Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

Straight up… just a list of things I’ve been thinking about.  300 seemed like a number to do something on! I mean, besides work, kindling, chickens, baths… well, bath. I took a bath… not the chickens. (It’s too cold for them to take baths right now… and they don’t have towels)

Widower Notes n Thoughts:

• I’m not going to experience sitting on my porch when I’m old… in the evening when it’s cooler… and the sun is running to the west providing another spectacular Vermont sunset… and feel Kateri’s skin as she holds my hand.
  • But, I am going to sit on my porch when I grow old… maybe with a dog… I’ve always said with a whiskey (I’ll be real old… old enough to not be worrying about the booze! Probably worried more about “accidents” in public places and obstacles on the floor like… carpet)
  • Also, I’m still going to enjoy my porch while I have it. Kateri and I spoke a lot about growing old together… and it literally hurts to think about… but, I’ve got our porch now… today. I plan on having it for years to come, when I am old… and hopefully retired… financially stable wouldn’t hurt. Kateri would want me to enjoy our porch… and grow old… and I wouldn’t mind, either! So why not? The sun will always run to the west. Sometimes, it’s cloudy and it just goes from gray to black… good for scary movie nights.  But sometimes, as Kateri would say, it provides us with a Maxfield Parrish sky… and those show us there is still beauty in the world… and I’d like to see quite a few more. (I had no idea who ol’ Max was until I met Kateri… he’s from these parts or something… pretty pictures)
• I’m never gonna have to go to a store in a mall to buy Kateri a hair clip as a stocking stuffer ever again.
  • But I am always going to remember which ones are her favorites… and for what occasions. (and they are currently in my bathroom… in her purple bag)
  • And I ‘ll always remember how she would joke that she could use the carved bone hair stick thing as a weapon… and TSA never questioned it.
  • Her hair in braids… two braids… after about a day… are still my favorite.  But I like the clips over the hair ties.
• Kateri and I are never going to write our book, “How We Think You Should Raise Your Kids”.
  • But I’m glad the man and woman who were the inspiration for us to come up with a title for a book… while we were in bed… laughing at the situation… because we’re judgmental… I’m glad those people will always be in my life.
  • Kateri and I talked about a lot of things we wanted to do. We were dreamers.
  • No… we don’t have kids.
• Kateri and I are never going to go to Ireland for a two week vacation… and never leave.
  • But I still hope to go to Ireland! (Don’t know how I feel about flying over water for however many hours, but might be worth it?)
  • Although I don’t really like being away from home these days… kind of my comfort zone… I still love a road trip.  Kateri and I drove across this country many a times and every time was an adventure. I love the short ones… a couple hours and a night… maybe two… simply for a change of scenery. I’m gonna keep having adventures… just not in airplanes over giant bodies of water for right now.
• Sometimes, I can’t get out of the car when I get home and I lose track of time… then I remember I have ice cream in my bag. (Ben and Jerry’s… Mint Chocolate Cookie that day)
• I feel there are some things that are kinda cyclical in this process… they come and go.  I’m currently in the one where it’s hard to look at random shit in my house.  A Shel Silverstein book caught my eye on the way to a bath… and I was just hit with memories… and sadness.
  • It’s sorta like walking around with tunnel vision… foggy tunnel vision.
  • Yup, took a bath. No bubbles… just a bomb. A bath will always remind me of Kateri.
• I walk past shit all the time!… like past my destination!  Oh, you wanna go to the coffee table? Nope!… now you’re in the kitchen! Put wood on the fire? Crazy talk!… How about stare at the washing machine instead and try to figure out what it was you were actually hoping to do! It’s kind of annoying… but has also made me chuckle out loud a couple of times.

Being a widower is hard, but losing Kateri has been harder (it makes sense to me). Either way… it’s apparently not the end of the world.