I didn’t go to bed last night until the wee hours of this morning. I knew I was probably gonna be up late since I wasn’t gonna be working today. I decided early on in this “New Life” that I wasn’t gonna work on the anniversary of Kateri’s death… ever… and I’ve made it two years in a row! As a widower, I’ve had to deal with the loss of Kateri every single day I wake up, but as time goes by, day to day life kinda turns into this new normal and I’ve gotten used to balancing the weight of not having Kateri next to me and all of the things that come along with that… and figuring out how to “live” and function in this new world without being an emotional and psychological plane wreck! I feel as though there have been a couple areas of turbulence and maybe a bit of engine trouble over the last two years, but I’m still in the air!… even if I fly pretty low sometimes. One day… I hope to be in a space where I am soooo excited about life that I simply NEED to buzz the tower!… even if Goose is pleading with me not to. One day Goose… one day.
Initially I planned on taking three days off for Kateri’s anniversary so that I could do something out in the world like go to the ocean and stay at the dumpy little hotel, which we loved, and was right on the water. We got a kick out of the place when we found the shape of an iron burned into the carpet in the entry way of room 318 (I don’t actually know the room number… it’s the one on the top floor on the end… in case you were wondering). But The Rona has kinda put the kibosh on any plans like that so I was kinda forced to decide to stick around the schoolhouse… which I’m also completely okay with. I mean, this really is the place where I feel the closest to Kateri because it’s filled with all sorts of her Hopes n Dreams. I just wish there was more time for her to experience more of them.
Two years. Jesus… what the fuck…?! (sorry Jesus, just using you as an exclamation… I don’t blame you. We’ve been warned you work in mysterious ways! At least, that’s what I hear… I don’t actually go to church or follow you on any of your social media platforms… but I dig the message you were delivering. It’s just a fair amount of your followers that I have an issue with… they can get a little freaky!) Although at points it feels like Kateri died yesterday, the fact of the matter is that for 730 days (31?… was there a Leap Year or some shit?) I’ve had to learn how to live life without her. I’ve had to learn how to live My Life using the lessons that she taught me instead of witnessing her actions. She cut the path through the woods… I just need to maintain it and see where I can create new ones. (some bushwhacking required)
Widower Notes n Thoughts:
- I was able to Zoom with two of my sister-in-laws last night. It was fantastic and a pleasant surprise. It was also weird when someone mentioned it was midnight… and now the actual day Kateri died. It hit me instantly… unexpectedly… and I cried.
- I decided to work on the yard and flower gardens today to hopefully get a sense of connection and closeness with Kateri on this date… but nature decided to give us a couple inches of snow last night to start this Earth Day off!… so now it may just be a bath, a joint, some music, and inside stuff! Maybe I’ll give the plants a shower!… I know Kateri would do that once in a while… and I haven’t done it yet!
- I’m gonna try to fix Kateri’s truck this spring/summer… myself (I need it to move wood!). I’ve been watching car remodeling shows on Netflix… it can’t be that hard to at least get it runable!… says the cook.
- As a widower, you learn to do all sorts of things… while crying. After two years of not knowing when emotions will pop up, you just kinda roll with it because you still need to get things done! Let me tell you, crying in the shower as you are frantically washing soap off of your face and out of your beard because you realized you didn’t close the damper on the wood stove… and not skipping a beat… is a skill.
- Being a cook and cutting thousands of pounds of onions is also good training for widowhood!
- I’ve decided to start the process of going through some things around the house and to maybe move some shit around. I haven’t done anything substantial in the last two years… I feel it’s about time… and I kinda want to. I understand it may be slow going.
- I still put the toilet seat down… yup, trained well.
- I am older than Kateri ever made it to… that’s kinda fucked up… but bound to happen in these situations.
- A couple of things I’ve learned in the last two years:
- We can adapt to adversity… as much as we don’t want to.
- Kateri made me better. It’s a simple fact.
- Life is a lot easier if you surround yourself with good people… and if you put the work in to being a good person who makes decent choices. Luckily, I have a lot of wonderful people in my life.
- Priorities… what’s important… to me.
- How to cook for one…ish and to make half a pot of coffee instead of a full pot.
- There are loving, supportive, empathetic, and caring strangers out there… some you will never meet even though they might’ve played significant parts in your life.
- Plants… yup, they pretty much need water and sun. Trimming would probably be helpful… but I haven’t learned about that yet!
- If left to my own devices for nourishment… I make bad decisions… but they’re tasty.
- How to set up my own blog!… which has been a wonderful tool throughout this process, even if it has been sporadic as of late.
- Two years… basically, there’s a ton that has happened. Some good… some bad… some challenging… some whatever. That’s life, I guess. There are things we can control… and there are things we can’t. Although it can be frustrating, I’ve learned to not sweat the things I have no control over (most of the time!)… it’s just a waste of energy. There are plenty of things in this world that we do have control over… I’m just gonna try to focus on those and if I need to take a step back from time to time… I will.
- I just miss Kateri so God damn much. After two years… it still has the power to floor me… and I expect it will for quite a while.
- I hope you are all well, safe, and not making stoopid decisions in these uncertain times. Just as in my situation, time doesn’t stop and we’ll all find ourselves talking about The Pandemic of 2020!… as we shake hands hello… and give hugs goodbye. Love to all y’all.
ps… it feels odd not really ever writing specifically about Kateri and all the beautiful things that made her such a unique and loving person. Maybe my next post will be about her… and not me and my shit.
12 thoughts on “Two Years… a Widower.”
Lauren Swanberg
I am sorry you are in such pain. I truly understand.
A great blog post again. I share your truth about trying to focus on the things you can control. That is something I work on daily.
I would love to know more about your wonderful Kateri. I am sure she was an amazing human.
Have a good Earth day appreciating all the good you have in your life, especially the beautiful memories of your beloved.
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Darren Lidstrom
Thanks! At least the painful stuff comes and goes. I hope you have a nice Earth Day, as well!… there’s a lot of good stuff out there!
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Jessica Brown
Beautiful said. Thinking of you today!
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Darren Lidstrom
Thanks Jess!… love ya!
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Maggie
Sending you warm thoughts and hoping your remembrances brings you some peace of mind. It must be a rough road. I have lost a lot of people, but never a spouse. Be easy on yourself. Just keep on writing, Darren. We have all gotten to know Kateri through you. That’s some kind of special. Stay well.
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Elizabeth
I love the picture you share here and have shared before of you and Kateri in the truck(car?) Your mutual joy really comes through. Peace today and in the days to come. Grief has a nasty way of defying our ideas of how it should move through us. Keep on keeping on as you are doing.
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Darren Lidstrom
I’m pretty sure the pic was in our old Volvo!… loved that car. Peace to you, as well!
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Teresa Lorenço
Hi Darren ❤ I had no idea you were writing blog, thank you for sharing your feelings and being so sincere. I just reconnected with Michelle, and heard about Kateri's passing. It sounded incredibly sad and beautiful. I am in disbelief that this all happened so quickly, that two years have passed, and that all the years passed like sand through my fingers. I was always so disappointed I wasn't part of your wedding, as I thought so highly of you two, and I will always cherish the Thanksgiving we spent together. Maybe when Covid passes and allows us connection again, you may trek down to my homestead and check out our place. I would be honred if you would share some of Kateri's plants for me to add to my gardens. I can trade you some blue egg layers. Lots of love.
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Darren Lidstrom
Teresa!… ya, it’s been a while and a lot of life has been lived since the last time we were in the same room! Thanks for swinging by the blog and I would love to come on down, catch up, and share pieces of Kateri’s plants with you. Hope you’re well and that life has been good for the last little while!
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PJ Hamel
Keep writing, Darren. You’re so good, and getting better all the time. We’re all in this together, and not just the pandemic – life. You help everyone who reads this To remember what’s most important: love.
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Darren Lidstrom
Thanks for the kind and encouraging words, PJ…. I can’t tell you how much that means to me coming from you! And yes, we’re not alone in life… even if we are isolated! Hope you’re well and staying safe out there!
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Michelle Diamond
It is and was obvious how deep your love ran for each other. The few times I met Kateri she was such a bright light. Best always to you Darren!
Michelle
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