I don’t really have much to say about this right now… just thought I should jot something down. For me, the finding the mass in Kateri’s brain was the significant date. It didn’t matter what type of cancer it was… it was in the brain and that didn’t seem to be a very good thing… any which way you cut it. The diagnosis was three days after finding the mass and we new of the melanoma in the arm from a couple of years prior so it wasn’t much of a shock. The shock comes when you barely even scratch the surface on the information out there on melanoma… when it reaches the brain. You’re immediately thrown into a world filled with word’s like “Stage 4″… and “Metastatic Malignant Melanoma”… and “4-5 Months”. That’s when the shock sets in.
On this day last year, we had a diagnosis. We didn’t fully grasp the weight… the gravity of that diagnosis and I sure as shit didn’t expect to be writing about it at this particular moment in time… but we had a name to what we… to what Kateri was facing.
I remember we had hope. This is probably THE day in which there was the most hope. Which may sound weird to say, but every time we learned something new… or went and talked to the doc… or got a letter from this person or that… hope was just getting chiseled away. There weren’t any discussions of “Quality of Life” at this appointment. This was just putting a name to a face. A name we had heard before… and beaten. So yes, we had a shit ton of hope… and we had each other.
Widower Notes n Thoughts:
- I got what some might consider packages out to family today! It felt good to be a little Christmassy and out in the hustle n bustle.
- And basically… I didn’t do much else today besides pick up some shit… wash some shit… moved some shit… and burned some shit.
- I’ve definitely been in my own little world lately. This experience throws you a lot to think about… so I’ve been trying to give each thing it’s appropriate time. And sometimes I wonder how long I’ve been zoning out and staring at the corner of the wooden box.
- My little red schoolhouse for the village came. My… LITTLE RED SCHOOLHOUSE!! WE LIVE IN A LITTLE RED SCHOOLHOUSE!! I love that I found one for the village that Kateri sorta started for me. It seemed like the perfect piece given the circumstances!
- Get a real Christmas Tree… they smell much… much better.