the first time in I can’t remember.  It’s still usually a midnight… midnight thirty kind of night most the time.  I just can’t seem to put myself to bed for one reason or another. Which is stupid, because I’m out for the count once the noggin hits the pillow.
• There’s ups and downs, but mostly just a blurry view of the world as I go through it. This experience brings with it a numbing of life sensation… probably to help with the onslaught of… everything.
• Still not eating as well as I should, but it’s getting better… really.
• Still have four chickens. I don’t know if I pissed them off… but they seem to be taking a break from the whole egg production gig.
• The future. It’s always coming so I figure I should probably have a bit of excitement for it.  Well, for the good parts. Not so excited for the shit piles. They’re gonna come anyways… so we’ll all just have to roll through those as well… but I’m gonna focus on the good stuff.