So…. wow. That kinda snuck up on me! I’ve had quite a few things on my mind as of late and have been kinda trying to deal with some “New Life” shit… “Old Life” shit… “Emotional” shit…… and snow. I guess I’ve simply been thinking a lot about life in general and wasn’t really doing the whole “2019 in Review” thing… until last night… at around 6:30/7ish… when it dawned on me that there were quite a few things that happened in 2019!
I was gonna throw out the ol’ “There were some good things, there were some blah blah blah things…”, but that was basically everyone’s year! I kinda figure that that’s just how it goes..?! And then I thought about how our lives’ aren’t just generalizations. They aren’t that simple. In the 365 days that I woke up in 2019 there were definitely ups and downs, but there were things… specific things… that stand out. So yup… here’s a New Year’s Random Widower Notes n Thoughts list for 2020. (yay!… and an almost ten minute video about a whole lot of not much at the end…!):
Random Widower Notes n Thoughts… June 2, 2020:
- In 2019 I got a snow blower! (my back thanks me… and yes, I’m excited about it enough that I had to mention it! People talk about how their cats or dogs or lizards are their “children”… which is kinda stupid… so I’m gonna start referring to my snow blower as part of the family. I think our relationship has grown enough over the last 12 months to make that leap!)
- I pissed some people off in 2019… some of those people I love… which sucks, but it’s gonna happen. Luckily, we all survived.
- I’m also not everyone’s cup of tea… I’m cool with that… I’m not a huge fan of tea, either! Of course, I still enjoy it once in a while… it just needs honey… lot’s and lot’s of honey.
- I don’t really look at time in the yearly chunks anymore. In my brain, it’s still based off of the day Kateri died.
- I haven’t changed anything in the house yet, but I’ve gotten used to everything I see being a reminder of Kateri and my “Old Life”.
- I have decided to start that process in 2020, though! You know, redecorating and going through some stuff! I’m ready to start putting together my home… my life…. and figuring out how to keep Kateri a part of it.
- 2019… I went from YachtRocks/Hits 1/Pop2K to Lithium and SoulCycle… with a bit of Caliente.
- (I just got off the phone with my sis… love ya sis.)
- In 2019 I learned that I’m gonna need to do more… which means I’m gonna need help… because I wanna do more… because I need to.
- I need to be healthier… not much more to say about that!
- I took my wedding ring off for more than 24 hours over the New Year’s holiday… for the first time… it’s currently back on.
- It was odd… both the fact that I couldn’t feel it on my finger (it’s heavy and I use my thumb to adjust it a lot throughout the day!) and… well… it just wasn’t on my hand! It provides me with a huge connection to Kateri and I simply don’t wanna lose that. It made me soooooo happy that we got married… that we made that commitment… that I had a wife… and that it was Kateri. In this new life…. I had a wife… and that’s not what my life is now. (Although… Kateri will always be my wife… she just won’t be out front digging in the gardens or blaring the B-52’s while tidying the house or laying next to me when I begrudgingly would come upstairs because she said it was time for bed. Damn… I wish she was here to tell me it was time for bed!)
- It’s easier to remember the cloth KAF shopping bag when going to the store. When shopping for one… I generally don’t need more than a bag and it has become routine to grab it from the pocket behind my driver’s seat. Look at me saving the planet!
- If I was someone who bought six packs… I would still be cutting the plastic rings so that the penguins and baby seals don’t get their heads stuck in them. My mom taught me that… in the 80’s… so some of you may not have any idea of what I’m talking about!
- In 2020, I would like to be a little more focused… in everything… this blog included.
- Since Kateri died, I’ve been on a quest to simply make things better or easier… hence snow blowers, woodstoves, and chop saws… proper tools for the job and better efficiencies. The quest also includes working on me… becoming better myself. Better at this new life, better at my relationships with friends, family, coworkers, and strangers, better at getting things done, better at taking care of myself. Basically… be a better person than I was yesterday… just so as to live a better life while I’m chugging along in this current one… and to stay on the rails most of the time!
- Straight up… Happy New Year… on the 5th!
ps… I started this post on New Year’s Day 2020. Since then… I have had to use the term, “One appointment at a time.” again… but for the first time with a particular person… someone I love very much… more than most. Luckily, she’s one of the strongest, determined, and fearless in the face of adversity type of people I know… and she’ll (we’ll) get through this. Life doesn’t give us the option of when we need to deal with some stuff… it’s not in our control. What is in our control is how we approach it… how we face it… how we are going to let it exist in our life. It can beat us down… or we can accept the situation and try to take the best steps forward. I’m a “fixer”… I want to fix things as quickly as possible so that I can move on to the next thing. Sometimes… I simply can’t fix it. But I’ll do whatever I can to make it… a little bit better.
7 thoughts on “It’s a New Year!… (widower day 623…)”
Maggie
It is good to see you here again. Hang in there and hang in here. For whatever lies ahead, we are in your corner. (Do I actually speak for the whole blogging world? I kinda feel like I do!) Happy New Year, Darren.
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Darren Lidstrom
Maggie!… Happy New Year! And… ummm… thanks for sticking around in my corner… and I’m glad I found your corner! (I know I don’t participate very much in the blogosphere… but please know that I always find value in the things you have to say… in blogs or comments!)
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Maggie
I am just glad to have found you and follow your journey. Life continues to move, so we might as well go along for the ride I think.
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Elizabeth
I so appreciate your candor when you write. I am much more familiar with widows and am ashamed to admit I never really gave much thought to the loss for a man. I have learned a lot from reading and listening to you. Thanks and may the year be full for you with your “new life.”
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Darren Lidstrom
Thanks Elizabeth! Ya… widowehood ain’t fun for any of us and I’ve seen that we all do it differently… which makes sense. Although there are similarities and commonalities between all of us… we’re also all different… and it’s really just up to the individual (with all of their variables) to decide how they wanna deal with it! For me, the loss was pretty big… and I’m still flinging poop to see what sticks! I hope the New Year brings you many opportunities to laugh with friends and to love YOUR life.
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Elizabeth
Thank you very much.
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lssattitudeofgratitude
Hoping your new year brings more joy into your life. Sometimes it is a struggle to find joy, but the effort is worth it.
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