I was gonna write about some of the things I was thinking about on my hour and a half drive home (over the river and through the woods) from the airport to the schoolhouse last night… as well as when I got home, but… wow… I guess I had a lot to jot down on ol’ day twenty-one!
May 11, 2018
Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning
Day 21… woke up at 6:56am to no alarm. Stayed in bed until 8:00ish… got some coffee, had a smoke, washed up, brushed teeth, crawled back into bed with the computer.
This was my FB post this morning.
Widower Day 21… Some positive observations from the last 3 weeks, because when life plops a big pile of shit on you, you sometimes grasp tightly to any of the “good” that is buried in it. Here are a few that I have noticed for you to take with you as you deal with your shit.
a.It’s much easier to make the bed in the morning when only one person sleeps in it.
b. You can play music as loud as you want… whenever you want…. and you should.
c. You can eat pizza 3 times a week.
d. It’s gross… but you can sneeze without covering your face… just let it go! (this changes when you are out in public)
e. Laundry slows way down when your wife dies from cancer… and you can use whatever settings you want… and you don’t have the constant fear of accidently putting her Darn Tough socks in the dryer.
f. You can work on your bathroom project (that you started 9 months ago) anytime you feel like it… at any hour.
g. When you flip through Netflix for 83 minutes searching for something to watch… you are only annoying yourself.
h. You realize that these observations are because you just lost the most important thing in your life, your brain is going into those deep dark holes, and you are just grasping for something to feel better. So that’s when you think about the fact that the bed is easier to make when only one person sleeps in it… and you call your mom.
Decided to work on the bathroom again today. I’m so close I just want to get to a point where I can at least use it for everything besides a shower… I’ll tile the shower last.
a. I went to the Home Depot (look, they’ve got a lot of inexpensive stuff… cheap, but for what I need it doesn’t matter that much. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anyways) and picked up more joint compound.
b. I also picked up some paint primer for the walls. I figure that once I’m done sanding and clean up I could at least put a coat of primer on. It would clean it up sooo much and make it feel like a bathroom.
Came home and wrote to Ellen.
a. Now, I had no plans to write a celebrity, but I’m pretty scared about what the future holds and figured might as well try anything I can think of.
b. I had started to just write down a couple notes… then it turned into the whole letter.
c. When I went to post the letter on her website… it was too long. Kind of bummed me out because I thought my letter had a good amount of info, let the reader know kinda who was writing, and I don’t think it was too long. Of course, when you get thousands of emails a day… it might have been too long.
d. Although it was kind of a strange thing to do, I felt good about doing it. It felt good to say fuck it… I’m writing to Ellen, let’s see what happens.
Called my mom.
a. It’s Mother’s Day… I wanted to wish her a happy day.
b. She told me that I have been on her mind which makes me feel good. Granted, I think I knew that I was on her mind… she’s my mom and I’m going through shit… that’s another reason I love her.
c. Told her I thought they will be happier in the Airbnb house. It will be a nice Vermont experience.
d. I’m worried about her in the airports when they travel. She said she may wear a mask, but the distance going from flight to flight she isn’t worried about.
e. My dad was mowing the yard… normally mom does it. Sounds like it got a little tall and dad had to empty the bag quite a few more times than expected.
f. They were going to Olive Garden for Mother’s Day dinner with Dina and the fam.
g. I love them.
I had a good cry. Not having been too emotional/crying lately it felt somewhat good to be able to let it out, but it sucks. It’s just that feeling of disbelief… of just wanting to hold her, touch her, feel her hair, her skin… and I won’t ever be able to again. I miss her.
Mudded the bathroom a second time.
a. It’s rather awkward… this whole drywall/mudding thing, but I think the final outcome will be ok.
b. It definitely took longer than I had anticipated and used more joint compound than expected. Not knowing what exactly it is I’m doing… I may have also used more than normal. Then again, maybe I used less?!
c. I didn’t do much IN the tub. I feel that since tile is going up… it isn’t as much of a big deal. I could be very wrong.
d. Finished up around 8:45pm. Cleaned up outside with the hose.
Checked Facebook… there were a lot of comments and likes n shit on my post. It felt good to read what people were saying. For not doing much on social media, I have gotten some comfort by using it.
a. I no longer have someone to talk to. I need to release some things sometimes to the ether.
b. I am kinda testing waters to see if I can expand this Widower thing. Maybe use it as a catalyst to something else that will help me keep my home and provide new experiences.
Took a shower, got into comfy clothes, and made something to eat.
a. I had planned to go to the store, but figured I had enough stuff at home to not go hungry.
b. I made 2 Grilled Cheese with bacon, had a naval orange, and a bowl of Cream of Wheat… and 8 packages of Smarties (what Kateri would call pills) … and then I find myself getting choked up when I think about “pills”… and Kateri… and now I’m crying.
c. Threw on an old HG Wells movie (well, a story of his) from 1936. I love old stories (books or movies) because they give you a little glimpse of what was going on at the time. This story was talking about war… and the state of Europe. I didn’t really pay attention to much, but I think the war was with something other than Europeans.
d. Watched some standup comedy. It has helped me lighten the mood sometimes. I watched John Mullany (I think that’s his name) … I really enjoyed watching him. He seemed smart, had an innocence to him, wasn’t crude.
Fell asleep on the couch again. Woke up around 4:00am and crawled into bed.
a. I have been fine with falling asleep on the couch, but I do need to start actually crawling into bed at a reasonable hour.
b. I need to realize that I have time to do the things I need/want to do with this new being alone thing. I don’t need to play Mappy at 12:30 at night or watch tv or surf the web or play guitar or keyboard or music on the stereo. I NEED to go to bed and get a good night’s sleep.
Widower Notes n Thoughts:
- A pictoral representation of the end of my drive and night last night. Just gotta say that XM Fly was on point at just the right time for this emotional product of the 80’s and 90’s! And yes, I’m happy the snow came off the roof of the garage… no, I don’t like the fact that it was frozen solid… in front of my door.
- Another yes… that package of Girl Scout cookies is almost…… ALMOST….. empty.
Well… I’m heading back home to Vermont! It was a quick trip to Boise to see my family… specifically my mother… but, I am soooo happy that I did it. The look on her face when I walked through her door I will cherish forever. The fact that I have never done something like that (surprise my family… or anyone… by just showing up) has made me think about the life I have coming up in front of me… this new life where I am solely responsible for what I want to do… and how I want to do it. My perspectives have changed on everything. What I view as important has changed. My goals in life have changed. All because my life has changed with the loss of Kateri.
Those worrisome images that had found their way into my head a week ago have been replaced with relief and the expectation that there will be more than a few other trips for us to chill with each other because… well… she’s doing fantastic! I mean, she’s not running marathons and we won’t be doing any bungee jumping any time soon (I don’t think), but she’s doing much better than… you know… I expected!
It was a good day… I mean today was. Looks like Day 24 wasn’t all that horrible, but I’m talking about my day in Boise. Aaaand… I ate a banana for breakfast… I hate bananas.
When I walked past her window and she saw my Cedar Circle sweatshirt… she knew it was me! My father… well, I just walked into his office while he was on the phone with a client… and then caused him to fumble over his words for a second! I’m sure the client was like, “ummm… you ok?!”. My mother… well… the look on her face when I walked into the house… it simply filled me happiness.
Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning 