I’ve been on a little “lists” kick lately. I feel like there’s just so many thoughts running through my head… and I don’t have Kateri to blurt them out to anymore! That, in conjunction with the whole “feel like you’re running out of time” gig you get when life seems to be overwhelming… well, lists help me organize… and remember.
There’s so much that I wanna do, but I’m in the time of frantically doing just a bit of this… and then just a bit of that… with long pauses in between. I look forward to swimming… and not treading water. Plus, it’ll be warm… because you swim when it’s warm… and hopefully without little blood sucking slimy things… they’re gross.
So this is just me at ten months a widower… 10 months without Kateri… making notes of a couple of thoughts.
Widower Notes n Thoughts:
- Part of the pisser is that it’s all just kind of a big let down. It was twenty years of build up… stopped in it’s tracks.
- The image I have of her in my head… of Kateri in her hospital bed at Palliative Care… on that last day… has been the one that has been popping up… and then down I go with sadness.
- Sometimes, the tears feel cool on my cheeks… I can see them weighing down my eyelashes… notice them drip through the beard… and it feels as if I just splashed water on my face… it can be refreshing.
- I say, “Goodnight Ladies!” to the chickens. Every……. single……. night.
- I’m gonna miss hearing Kateri say, “Go Speed Racer! Go!… Speed Racer!”… adding a cute little lispy thing… when she didn’t approve of someone’s driving. I definitely heard it the most, but that’s strictly due to the fact that we spent a lot of time together in the car. Much more than in other people’s cars. It’s a numbers game…and also, do not drive like Speed Racer! I’m more of the turtle. It was always entertaining for me when I would hear her start the little ditty in a friend’s car. Or if a sibling was driving?… Forget about it!
- I couldn’t just throw away her shampoo… but now, sometimes I get a whiff of Kateri from my beard. That’s kinda fucked up… but at least I wash myself!… and have a vitamin enriched and rejuvenated beard that smells like coconut.
- Ten months… 302 days. Sadness and pain has touched me on every one of those three hundred and two days, but so has love and compassion. Happiness, Joy, and Excitement poke their heads in from time to time… sometimes for a little bit… sometimes, for not long at all… but I suspect they’ll return for longer stays in the future.
Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning 