Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

First…. I think I may have the flu.  Which is kind of a weird thing to say because I generally don’t get sick.  I don’t think I can tell you the last time I felt like smashed asshole… but I do. It’s a strange feeling not having anyone around to help take care of you when you just aren’t up to snuff.  Luckily, I do have some pretty amazing people in my life… good friends… who have already offered to bring me soup or to check in with me later.  I think I’ll be ok, though… I’ll survive.  It’s just an odd thing to experience for the first time.  Besides, it’s my day off… I’m ok with being forced to not do too much.  Hellooooo couch!… and Netflix! (well… and I guess blog thing, too)

Last week a friend and I went to Farmway to do a little shopping.  We both had gift cards to use up and figured that was a good place to drop some dough.  Plus, my friend had never been there before so I thought it would be a nice introduction to a wonderful, local store.  We didn’t actually buy anything, but it was fun walking around looking at flannels (real flannels), winter coats, knit caps, work gloves, shoes, and messenger bags that cost 372 dollars (gift cards combined couldn’t buy that shit!). But it was seeing a good friend who works there and chatting with him that was the catalyst for me throwing a snow blower on a credit card.  When he told me that the storm this weekend was expected to drop about two feet of snow on us… my brain went into panic mode on how to get a snow blower to my house!… and no, Farmway doesn’t have snow blowers.  After the storm the week before… and my shoulders taking a week to recover… I was gonna do everything I could to not have to move all that white shit by hand.  I mean, yes… I get a huge sense of pride by staying on top of the driveway using nothing but man power, but I’m not THAT proud!  I figure, we (humans) have come up with machines to do certain tasks for us for a reason… and I was more than happy to figure out a solution.

That was Wedensday.  It was Thursday that I jokingly asked a buddy to just pick one up and drop it off at the schoolhouse… 45 minutes north of him.  This is where I was reminded of just how many good people I have in my life.  I was actually at work when I texted my buddy and he, without hesitation, offered to meet me at the hardware store, load up a snow blower in the back of his truck, and drive it 45 minutes north.  So I quickly chatted with my co-workers, jumped in the Jeep, and zoomed to Home Depot to try and snag one of the last remaining machines.  It was a good thing we did it when we did.  As I walked in, so did another gentleman with the same thing on his mind.  This is where I felt lucky on the timing.  There were only 5 machines left.  Two were reasonably priced… the other three were twice as much.  I staked my claim on one of the lesser expensive ones… he took the other one.  It was at this moment that a wave of relief came over me knowing that I would not have to shovel my driveway… and more importantly the end of the driveway where the plow likes to push four foot high piles of snow, ice, and dirt that form a nice little barrier to keep out the riff raff.  Of course, it also provides a nice barrier for when you are trying to get to work at 5:30 in the morning.

That was a Thursday and the storm wasn’t coming until Saturday night/Sunday, but do you think that stopped me from firing it up when I got home?… because IT DIDN’T! Yup, I did some snow blowing.  Plus, I wanted to make sure I new how to work it BEFORE the storm actually hit.  It would kinda suck to have a storm come through… to have a snow blower… and to have it NOT work.  Don’t worry though… it worked… and it was fun!  As a widower, this was one of those things that I viewed as an investment.  Not just in the machine, but an investment in my well being… in my life.  I am here alone now.  I need to figure some things out.  There are challenges and problems that I need to find solutions to and this is just one of those things.  It’s such a stupid little thing… getting a snow blower… but I can’t tell you how much it improves my quality of life (side note-I hate the term “quality of life”.. it just reminds me of Kateri and cancer because doctors like to mention it quite a bit).  I think about days like today. What if a storm came through… I feel like shit… and would still need to shovel my way out?  Well, now I could just fire up the snow blower and make a path! It’s pretty exciting!

Soooo, the storm came through… it was awesome.  There is just something about a blizzard.  I enjoy how big snow storms like these take center stage to everything.  It’s all anyone can talk about… everyone is in it together.  They also provide you with the opportunity to fire up machines at 5:30 in the morning on a Sunday!  Luckily, my neighbors aren’t exactly that close and I’ll admit… I don’t think it would’ve mattered if they were. Plus, it was fun.  So was the two hours of clearing the driveway and a path to the chicken coop… and in front of the chicken coop… and over to the potting shed… and in front of the mailbox… and between the house and the garage.  I think I made a good investment… I know my shoulders agree!

Widower Notes n Thoughts:

• When you overcome a challenge as a widower… it makes you feel as though everything will be fine.
• I still cry… a lot.  Pretty much on every day off… and 20% of the drives home.
• You may be able to survive on Gas Station Chinese Food and Pizza… but it won’t make you feel good!
• It’s hard living a life when you know what your wife’s last breath sounds like… it haunts you.
• Someone left a note on the schoolhouse door saying they would be interested in buying the Toyota. I may have just gone from a 2 income household to 1, but that was Kateri’s dream car… so I don’t think I’m gonna sell it… even if it doesn’t currently run.  (Actually, Kateri’s dream car was a Toyota with a wooden bed!)
• I love living in the woods… I hate the mice.
• As a widower, being sick also brings up unrealistic questions… like, is there something growing in me?
• It’s strange to think Kateri has been gone for over twice the amount of time as it took cancer to take her away… and it’s only been 9 months.
• I haven’t been making my bed everyday… it’s not that big of a deal.
• The nice thing to focus on is even though there are a lot of rough days… all the other days are pretty good!
• I’m gonna go take a bath… maybe… if I get out of bed.