I guess this is just me giving an example of why some people compare the effects of traumatic experiences to roller coaster rides. My last blog post was pretty darn positive… the good shit in this new life! I’m actually trying to be a pretty darn positive person… but sometimes things pop into my head on the 40 minute drive home through the vibrant green hills. Like memories. I’m gonna keep this short.
I had been sleeping in the spare bedroom for a couple of months because Kateri really needed the space to try and be comfortable. Somewhere in the last of month of her life, I was tucking her into bed when she said, “You can sleep in here if you want?”…. but by the time I was done trying to figure out hospital stuff, insurance stuff, cancer stuff, life stuff… she was asleep, looking as comfortable as she could be, and I didn’t want to do anything that would ruin that. So I laid on the bed above the covers, held her for a bit, and simply kissed her goodnight.
After that night… I never slept in my own bed… next to my wife… next to My Dearest Kateri. There’s a lot that comes along with a thought like that… a lot. Like missed opportunities… that I will never get back. Yup… just driving home.
Widower Notes n Thoughts:
- I absolutely love driving on a newly grated dirt road!
- There are more and more new people in my life… people who never knew Kateri… people who don’t really understand what I’m going through.
- I should have a piano moving party!… and a wood stacking party!
- I’ve started the process of fixing Kateri’s truck! Well, I washed off the dirt and talked to my mechanic. It’s gonna take some time… and a tow… she needs a little work. But she’s clean!
- Some plants need more water than other plants… but I guess they all need water!
- You can move inside plants outside… but outside plants will grow in the inside pots… which are outside.
- There are more spiders… than I feel are necessary… around my house.
- Wow… I’ve written over 57,000 words!… boy are my arms tired! (corny… I know)
- Kateri named the pillow with the flowers “Squishy”… because it’s squishy. When she got sick she would ask, “Will you grab Squishy for me?”… and I did.
4 thoughts on “Widower Day 485… the roller coaster and missed opportunities.”
The roller coaster is a good comparison. You took good care of your beloved wife and you know that. The yearning and missing and yes, sometimes beating yourself up undeservedly will surface from time to time. I have found it is best to just feel it, see it and let it pass through. Tough stuff, Darren. Hang in there.
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Nail on the head Maggie. I pretty much live life with the mind set that I can’t change anything in the past… basically… so things pass on through quite a bit. Just sucks while they’re passing through!
Thank you Darren,
Your experiences seem to parallel mine, almost to a “T”. I too was separated from Lenore during her last month on this earth…. I miss Lenore more than I would ever know…
Your previous post was very positive, but if you are like me, the whole “moving forward” and dating thing brings up a whole new set of circumstance and worry like; “What will our children say” or “What will Lenore’s Family think” kind of trippy stuff… I have met a person who is also widowed and Her story is almost as if we were suppose to meet…
Thank You for your writing Darren.
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Thank you for reading and being a part of my experience!