Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

Yup… lost power.

Soooo, I’ve been having a pretty “Widower Centric” week as I’ve been thinking about life and this blog thingy.  After emailing, communicating… and talking with other widowers and widows I wanted to post something specifically dealing with this type of experience instead of something that was just for myself.  I wanted to engage… support… show that there are people out there that know what you are going through.  Exactly what you are going through?… No, but losing a spouse is a unique event in a person’s life and unless you have experienced it… you don’t know the gravity it has on one’s life.  Of course, that is true to any type of traumatic experience… and they are all unique.  I lost my wife, but I didn’t lose my wife of 50 years… or lose my second wife to a freak circus accident after the first one died from a heart attack… or lose my wife, daughter, and son in a car wreck involving a drunk driver. (Another reason I am glad Kateri and I never had children… that would complicate things… as some of you are aware because that is what you are going through.) I don’t know what it’s like to go through something like that… but I lost my wife to cancer… and I know what that feels like. It’s complicated, confusing, and it’s… hard.

In all honesty, I was gonna write this last night… well, I was gonna write something… but I got interrupted by Ann… a 70? something lady standing about four foot eleven who I had met caroling this last Christmas (because I went caroling)… knocking on my widow asking me where my door was! It was dark out and I didn’t have outside lights on because there’s really no need, so I couldn’t see her on the other side of the window. I’ll admit, it was a little startling hearing a voice talk to me as I sat in my chair watching a video I just made while being kinda lost in that whole experience. Yup, I almost freaked out! Luckily, I didn’t freak out because Ann was looking for help with a tree that had fallen, blocking her path home up the road just a bit. When I turned the light on and opened the door we realized we had met in December when we went caroling, so there was this cool rural small town comfort level thing… neighbor type gig. The tree was down because there was a nasty wind storm going on at the time… which, if you watch the video I think you can hear my drafty windows at one point! Long story short, white haired Ann and I pushed a 15 inch tree… in diameter… 90 degrees… with pulls, shoves, and a shovel! It… was… awesome! Ann and I are gonna go walking one of these days when it isn’t so nasty out.  Yup (again)… making friends.

Anyways, this is me rambling for five and a half minutes about the nine month reminder letter.

Widower Notes n Thoughts:

• I just need to say that there are some great people out there being a part of “The Good” in the world.  With this experience, I am grateful to have been introduced to the Hope for Widows Foundation (even though I’m a widower), Herb from the Widower’s Support Network and the men making up that brotherhood, and the widowers and widows who are supporting each other on a few other social media pages I came across. Thank you.
• I went into the downstairs bathroom and was reminded of Spider Joe… who lived in my downstairs bathroom for the first little bit of this new life.  He was named after the LNA at Palliative care.  Fantastic man… the LNA… Spider Joe was just a spider.
• I haven’t taken my wedding ring off yet… and it’s not coming off for a while.  I figure I’ll know when.
• Time still poses to be a challenge.  There just doesn’t seem to be enough for everything I feel I want and need to do. Plus, when I just sit there and stare off into space for unknown amounts of time… well, that takes time.
• I miss Kateri. I just miss her.
• Pros of being a widower… the beard.  It grosses me out sometimes, but it’s a great thing to experience… and you don’t have to do anything! You could literally just sit there in a rocking chair and BOOM… whole new look!… with snacks attached sometimes.
• Aaaaand…. Goodnight.