I thought I was gonna write something a little more in depth of what I’m about to do for the next thirty days, but it’s 11:41pm and I got home a little later than anticipated… and I’m… well… kinda tired. A friend and I went up to BTown for a get together of absolutely wonderful people who wanted to show a friend of ours that we love him… that we support him… that we are there for him as he does his dance with cancer. This is a man who I met when I first came to Vermont… who I have cooked with and for… and who Kateri considered one of the early “Pocket People”… which should tell you something about this guy.
I wanted to explain in detail what is going through my head and my plans for this bloggery in the immediate future, but being in the same space… in a wonderful space opened up by wonderful peeps to all of us “Industry People”… is the thing that took priority this evening for multiple reasons. The main reason, I wanted to show my friend I cared for him… and to tell him I love him. Luckily… these are my peeps… and I got to tell more than a couple of them that I love them.
Sooooo… here’s the gig. March 24, 2019 starts the last thirty days before the 1st Anniversary of Kateri’s death. In thirty days will come Widower Day 365… one year without my wife. I am going to share my Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning (my notes from the first thirty days without Kateri) for the next thirty days starting with Widower Day 30 (I don’t know if that’s a little odd to start with 30… but, I’ve got my reasons. They may not be rational… but they’re reasons!). I’m gonna also put those notes in the “My Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning” site page area thing… just in case someone wants to see how this widower dealt with being sucker punched by life. FYI… I’m giving myself leniency if circumstances don’t allow me to get to posting blogs n things. The notes aren’t very exciting and there are some things I don’t feel comfortable sharing out of respect for people in my life, but I feel I sorta wanna to get this all out before the start of “Year 2”. You are more than welcome to share any of this if you feel it may help someone out who is going through their own shit… to show them that they aren’t alone in having to cope with such a gut wrenching, confusing, scary, and lonely time. I don’t know how this will all go, or what going back to these notes will bring up, or if I should wait till after the year is up… or if I wanna even do it! But here it goes anyways!
Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning
Day 30… Tuesday May 22, 2018.
Woke up around 6:30 so that I could get to work. It’s a strange day for me. I gave myself 30 days to write about this experience. Part of it was I don’t want to forget some of the things that have happened over the last month, part of it is I wanted something I could look back on as a reference (how was I feeling? Simply what did I do on ___day of this process, part of it is I want to write a book because I feel I have a story that is interesting… I have an experience which was/is horrible, but I’m living through it, I hope that my story could help someone else going through their own shit storm, I hope enough people would be interested in what I have to say that they would give me $ for it… with the hope of keeping my life as I know it together.
It was a strange day at work.
a. Although I was aware of what I was going through and that it had an affect on my attitude, I was still kinda hypercritical of a lot of things at work. Some of which I feel was justified, but for some things I definitely could have dealt with a little differently.
This is what I posted on Facebook after I made 7ish videos to share what I was going through after I had sat in the car for 25 minutes crying and not being able to get out. I wanted to share my experience and be in the moment, but I also realized I wanted to be happy with what I was going to purposefully send out there.
Widower Day 30… In the last thirty days I have felt the love and support from friends, family, and strangers. I have been trying to get to a “starting point”. I have come up with terms like “nesting for one” and used terms like “little victories”. I have tried to stay busy to keep my mind off the sad shit. I have pushed my own comfort zone out of fear for the future which I have been given. I have laughed… and I have cried. I also made a video where I say I’m a widower at 43… I’m 42. This is what happens at the end of what I’m calling my 30 days of Mourning. Yup.
a. I am happy that I posted this. It was on the liberating side of things.
Widower Notes n Thoughts:
- Ummm…. “Widower Notes n Thoughts” aren’t part of the original notes… and I’m not changing any parts of the originals (unless it deals with respect and/or privacy issues)… which is quite the challenge… I’m pushing comfort levels!… it’s sorta embarrassing.
- I wanted to attach the video I posted on Facebook… but now it’s 1:59am… and I don’t know how to get it on here! Yup… me smart! I’ll add it in when I can… later… at some point… somehow.
- I kinda laugh when I look back on this day… it was a different time… I was different. Some things just change.
- Goodnight (technically, it’s Widower Day 337!… Soooo, Good Morning!)