Ummm… so, I’m not reading these notes until I go to copy and paste them each day. I just scroll on down until I hit the day and hope for the best! I’ve actually been doing pretty good with it. I would even venture to say that it’s kinda nice to revisit them. It at least keeps the evening interesting!
Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning
Day 27… alarm went off at 6:30am… turned it off until 7:30, got out of bed around 7:45am… yup.
Worked. Wasn’t really into going to work, I’ve been pretty sad and unmotivated to get out of bed. Once on my way to work… by 244, I start to feel somewhat OK. Limiting my smoking on the way to work.
Work was fine… Saturday. We had a line to the kitchen door.
a. I was just there… somewhat helpful, but I still don’t feel like I’m being very productive.
b. I saw Karen in line so I went to say “thank you” for the card. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy… special… that she would take the time. It gives me hope that KAF will be able to help me survive in the future.
Luke swung by to chat.
a. I thought he was coming home from Boston and that his family would be with him… wrong on both. He was heading to Boston for Binks’ graduation party… solo. Before I knew he was solo, I figured KAF would be the best place for all of us to chat. It was just him, which was perfect so that we (I) could talk without interruption.
b. I hadn’t seen Luke since before Palliative. I told him how I have been coping: projects, talking/texting peeps, working, can’t look at pictures, remembering the beautiful things that happened in this experience, trying to stay positive.
c. I told him how I have been writing and how it has been a nice release of emotions and energy. It has been good for me and also provides me with some hope that it may go beyond my computer. Hopefully, it will be useful to other people. I mentioned how I am thinking about a book and a blog. He said he could help me with the blog.
d. We talked about the Scotty story, Kateri’s last day, the day after. I was a little emotional, which happens when I get around close friends. I am so thankful that we were able to catch up, even if it was just for a bit.
e. He was in our wedding… a Man of Honor… if that says anything.
f. David texted saying he was at Farmway.
Met David at the house.
a. He grabbed the key from the turtle to get in since I wasn’t here.
b. I filled him in on where I was at emotionally and how I was coping with everything. Basically, the same things as Luke and I talked about.
c. We decided we needed to eat sooner that later and I thought we could go to Samauri… it’s close and decent. Went down Blood Brook to show him Raph’s house.
a. It was ok. Food was good, service was horrendous. David went up to order our drinks because we were sitting for so long.
b. Griffin and Celeste were there. I saw them when we walked in but didn’t say anything because I figured we would see them when they left… we did.
c. I hadn’t seen Celeste since Kateri’s birthday party, so it was nice to fill her in. Mainly it was how I was doing, which is weird.
We came home and pretty much caught up.
a. I told him about the Scotty thing and the Heman story from Day 1. Those are the things that help me push the dark shit aside.
b. The sadness of missing her is starting to set in and I don’t know what to expect from that, but I like to think that it is good that I recognize it… of course, I could be way off base.
c. I told him about Kateri’s last day… that was hard for me.
a. I haven’t had to talk about it for a bit but realized there are people who haven’t heard it.
b. It was hard, but I am glad that I can recall the day so vividly.
c. It was a pretty emotional evening between Luke and David, but it was also so easy. This is what I feel I need to be doing when the opportunity arises… and our friends need to know the story… at least as much as I can share with them.
d. Crying felt… not good, but better… or relieving.
Went to bed at 2:45am