Do I look worried?… cuz I wasn’t…!.. not in the slightest!… once I learned that they were gonna use sedation during my first colonoscopy. As I figured, I’m either gonna be asleep through the whole thing or I wasn’t gonna remember it, so really, the roughest part was gonna be the preparation for the procedure as it entailed a lot of pooping… and little sleep… due to the time of my appointment. Since this was my first time, I did have the added anxiety of not knowing how my body was gonna react to drinking over half a pound of MiraLAX diluted in half a gallon of Yellow Gatorade! (not Purple, Red, or Blue) Questions creeped into my brain such as, “Would I have time to get to the appropriate areas of the Schoolhouse specifically designed for the expulsion of the contents of my bowels?”… “Does the cleaning out process come on quickly? Instantly?!!”… “Would I wake up in time if the kids needed to get to the pool in the middle of the night?… or would I shit all over the new bed Amanda and I just bought as our lives are becoming more and more intertwined…?!”. Luckily, there weren’t any moments of the cleanse where Amanda and I had to look at each other and say, “Well, we’ll just look back on this one day and have a good laugh!”. Nope… as they say at Yacht Rock Radio… it was Smooooooth Sailing…!
I had the colonoscopy because… well… there has been blood coming out of my butt for a bit. You would think if someone had blood coming out of their butt for a bit that they would want to see a Doc about it… and I did!… but didn’t. Honestly, I thought it was something like I had accidently wiped with a little too much force one day… maybe… and that it would simply heal and go away on its own… but it didn’t… it just kept bleeding. So, when I went to the Doc to have her look at my knee and elbow after my little fainting spell, I informed her of how I’ve been tearing through the OxyClean trying to save underwear, chef pants, and 501 Jeans from the embarrassing stain of sporadic apathy towards my personal health… and bodily fluids. She asked me to roll over onto my left side and said, “Let the games begin!!”. OK, she didn’t actually say that. She basically just said that she thought it was a bleeding internal hemorrhoid (she was wrong) and ordered a colonoscopy.
The procedure was pretty routine and as expected I fell asleep and don’t recall any of it. After starting the process 17 hours earlier, when my head hit that pillow, I don’t think they needed much Sleepy Syrup to get the job done… I was out! All I remember is how cozy and cool that crunchy hospital pillow felt on my upper cheek and then it was much anticipated sweet dreams for me! They told me I may wake up during the procedure, but that didn’t bother me. I kind of approached it the same way I approach turbulence when flying. It could be the bumpiest most anxiety riddled ride of my life… as long as we land and I’m able to walk off the plane…?… I’m cool with it! Of course, I do remember thinking it would be weird to wake up to my colon displayed on a 45″ TV three feet from my face. Luckily, that didn’t happen. I walked away with only pictures of the trip for memories.
They found a 10mm Sessile Polyp inside my rectum which was the source of the bleeding. (Rectum?!… it nearly killed him!!) Now… I know polyps are pretty common, but there’s always gonna be a certain level of worrying about the “What if’s..?” when you hear they cut out an abnormal growth from inside your pooper, used a tiny little metal clip (…inside there!) to seal it up, and sent it off to the lab to see if it’s business as usual?… or I’m gonna hit my Out-of-Pocket Maximum real quick like! You know?… the two extremes! Either way, a couple of things I learned from going through Kateri’s Dance with Cancer and then with My Mom’s was that I can only work with the information I have, and that patience is needed until the next opportunity arises in the timeline for new information. Basically, that whole “What’s in my control?… what isn’t?”… and whether or not to worry about it type of stuff. Luckily, I also learned not to go spelunking on the internet to find information!
Honestly, in the time since losing Kateri, I don’t really worry about too much. After that experience, which is still going on, nothing seems to be that big of a deal. Sure, there have been challenges and some sucky times in the past five and a half years, but they don’t even compare to the 4 months and 3 days that led up to Widower Day 1, the morning I woke up and truly felt… alone. Jesus… that was a crappy way to wake up! Thankfully, I’m not there anymore… I’m not in that space… that feeling of singularity in the world has dissipated some with the passing of Time. Heck, a big reason I wanted to get checked out is because there IS someone I wake up next to in the morning that I love and cherish and want to spend as much time as I can with! Thankfully (again), I didn’t crap all over her thigh as she tried to get some zzz’s before waking up early on a day off to drive me to get my innards swabbed.
Now it’s just The Waiting for Results Game. I can do that… wait. I’m actually pretty good at it. I find it pretty relaxing, actually. I mean, all you gotta do is… nothing! (Kinda like growing a beard or letting a fire die out… they’ll both happen without having to lift a finger!) Of course, it seems like when I do a lot of waiting for something, it’s then followed by a big burst of… Scrambling!… I really need to learn how to balance some of this shit out. Until then… I’ll just keep enjoying the scenery as I plug away at The Great Corn Maze of Life, amending direction when my steps lead me to dead ends, finding comfort knowing that I’m not wandering the labyrinth alone, and recognizing that sometimes I’m gonna get a little lost… a little confused… a little frustrated when I realize I’m in the middle of a cornfield wishing the butter wasn’t all the way back at the barn. (I have no idea what that is supposed to mean! Take from it what you will. Sorry, that’s what happens when I’m home alone on a day off and wanna be all “poetic” n shit because I smoked some pot and my brain is like, “Ya man… that’s so deep… you should totally immortalize that thought on the internet…!)
Widower Notes n Thoughts:
- Sometimes we need to take the Little Victories in any given situation. For me, I’m pretty proud of the fact that I scored a 9 on the Boston Bowel Preparation Scale where anything >8 is considered “Very Good Bowel Preparation”…!… Winning.
- You know you love someone or something when you’re willing to deal with any of the varieties of bodily fluids that come out of them. Whether it be romantic or platonic, True Love is scooping poop to put into a screw-top container so that you can use the U.S. Postal Service to deliver it to someone in a cold room wearing a white coat… and Danskos.
- (Didn’t have to do anything like that this time around. This Post’s subject matter just reminded me of times I experienced or witnessed that lesson!)
- Happy Halloween Eve!… or would it be All Hallows Eve Eve?! Either way, Halloween is tomorrow and I hope you have a fun… and safe!… one. (Full dislosure, I’m not dressing up this year. This pic is from years ago when Luke went as Hulk Hogan, John was Randy “The Macho Man” Savage, and I was “Rowdy” Roddy Piper… fun memories!)
Pooper Update: Test Results came back and after Googling multiple words, I’m pretty sure it’s business as usual!!
Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning 