Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

This was written on Widower Day 4… shelved… and will now start to grow. I started this list because I dragged my fork against a stainless steel mixing bowl I was eating a Caesar salad out of… and no one was there for it to bother… or have their body squirm and ears bleed with that distinct metal on metal scrape. So here is a list of random observances I have as I go through this process.

• I Have never gone to a movie alone.
• I Have never had a nice dinner alone.
• I can play music as loud as I want whenever I want.
• I’m fine with the phone ringing or my phone going off in the middle of the night.
• I can open my computer when I get into bed and it won’t bother Kateri.
• Beds are easier to make in the morning when only one person sleeps in it.
• Coffee maker in the bedroom is a good idea.
• Going from a 20ish-year life with someone to instant independence is a weird thing to grasp.
• Cremated people are heavier than you expect.
• Dr. Phil moments.
• Time… fuck, that’s a hard four-letter word to define.
• 4 days in… I’m feeling ok, weird but ok.
• I don’t need to put the toilet seat down anymore, but I still do and probably will do for the rest of my life… maybe I’ll start putting the lid down, as well.
• I would still rather hang with Kateri… she was cooler than the rest.
• It’s hard to remember the last twenty years 4 days after you lose your wife to a 4-month dance with metastatic malignant melanoma in the brain with a mutation… you only remember the last 4 months… it sucks.
• This is weird, this is now all mine… all of it. It WAS ours, but now it’s mine (beds, blankets, sheets, knick knacks, books, sewing machines, suitcases, book cases, bathrooms, wood floors, plumbing, tissue boxes, art, pictures, plants, pots, chickens.
• I haven’t felt heartache in 17 years. Regret, but not heartache.
• I can eat whatever I want whenever I want.
• 4 days in and I still can’t eat anything in my bed… that’s gross.
• On Monday, the day after Kateri passed, I learned again what it means to have a home… I learned what a home is supposed to be. I realized that this is my home… and I want to have people stop by, to stay, to gather, and to use it to remember Kateri. I need them to.
• When do you change the answering machine from “We’re not home” to “I’m not home”?
• I can completely shave my face whenever I feel like it.
• It’s been 4 days, soon it will be 5.
• Did I wish this? (the Dark Shit… it’s gonna pop in the brain… then push it out)