I kinda wanna see the video of Doc and Friends spelunking down my Exit Only. I’m pretty sure their goal was for my colon to see the light of day! I mean, that’s at least how it feels around the ol’ “O-Ring”!… sorta like Satan giving you a wedgie… 24/7. I remember the first time I went water skiing… it was on two skis… I sat down and learned about things forcing their way into other things. Doesn’t compare. Not even close. I’d much rather be water skiing right now. Well, not right now… because my ass feels smashed, and I don’t think I’m in any shape for water sports… plus, I don’t care about water skiing.
I’ve learned some things over the last couple of days. Here are a few that may help you through your own butt surgery.
Widower Notes n Thoughts… on the Smashed Asshole Recovery:
- Holy crap… butt surgery is no joke! I should’ve believed the Doc when they said it’s an uncomfortable and lengthy recovery. But noooo!… I was like, “I’ll be up and around in a couple of days…! I’ve got a high pain threshold!”………… nope.
- Laying on my stomach feels the best… gives the most relief. Unfortunately, you can’t really do much while laying on your stomach. What I need is a really short massage table with the little head thing on it.
- Day 3… 12:03pm… I took my first Oxy. I tried to just “tough it out” with some Tylenol, Advil, and a puff of weed here and there. At 12:54pm I was very happy I took drugs. Now I just hope I don’t end up sucking dick in an alley somewhere trying to find that fix a month down the road! (If you were just offended by that please realize that is nothing compared to the thousands and thousands of lives ruined by the Doctors, Insurance Companies, and Big Pharma who created the opioid epidemic we are currently in.)
- I just learned the term “Booty Bumping”… and that’s a hard “No”… not happening… at least not in the next two weeks…! (or ever).
- For some reason I figured I would be fine sitting after this procedure. Then I realized I just had surgery on my butt… which is what I sit on. I didn’t think that one through.
- I had BIG plans of putting together a bunch of Lego… but that’s really hard to do flat on your back or laying on your stomach.
- I had a moment yesterday morning while lying in bed where I thought about Kateri lying in bed during her Dance with Cancer. I thought about how she was staring at the same ceiling, the same walls, out the same window… except she wasn’t “recovering” from anything… she was trying to survive and thinking about completely different things than I’m thinking about.
- I’m looking forward to blowing my nose and clearing my throat with some gusto. Currently, I’m afraid to because I can feel it… down there… and it’s kind of nerve racking.
- I haven’t worn socks since Friday. I have no desire to try and put them on or take them off.
- This is an annoying experience, but I have someone who loves me and is taking care of me. I have friends who have checked in and offered any kind of assistance I may need. I have a job and co-workers who are supportive… and hopefully patient! I have family who have sent tortilla chips, candy, and toys. Butt surgery is a pain in the ass, but in the grand scheme of things… I’ve got it pretty good. I’m Thankful and Grateful for all y’all.
Thirty Days of Mo(u)rning 