Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

I thought I would be churning these things out one after the other, getting shit off my chest, really working through some stuff while learning something new in the technology world. I wanted to write some thoughts on Widower Day 89… and then on 90… and yet here I am on 92.  I had it in my mind that once I had an outlet, once I had a place to focus that kind of stuff, well, then it would just flow out of me… and I would feel better. I was a little ahead of myself.  I didn’t take into account that while I’m doing all this releasing and reflecting and healing, I am also remembering… and I can’t get past the cancer days except for a blip of a fun memory here and there.  That makes it kinda tough to just chill in bed with a pint of ice cream, Cindy Lauper on the radio, and click away story after story of good times, fun memories, and a good life… with some really bad luck.  It’s been a little more like in the garage, sitting in a camping chair, Uncle Tupelo’s Moonshiner on the radio, and crying… a lot… as I remember what I… what we just went through.  My world was just turned upside down.  Words have different meanings attached to them these days; home, quality of life, sadness, beauty, love,… agony. Some I have an amended view or clearer picture of what they mean, others just feel different. Of course… everything feels different.

92 days after the passing of my wife, my love, my sweet Kateri… this is where I am at… short version. I have been feeling what I am guessing is… lost.  I have also learned that one of the fun things that comes along with feeling lost… is loneliness. Yup, the loneliness is starting to creep it’s way into my world.  It’s strange not having someone else at the beginning of my day, when it ends, and at points in between. “Alone” is weird… which is different from lonely. Being alone now has changed certain things in my life that I never thought I would have to deal with… like scary movies. I love scary movies, but I haven’t watched one since Kateri passed. I’ve started one or two thrillers way too late in the day to have any real chance of finishing, but definitely no supernatural or psycho hillbilly in the woods type shit. Before, it didn’t really matter if I watched a scary movie by myself late night, I still had Kateri… to protect me… right upstairs or in the other room.  Without having the option of crawling into bed and having her hold me through the irrational fear… and the trembling… I have decided not to risk the paranoid freak out that may ensue if I view certain images or if I get lost in a convincing story line which I deem… “That Could Happen!”.

So how am I coping 92 days after the loss of Kateri?… I’m not watching scary movies… because I’m alone. I figure the “lost” feeling and loneliness are part of the gig so I’m just gonna roll with it and see how it plays out for now. I’m doing ok… not great, but ok.  This is a Big-Life thing. A complicated thing.  An emotional thing. Friends, family, and strangers remind me every day that there is still a ton of beauty in the world and that we’ll get through this muckity muck at some point… together.

Oh, I also went to the dentist today (my mom is so proud), brought some pastries to The Jack Byrne Center (Palliative care to say thank-you and to check in), talked to Dartmouth Hitchcock (about stuff), and made myself an actual dinner for the first time in a while (Kateri would’ve said it needed salt).