Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning

When I was laid up due to the Smashed Asshole, I tried to take advantage of the time where I couldn’t do anything besides lay in bed, so I decided to finish a Photobook I started a couple of years after Kateri died. I actually started the Photobook on a trip to Idaho to visit my Mom when she had cancer. It was the first year of The Pandemic, so I drove cross country and slept in Rest Areas so as not to interact with The People, catch The Vid, and then infect my Mom!… because that would’ve sucked. Considering the amount of guilt I already feel about the stoopidest things and the effect the loss of her has had on my Life, it would’ve been even rougher if she died because I brought The Rona with me!… instead of dying from cancer. Ugh.

We all… or a lot of us… have a whole bunch of pictures on our phones capturing moments in Time. Sometimes we have 16 pictures… separate moments in Time, I guess… trying to capture a single moment! Awe… memories. Needless to say, in the months following Kateri’s death, all the pictures I took of her in the 4 months and 3 days of what she was calling her Dance with Cancer were right there whenever I opened up my little picture app. Let me tell you, when we go through experiences where Life decides to show you just how brutal it can be… you don’t really want to be reminded of it just because you wanted to show someone a pic of the Meatloaf & Mashed Potatoes you ordered at the Ol’ Vermont Country Inn & Tavern…! (I don’t know if that’s a place, but if it is… I hope they make meatloaf! Mmmm… meatloaf.)

I didn’t want to get rid of the pictures, but I also didn’t want to keep seeing them, so I thought about printing them out and then deleting them from my phone. Then I thought about the fact that through the magic of the interweb we have the ability to put pictures on mugs, t-shirts, ballcaps, stationary, blankets, wallets, mousepads, canvas, and… Photobooks!… which is what I was looking for.

Of course, it has now been six and a half years since the start of my Widowhood and those pictures on my phone are buried deep behind pics of woodpiles, Sister Visits, Xander the dog, my Life with Amanda and more, but I still wanted something tangible, something I could flip through… if I ever felt the need… and then simply put back on a shelf… or wherever. I actually mostly finished the Photobook quite a while ago and just kinda didn’t do anything with it. It would just show up in my little “Projects” file/tab/thingy whenever I got on Shutterfly… every 10 months or so. Knowing I was gonna be laid up with a Smashed Asshole I thought about things to fill my time with and decided it was the right time for me to finally take that step of going through it one more time and then hitting the old “Checkout” button. I may not worry so much about these pics popping up unexpectedly and at this point it’s not quite as traumatic, but for some reason this was just something I wanted to do.

Well, the Photobook I made from pictures taken when Kateri had cancer arrived on Saturday. I titled the book Kateri’s Dance with Cancer 2018 because that is how she referred to what she was going through. The Pictures cover the timeline from when she walked through the doors to the CTScan/MRI/whatever and we got the call that night that there were tumors in her brain… to the last morning of her life. There are a few others I added from over the years that I cherish because I feel they capture some of the things I love about Kateri and/or our Life together.

I’ll be honest, I don’t sit there and take too long of looks at pictures of Kateri… especially from the time of cancer… it just kinda puts me in a pretty sad spot! This was a special occasion, though. It was sort of exciting opening the orange box and seeing Kateri’s smile when I got my first glimpse of this thing that has been in the back of my mind for years! As I sat there on the couch holding this book of memories on my lap, I took a moment, took a breath… and opened it up.

For me, when I opened the Photobook for the first time on Saturday, I knew that I wouldn’t be opening it again for the foreseeable future because I was at the end of this process I’ve been working on for years. I gave myself Time to flip through the book… to remember how strong Kateri was as the cancer was chipping away at her body… and her Life. I turned the pages slowly, feeling the smoothness of the paper on my fingertips. I read the words I had captioned the pictures with… but had not fully remembered. I stared at them… one after another… and felt the Love and Pain that simultaneously comes when we remember those we’ve lost. And then… once I felt comfortable… once it was Time… once I was ready… I simply closed the book… and put it on the shelf.

Widower Notes n Thoughts:

• If you’re a Widow or Widower… do it how you want to do it… how you feel is the best way for you to deal with it… for you to get through this Lifelong and Life-Changing experience. I mean, we still need to think about other people, but the loss of a spouse/partner changes… or touches… every single aspect of your Life, especially in the beginning. Not just the material things you see every day like the jelly cupboard, chairs, art, books, winter coats, stew bowls, wooden boxes, and broken Toyota trucks in the driveway but also the theoretical, philosophical, and for some the spiritual meaning(s) and purpose of our Past, Present, and Future. It’s a lot to deal with… be easy on yourself.
• As I’ve gone through this healing process, it has allowed me to become more compassionate and understanding of the fact that there are unique struggles each of us cope with on any given day. I may not know or have gone through what you’re going through, but whatever it is you’re struggling with… the struggle is real… and I just don’t want to add to the struggle!
  • I can only speak to my experience with Widowhood/alcohol addiction/loss of parent/loss of friends type shit… those are what I’ve gone through… not much of the other super challenging, Life altering, and/or otherwise generally crappy things in Life. This Photobook… this blog… they’re simply tools I use to help heal… myself. I hope you’re taking the best steps for you to take care of yourself…!..?