One of my favorite terms/sayings in the world is “Smashed Asshole”. Generally, I only bring it out when someone asks how I’m feeling and I’m not feeling well… at all… like total and utter crap… like smashed asshole. Yesterday, for the first time in my life I got to use the term… and it was completely appropriate for the time and space! Yesterday, I had a hemorrhoidectomy and when I came out of anesthesia Amanda asked how I was doing and my response was something to the effect of, “They weren’t very nice to my butt (the nurse agreed) and I feel a bit like smashed asshole…!”. Now I’ve gotta say that I wish I remembered having this conversation with Amanda, the Nurse, and the Doc… but I don’t. Really, I’m just glad I wasn’t a jerk to anyone after having my ass stretched, pulled, cut in multiple places with stitches inside AND outside my butt… when the original plan was just working on the inside… yay! Honestly, after the last 13 months or so, I’ll let the professionals do whatever they need to do as long as it stops the bleeding coming from by back side!
Have I told you I’ve been bleeding out my backside for over a year now? Well, I have. The annoying part is I actually tried taking care of it not toooo long after it started. I’ve seen multiple doctors who made me drink an ungodly amount of MiraLAX so that they could stick a camera up my colon. I’ve had polyps cut out and clipped and was told they thought that was the source of the bleeding. I’ve asked about the possibilities of me blowing out my “O” Ring by lifting heavy things… because I’m a little guy who likes to lift heavy things and I felt “a pop” down there when removing a concrete lid to a water well. I mentioned a sledding accident in 2023 when a small tree stump broke my sled… and my butt… and prevented me from walking normally for a month. I even asked about bleeding hemorrhoids because I read about them on the internet! Come to find out, that’s basically what was going on… except on steroids. Luckily, it never hit the emergency room state.
In August I was finally referred to a colorectal surgeon and let me tell you… they are not shy or hesitant about the things they do to you! I knew what I was getting myself into, but it’s still a little surprising when the nurse says, “You’re gonna feel A LOT of pressure.”… and oh boy… she wasn’t lying! Although I’ve never had anything to do with childbirth, I was REALLY working on my breathing exercises! The other thing I enjoyed about that appointment is that it wasn’t just one finger feeling around up there, multiple people felt the need to check it out!… more breathing exercises… and I tried not to pay attention to the fact that one of those fingers had long fancy nails. (I know gloves are involved… but c’mon! Even if it’s just for show and to put the patient at ease… maybe keep the nails short! Heck, as cooks we wear gloves and keep our nails trimmed for safety reasons… and we’re not sticking our fingers up people’s butts!) On a side note, I was told I have strong anal muscles… I’m taking that as a win.
All of that led up to yesterday… my hemorrhoidectomy… which I gotta tell you that everything they say about the procedure and recovery is not flattering… quite the horror stories, actually. I was preparing for anal cramps, burning, swelling, more bleeding, oozing, nausea, and general uncomfortableness. So far, it hasn’t been that bad. I mean, I think the biggest worry for me was really getting to… and through… that first bowel movement! Yup, between 8:58am and 9:10 this morning was probably the most nerve-racking span of time for me in this experience so far…! Don’t worry, I got through it with only a few tears.
Now it’s Recovery Time and I’m just gonna say that I don’t do well sitting around… I don’t like being idle. There’s always something to do and since Kateri died I have this continual sense of needing to stay on top of things, to fix things, to clean things, to move things, and to work on things. I’m trying to accept that I need to NOT do anything for the next week or so and to take it easy for the next 5-6… ugh. It’s a small price to pay if it means I won’t have to worry about blood seeping through my underwear and ruining my pants… again… and again.
Mentally, it’s been a long haul dealing with the bleeding butt. Yes, the actual bleeding was concerning but since it didn’t exactly hurt of cause too much discomfort, I didn’t have this sense of urgency or panic that I was gonna die or anything. For me, the most anxiety came from having to go out in public not knowing if I had bled though my pants, where people would see it and think I shit myself! FYI, I live out in the country so if I need anything, I’m driving… and sitting… for at least 20 minutes and usually longer. When you’re bleeding out your butt and worry about people seeing it… sitting is not what you wanna do for long periods of time!
Over the past year I have adapted to this situation as we were figuring out what was actually going on. I switched from wearing “checks” cook pants to straight up black. When buying jeans to replace the ones that were ruined, I would buy ones that were a little darker shade of blue. I carried around extra underwear in my Man Bag and always had an extra pair of pants at work. In July I bought Depends for Men… which I learned was a little overkill for the situation, so I traded in the diapers for Maxi Pads. Yup, nothing like shopping for Maxi Pads with your girlfriend!… but the mental relief they provided me were priceless. It’s been a tiring and trying process… and I’m hoping it’s over.
As I lay here in my adjustable bed with my bloody butt thinking about My Life… my body slanting towards the Building a Rainbow painting hanging on the wall… my legs slightly up and bent… I think about how it’s just so… different. Our lives are everchanging and as the years build up, we have the opportunity to look back and see how we’ve grown, where we’ve been, and who was there. I’ve been a widower for six and a half years. Widowhood is one of those types of events in our lives that brand a notch into the timeline. When I look back at My Life six and a half years ago, I feel like the physical things are pretty much the same (my house, car, work, etc.), but the people are different. I’m not saying this is a good or bad thing… it’s just what it is… kinda how these things go. Losing Kateri and my Mom were the biggest things that changed my life and the type of person I am. There was also a Global Pandemic which just kinda changed… everyone. I’ve lost touch with so many people. I miss them and the times we were in each other’s lives, but I’ve also met some pretty cool people, worked with some pretty cool people, and have done some pretty cool things. We all just keep plugging along on our own little paths.
When Kateri died, I made the decision not to go to the doctor for a year. I didn’t want to know if there was something gravely wrong with me. If there was… c’est la vie. I was at a different point in life. I had a different view on it… and things change. To this day it’s hard for me to look towards the future, but I’ve realized I’m starting to. There are things… and people… that make me want to stick around for a while and if I’m gonna stick around for a while… might as well try to make it as comfortable as possible. I’m lucky… I’ve got a good life… and I’m grateful. I’ve got people I love and a dog I love more than most of them. Yes, there are all sorts of physical, mental, financial, and general health challenges, but that’s just a part of Life. Sometimes you feel good. Sometimes you feel like Smashed Asshole… and that’s probably the gig for most of us.
Widower Notes n Thoughts:
- Just so you know, when you have butt surgery you learn just how connected your butt is to the rest of your body. You feel it when you cough, sneeze, laugh, clear your throat, bend over, sit up, walk up stairs or shuffle down them…. simply walking!… putting pants on, taking socks off (which Amanda is doing for me!), or trying to roll over in bed. Ya… it’s fun.
- I’m really looking forward to wearing white linen pants…!
- Before the surgery, my Brother-in-Law asked if it was gonna hurt to fart… it doesn’t.
- When you have butt surgery, you REALLY think about what you want to eat. I would love to eat pizza and ice cream, but I have no idea what that’s gonna turn into by the end of its trip or what kind of landing there’ll be…!
- Ladies… pads and the such… I feel ya. Those high flow/three pad mornings were a bitch!
- I’ll be honest… this sucks. It hurts. It doesn’t come at an opportune time. I’ve realized the recovery is gonna be a bit rougher/longer than I wanted. I feel like I’m letting work down and won’t be as productive as soon as I’d like. AND!… I’m scared to poop. That really says it all. When you’re scared to poop… no bueno. Fortunately, when you’re scared to poop and then you poop a couple of times, you realize things are healing and you become a little less scared with each pooping episode.
- I’m 28 hours into butt surgery recovery… and doing ok. Haven’t taken the narcotics or smoked as much pot as I thought I would, but Amanda has kept me on schedule with the Tylenol and Advil… which I haven’t taken in years. She’s been great… another reason I love her… and she made cake…! Even when we feel like smashed asshole and it hurts to simply exist, we have people taking care of us in one capacity or another. I’m thankful for those people in My Life.
Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning 